


Had We But World Enough

by Smuttysmutwriter



Series: Had We But World Enough series [1]
Category: Marvel Avengers Movies Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Arranged Marriage, Crack, F/M, Fluff, Intersexuality, Long, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Marriage, Married Virgins, Mpreg, Norsekink prompt fill, Sex eventually, Slow Build, Terrible Asgardian sex-ed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-28
Updated: 2012-11-10
Packaged: 2017-11-17 04:55:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 52,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/547837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Smuttysmutwriter/pseuds/Smuttysmutwriter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for the following Norsekink prompt:-</p>
<p>Loki and Thor have been married since they were little and they grew up sharing a palace wing. The boys never shared a bed because Odin and Frigga wanted to make sure nothing inappropriate could happen while they were still young. They also used to get chaperoned a lot so that there could be no hanky panky. Everyone assumes that Loki and Thor’s marriage has progressed to include sex now that they’re adults and if the maids notice that there are still two beds being used in the princes’ wing, they know better than to gossip about it. Loki and Thor both desperately want to move their relationship to the next level. It’s just really awkward to change up a centuries old platonic relationship with your spouse. Neither of them ever had a change to figure out this romance stuff naturally and neither of them wants to pressure the other. </p>
<p>It all comes to a head when the boys take a trip to another realm and are given a single room when their hosts hears that they’re married.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

“So it is done.” Odin sat heavily on the carved ice bench, his empty eye socket starting to ache again, throbbing and tired.

Laufey rumbled his agreement, adjusting the small bundle which was his youngest son in his arms. 

“My people will require a show of good faith to accept the match,” A servant poured a mug of mulled wine beside Odin, who paused to take a swig, “The child will come to live on Asgard.”

Laufey’s eyes closed and he made no reply, tucking one tiny blue limb back into the swaddling cloth when it reached up. 

“Come Laufey, you have two others. Do not let sentiment stand in the way of the peace.”

The Jotun remained silent, staring down at the babe, so small he could almost fit in the palm of his hand, so tiny and delicate and yet already so strong in magic. Laufey could feel the power coming off of his son even now. When the Ancients give they also take away, who would have thought such power would be found in such a tiny, precious runt?

They worked in mysterious ways as well. It had been the child’s gifts which had caught Odin’s one eye. The gift of seidr was rare enough even among the Jotun and non-existent among the Aesir, and had borne in the Allfather the idea of trading the child for peace rather than completely laying waste to Jotunheim, an idea which grew and flourished in his mind. 

The youngest son of Laufey King and the mighty Farbauti, strongest of Jotunheim’s warriors, spear breaker, eye thief, Odin would have him for his own. The child for his right eye, it seemed a fair trade. The Allfather had almost laughed when he had seen the mewling creature which had been the undoing of Farbauti, the warrior who had come closest to felling him in battle. 

He had witnessed Farbauti pull spears embedded in her back out with a laugh, had seen her rip the arms off Odin’s strongest men as if pulling a ripe apple from the end of a branch, and she had been felled birthing that? No wonder her stomach had not been swollen…

The idea of the trade, peace for the child, consumed the Allfather’s thoughts, started to invade his dreams. Soon he saw his own son, though little more than a babe himself, grown tall and mighty, ruler of the Nine Realms, and kneeling beside him a powerful Witch Queen, his seidr ways the perfect complement to Thor’s inevitable brute strength. So clear was the image in his mind that Odin declared it a vision from the Norns themselves. 

And Odin Allfather was not one to question the wisdom of the Norns... 

The Allfather leaned forward, putting out his arms to hold the child which Laufey gave up with a grunt. The babe whined at the movement but grew silent as he settled into place in the Allfather’s arms, staring up at him with those red in red eyes. Odin brushed a fingertip over a blue cheek, raising an eyebrow as the baby’s skin flushed with pink, spreading over the rest of the child’s face until he held a familiar, if quite pale, Aesir colouring. 

“Well that will certainly make things easier for him…”

“He is too young to go now, he is still nursing. Let him come in his tenth year, when he is old enough to understand his purpose…” Laufey took his son back, relief flooding him as the blue settled back in the baby’s skin. 

“He will come in his fifth, so he knows only one.”

Laufey growled, the impotency of his position feeling heavy over him, a thick blanket. He had lost the war, lost countless of his warriors, lost even his mate as she birthed the child alone with him on the battlefield, and now he was to lose his youngest son. 

“And then we will receive the Casket?”

Odin took another sip of wine, “You will get it when a child is born, then the treaty will be complete.”

“You Aesir always were obsessed with progeny. That is the bride price, what of the dowry?”

“His gifts are dower enough. It is a fair trade.”

“My people will think that I value him little if I send him with nothing…”

“Then send him with whatever trinkets are fitting for one of his station,” Odin waved his hand, already tiring of this conversation. Trust a Jotnar to agree to a treaty to end a million year war and then get caught in the details of a babe’s dowry. 

“He will need training in his gifts. He should return to his homeland during your summers to be trained and instructed by our sorcerers…six months of the year should be-”

“Four at most!”

“Fine! Four months of the year he will return to Jotunheim for instruction,” Laufey stole a look up at Odin. He was the loser of this war, and really should be grateful Odin had been so accommodating to this point, but he had one last thing he wanted:

“And I want Right of Annulment.”

Odin stared back at Laufey. He understood, and if their positions were reversed he would probably demand the same thing, the right to bring the child back if the marriage was unsuccessful; if one party was infertile or cruel were the usual standard terms. Odin could not recall if he had ever heard of the Right being invoked in his lifetime, but he knew why Laufey wanted it, a reminder to the child that he would not be completely alone on a foreign world, that there was someone watching over him, even from a distance. 

The Allfather was not ungracious in victory...

“You shall have it. What is the child’s name again?”

“…I have named him Loki.”


	2. Trumpets Before 10am

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there is an unexpected guest, Thor feels unwell and Tony feels the need to build a pillow fort.

_One thousand years pass_

Thor touched down on the top of Stark Towers, stumbling only slightly as he felt his feet touch the ground, travelling by Bifrost was never pleasant but he was at least getting used to it. As the world of Midgard swum into focus in front of him, he caught sight of his friends, Tony and Steve waving at him and Doctor Banner standing a little behind them. 

Thor waved back, striding towards them, he was happy to be back. There was much to discuss with his friends, not least of which if they had had any leads on Thanos after the Chitauri attack (he also had many notifications pending on the Book of Faces but that was slightly less important). 

“Hail fellows!”

“Hey big guy,” Tony replied, “Your room’s all ready for you…you didn’t say you were bringing a friend though…”

“A friend…what…?”

Tony pointed to the Asgard Landing Pad (or ALP as it was known in SHIELD literature) behind them where an unmistakably Norse looking figure was standing, holding a very large trumpet. 

“I mean, it’s cool and all, the more the merrier, I’ll just get JARVIS to have another guest room aired out,” Tony lowered his sunglasses, taking in the concern on Thor’s face. 

“Forgive me, Tony. He is my Father’s herald, and I do not believe he will be staying.”

As if on cue, Odin’s herald lifted his trumpet and blew a short fanfare, as if a 6 and a half foot space viking with a nine foot long trumpet needed any introduction. 

Tony shied away from the noise, he had a feeling that this was about to become one of _those_ days, “Yep…hello, hi! Ok, we can see you and on Earth we have rules about trumpets before 10am.”

“My Lord! I bring word from the Allfather, our king,” the herald announced, his voice booming over the roof. 

Thor squared his shoulders, “Then speak herald.”

“The Allfather, in all of his great wisdom, has seen that you require guidance in your quests on Midgard. To guide and advise you in your search for Thanos the Allfather sends the Consort of Asgard, Loki of Jotunheim, your wife and most trusted counsel to assist.”

Tony looked sideways at Thor. A wife eh? Mr Big and Beard-y was just full of surprises. That cute astrophysicist friend of his was probably going to be disappointed…

“Understood herald.”

Did Thor’s voice just waver a little?

“When will the Consort be arriving?”

“On the morn, sire.”

“Thank you herald. Pass my regards to my parents and thank the Allfather for this…wisdom. A-and advise that I look forward to the arrival of my Consort.”

“Very good, sire.”

And then with another short blast of fanfare and a flash of rainbow light, the herald was gone. 

Well, that was…interesting. Tony looked up at Thor, who seemed to be looking a little pale. 

“You dog, Thor! Not telling us about the little lady back home. I almost feel bad about all those strippers at our last shin-dig. What’s she like?” Tony clapped a hand on Thor’s back as they turned back to walk into the penthouse of Stark Tower.

“She is neither little nor a lady, Stark. My Consort is Jotun, they are neither men nor women as you of Midgard understand it.”

“Riiight…so I shouldn’t preemptively book him-slash-her in for a spa day?”

Thor shrugged, “Whatever you think is best, friend. His habit is to bathe in fresh goat’s milk from Mother’s dairy at least once a week, could you arrange this?”

“Goat’s milk from a celestial dairy, huh? I’ll get Pepper right on that one.”

“I’m sure whatever you arrange will be fine. Now…excuse me friends, I feel a need to rest after my travels.”

And with that Thor gave a small smile and turned for his room in the Tower. Bruce, Steve and Tony shared a look but kept the “nothing wrong here” smiles on their faces until Thor was a safe distance away. 

“Is it just me or is he a little subdued,” Bruce offered.

“A little? Usually he spends the first couple of days at least catching up on Pokemon episodes and hogging the waffle iron. He’s passed subdued, it’s like someone told him his dog died.” 

Bruce snorted and shrugged, “Maybe they had a fight before he left…”

“Or maaaaybe…” Tony went to the fridge to pour himself a glass of juice, “Thor has some special friends down here on Earth he was hoping to catch up with and now wifey’s making an appearance and has ruined his fun.”

Tony could almost psychically sense Steve’s outraged gasp before he heard it, “I’m sure Thor wouldn’t have a… a _floozy_ ,” he said, his voice dropping for the last word.

“Oh, I agree with you Captain Purity Ring, I’m sure Thor doesn’t have a floozy. I’m certain he has about 10 floosies plural in the metropolitan area alone. Did you even read that Norse Mythology Primer SHIELD issued us? These guys aren’t exactly boy scouts…”

Tony didn’t like to admit it, but watching Steve get flustered was one of the best parts of his day. He didn’t actually believe that Thor was the “girl in every city” type either; there was something oddly innocent about the big guy which didn’t mesh with that sort of behaviour; Tony just really liked needling Steve. 

And needled he was. “Well, I don’t believe it! It has to be something else! Didn’t Thor say Loki wasn’t from Asgard, Motun or something?”

“Jotun,” Bruce said.

“Yes! Well, what if it’s an arranged marriage or something, and they don’t love each other?”

“That’s certainly a possib-“

Steve was already off, “Maybe Thor was forced into the marriage! What if he’s miserable? What if Earth is his only escape from a loveless political union which is killing him inside?”

Bruce rubbed his eyes, “Ok, first things first, no more Game of Thrones for you. Second of all, Tony, stop teasing Steve. And third of all, we can talk about this all day but their marriage, and how or why it happened, is really none of our business.”

Tch, Bruce could be such a kill joy, especially when he had a point. Tony finished his juice and waved his hand dismissively, “You never let me have any fun, Banner. Anyway, I’m out of here, I believe I have a whole lot of organic goat’s milk I have to find before tomorrow…and we should probably get some cleaners in or something…”

“Might be an idea…” Bruce picked up one of Clint’s socks which was hanging over the back of the couch.

“I still think we should at least talk to Thor,” Steve wasn’t about to let this go, “find out what’s bothering him…”

But Steve had lost the battle, if not the war. Bruce had already wandered off, picking up more odd socks, experimental arrow heads and those new action figure prototypes which Tony had abandoned on the kitchen table last week. Tony was on the phone to Pepper, asking her what she knew about goat’s milk. 

~*~*~

Apparently Pepper knew quite a bit about goat’s milk, or at least she learned quickly when she learned Thor’s Consort (practically a princess!) was coming for a visit. No matter how much Tony tried to explain that Thor’s wife was, according to Thor at least, not that princess-y, Pepper didn’t seem to be listening. Royal Dolton china and silver tea services Tony didn’t even know he owned were pulled out of storage and a crack team of cleaners descended on the Tower, banishing all odd socks and making both Tony and Dr Banner hide out in their shared lab until it was over. 

Pepper had found them however, even inside the pillow fort.

"I just don't get why you're making such a big deal about this?" Tony said, poking his head out of Fort Science, "Thor visits all the time, he's a prince and you don't go all crazy when he pops down..."

"Tony, the first time I met Thor he was sitting on your couch and using a chopstick to clean out under his toenails. I don't think he appreciates the good china," Pepper pulled her starkPad out from under her arm and started ticking off things on her list, “Now, the cleaning is done, I’ve bought the good Dolton out and that’s being washed, the curtains are replaced…”

“What was wrong with the curtains?”

“The peanut butter stain and the burn marks.”

“Oooh, yeah, those curtains. Good work, Potts, buy yourself another one of those expensive handbags on me.”

“Already charged to your account,” Pepper hoisted a rather expensive looking bag over her shoulder, “…and last but not least, Thor’s cape has been dry cleaned and we’ve moved him into the larger guest suite.”

“Didn’t he like the old one?”

“I thought the single bed was probably going to be a bit redundant Tony.”

“But I was going to build him a second bunk, him and the wife could switch on who got to be on top!”

A bark of laughter came from inside the fort, at least Bruce thought he was funny. 

Pepper rolled her eyes, “And please have Fort Science dismantled by tomorrow, I’m not going to ask you twice.”


	3. The Little Lady

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there is an arrival, Pepper agonizes over colour schemes, Steve realizes not everyone is interested in a handshake and the plot is moved along.

The next morning the Avengers (minus Natasha who was on reconnaissance about thirty miles east of somewhere unpronounceable) plus Pepper were lined up on the penthouse roof, each in their own versions of Sunday best. For some that was full military uniform, for others (namely Tony) it was the shirt not on the floor when they woke up.

The smell of ozone and the faint crackling of the air which signalled the opening of Bifrost begun, there was the customary crack and flash of light and there, at the end of the platform, stood a tall dark figure, dressed in floor length green and gold robes. Surrounding him were several large wooden cases, ornately carved and lacquered. 

Thor approached the figure, their eyes met and Loki smiled slightly. Loki offered his hand which Thor bent to kiss. Tony fought hard to stop his eye rolling reflex when he heard Pepper give a small sigh beside him. 

“Friends, I present my wife, Prince Loki of Jotenheim.”

The gathered humans stared back at Loki, stunned into silence for a moment. He stood as tall as Thor, with inky black hair in a complex braid down his back and a lean angular face, his skin as pale as Thor’s was tan. Gold thread was woven through his hair and seemed to be connected to a large gold torque which sat at the base of his neck. He was unmistakeably alien and exotic, almost shockingly out of place here on Earth, more so even than Thor. For his part, Loki stared back at the Avengers, his face only showing a mild curiosity, as if the gathered people held no more interest than some rare breed of house plant. 

Steve took it upon himself to break the silence, stepping forward with his hand out to shake Loki’s.

“Nice to meet you! Welcome to Earth,” he said, smiling his best USO smile. 

Loki gave a small smile back, blinking once, “And you as well.”

Loki offered his hand as he had to Thor, presumably to be kissed. Steve’s offered handshake was faced with something unexpected and both hands stayed in the air, seemingly staring each other down. It was only when Steve took Loki’s offered hand and gave it a little waggle that the level of awkwardness reached a point where Pepper had to intervene. 

“Your Highness, welcome. You’ve bought some things I see…you’re planning to stay a while?”

Loki turned his attention to Pepper, finally someone who knew how to behave, “I will be here as long as Thor requires me. Will the servants be out soon to bring in my things?”

“Oh, we can help with that!” Steve was still smiling a little too widely, “Thor, give me a hand with the big one. Tony, Clint, come on…”

Steve and Thor went straight for the largest box, probably a wardrobe, while Clint picked up one of the smaller boxes closer to him. It was surprisingly heavy and when he went to lift it he could hear many small objects sliding around inside. 

“Ugh, what’s this? Your rock collection?”

Loki walked past with Pepper, “Please take care with my divining runes. They will need to be placed by a window.” 

It took two trips to bring Loki’s luggage in, Pepper showing Loki to his and Thor’s room. It was one of the nicer guest suites, the double doors opening onto a lounge area with TV and couch, two steps leading up to the very large bed beneath wide open windows. To the left a door lead to the bathroom and to the right there was a generous, if now largely superfluous, walk in wardrobe. 

Pepper smiled warmly, showing Loki the room as the others brought in his things. It took a little rearranging, a few stubbed toes, but all of the boxes fit, the rune box even found a place under the windows, squeezed next to the bed. 

The dark haired prince tucked his hands into his wide sleeves, looking around the room.

“Is everything alright?” Pepper smiled again. Oh God, he probably didn’t like the colour scheme, she knew she should have gone with the robin’s egg blue!

“Oh yes! Everything is very acceptable.”

Loki’s eyes fell on the bed then flicked up to Thor’s, who had moved to his side. 

“We even got the bed reinforced!” Tony walked up and banged a fist down on the mattress, “Didn’t want you lovebirds breaking anything, ha haaaa.”

Loki’s mask like face almost registered shock. He blinked, hand coming up to rest on Thor’s forearm. An uneasy silence settled between the four of them, the only sound Bruce and Clint sniping at each other about Bruce dropping Loki’s vanity case on Clint’s toe. 

Pepper to the rescue again. Thank God for Pepper. “You must be hungry. I have tea waiting.”

~*~*

Loki complained of tiredness after two cups of tea, allowing Thor to escort him back to their bedroom. He stared at the one bed in the room, giving a small sigh before sitting down on the edge of it, smoothing his hands over his robes. He felt the other side of the bed dip as Thor joined him. 

“Your friends are very kind, Thor. It’s nice to finally meet them.”

“They were very excited to meet you,” Thor flopped down on his back, “You should have seen Lady Pepper yesterday, it was like Mother before our wedding.”

Loki gave a short laugh before turning to face his husband, “Dear, what reason did the herald give for my visit?”

“He said only that Father had seen I required your guidance on Earth,” Thor blinked and looked up at Loki, “Is there some other reason?”

The Prince started to tug at the ends of his sleeves, a nervous habit, “How long have we been married Thor?”

Thor propped himself up on his elbows, “Barely any time at all…”

“One hundred years, Thor, one hundred years we have been wed and in that time we have not…”

Silence fell. 

“…Oh…” Thor was suddenly very interested in a small buckle on his armour.

“We have not consummated the marriage, Thor…”

“We discussed this!” Thor stood and started to pace, “And you agreed with me! We will wait until we are ready…”

“Well apparently my Brother does not agree! He…” Loki looked down at his hands, “…He has sent another of his letters to your Father. You know full well the treaty between our worlds is not complete until a child has been born. He is getting impatient, Thor, and is beginning to regret the loss of my dowry.”

“Let him regret it then! What else can Hellblindi do from Jotunheim?”

“He can have the marriage annulled Thor!”

Thor grunted and waved his hand, “Only your Father has that power Loki, you know this.”

“My Father or whoever succeeds him…” Loki stood and moved to where Thor was pacing, taking his hand, “Father’s winter is almost over Thor, he is dying. And Hellblindi stands ready to inherit. You know he has never loved the idea of a treaty between our people, he hungers for the glory of war, and he will take any opportunity to end the peace.”

Loki paused, allowing the weight of his words to sink in with Thor, “I don’t think Father has long to live, Thor. If we want to continue as we have been, if you want the peace to remain, we have to….”

Augh, after one hundred years and he couldn’t even say it!

Thor didn’t say a word, his eyes closed and he sunk down onto the bed, head in his hands. Loki approached, running his fingers through Thor’s hair and letting the larger man bury his face into his robes. 

~*~*~

Tony threw another piece of popcorn into his mouth. On one hand he was disappointed, he had expected hot alien porn and dammit, what was life without that?

On the other hand, he had finally found something to watch now Mad Men was finished. 

“STEVE! GET IN HERE! YOU’RE GOING TO LOVE THIS!”


	4. Wagner from every stereo...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Tony regrets everything, Steve hates opera and Thor needs a manly talking to.

Tony almost immediately regretted showing Steve the Thor Cam. First there was the righteous indignation and the “how could you Tony?” speech, closely followed by the “every person has a right to privacy, Tony” talk. Once that little dance was played out and Tony actually got Steve to sit down and watch Thor and Loki’s conversation then came the speech that Tony dreaded most of all, the “We have to tell Fury about this, Tony” speech.

So now Tony sat in one of the Avengers Tower boardrooms, watching Fury play the footage for the rest of the team. Feeling vengeful, Tony tried to give Steve a death glare across the table but was thwarted even in that, Steve was taking notes. Do gooder son of a bitch!

The footage ended with Thor’s face in Loki’s skirts and Fury stopped the film, standing to address the team, "I think we all know what this means…”

"That Tony has absolutely no respect for anyone's privacy?" Bruce suggested, resting his chin on his hands. 

“That Thor’s not getting any?” Tony offered. 

“Anyone apart from Tony?”

Clint started to put up his hand, catching Fury’s eye. 

“Anyone who’s actually read the SHEILD Norse Mythology Primer?”

The hand went down. Steve’s shot up. “Captain Rogers?”

“The battle ground of the war between Jotunheim and Asgard was Earth. If the treaty sealed by the marriage between Loki and Thor is broken, an interplanetary war could resume with Earth caught in the middle.”

Teacher’s pet. 

“Exactly. So what are we going to do about it?”

This time Steve’s hand doesn’t move. Awkward silence filled the room and after a few moments Tony realised everyone was looking at him. 

“What? Oh…OH! No. Definitely not. This one is not going to be me. I am not going to have “the talk” with Thor.”

“That wasn’t a request Stark,” Fury was starting to get that twitch he seemed only to get when Tony was around.

“I just don’t think I have the right…people skills for the job,” Tony was grasping at straws, he was so not going to get stuck with this, “The big guy and I aren’t really that close…him and Steve on the other hand…”

“What?! Me?” Steve spluttered around a glass of water he’d been trying to take a sip of.

“Yes, you. You’re ‘Friend Steven!' He loves you! All that time in the gym, the Pokemon episodes…”

“I don’t even really like that show.”

“That time you both sat and watched the microwave for half an hour because you thought it was the tv. You’re like, best friends! There is no-one better to sit down with Thor and explain to him how important it is that he bone his wife.”

“I-I just don’t think-“

“Do it Steve. Do it for… _America._ ”

“Both of you shut the fuck up!” Fury finally snapped, “You can both do it for all I care! As far as I’m concerned this is now your… _all_ of yours’ problem!” Fury looked around the table, looking all the Avengers in the eye, Clint gave a frustrated groan.

“I’ll be back in a week,” Fury was already leaving, “and I expect a full report.”

The door slammed behind him. Clint, Bruce, Steve and Tony stared at each other, the image of Thor being held by Loki was still frozen on the projector above them. 

It was Clint who finally broke the silence, “I vote we get them drunk and put on some porn.”

~*~*~

The first two days after Fury’s meeting, nothing happened. All of a sudden everyone was amazingly busy. Tony and Bruce were both on the edge of breakthroughs in their respective fields and just couldn’t possibly come out of the lab, Clint suddenly remembered how far behind he was in his SHIELD paperwork and locked himself in his room to ‘get caught up.’ Steve, for his part, didn’t really have anything to do but decided he really needed to get out of the Tower for a while, explore new New York, get his bearings. 

But Steve couldn’t let sleeping dogs lie. Visions of Frost Giants and Norse Gods destroying the east coast, wreaking havoc over the whole world, whole battalions of people just like Thor laying waste to civilization, Wagner playing from every stereo, haunted his nights. He couldn’t allow that to happen! He would have to go back and take the bull by the horns!

…or at least go back and convince Tony to help him take the bull by the horns.

It seemed that Tony had been having similar dreams to Steve’s, because when Steve broached the subject in Tony’s lab that night, Tony was less resistant to the idea than he had been. Maybe he didn’t like Wagner either?

“The problem as I see it,” the dark haired man mused, “is how to broach the subject without letting Thor know we know about his marital issues and _how_ we know it in the first place…”

“To be fair, that problem is really only your problem. You’re the one with the cameras.”

“Aren’t we meant to be a team? Your triumphs are my triumphs, my problems are yours. Besides, at least I don't climb around in the vent system LISTENING TO PEOPLE AND WATCHING THROUGH THE GRATES.” Tony said, voice raising towards the end of his sentence. 

A suspicious shuffling noise came from the overhead air duct leading into Tony's lab, moving away from them. Steve rubbed a hand over his eyes. 

“Do you have cameras in my room as well?”

“Don’t change the subject,” Tony spun in his chair, turning to face one of his computer monitors, “let’s see what the love birds are up to now. JARVIS, bring up Thor Cam 1 please.”

“Yes sir,” JARVIS answered and Thor and Loki’s bedroom popped up on the screen. 

They were getting ready for bed. Loki was wearing a set of loose pyjamas in a soft looking green fabric, his hair out of its braids and flowing past his hips. Thor was in the blue flannel pyjama pants Steve had helped him choose at Target. Loki bent down over one of his chests, opening the lid and pulling out a pile of blankets which he handed to Thor. Thor placed them on the end of the couch then went to the bed and picked up a pillow. 

Steve blinked and looked away from the screen as Loki pulled down the covers on the bed and slid between them, such a simple act but at the same time too intimate for him to feel comfortable witnessing. 

Tony apparently didn’t share Steve’s discomfort, “Aw, that’s cute.”

Steve dragged his eyes back to the monitor. Thor had moved to Loki’s side of the bed and was on one knee. Loki smiled up at him from the bed as Thor arranged the covers over him, picked up Loki’s hand and kissed his knuckles just like he’d done when Loki had arrived, then gave him a chaste kiss on the cheek. 

“Sleep well.”

“You’re not going to bed now?” Loki asked, tucking a stray strand of Thor’s hair behind his ear.

“No, I wish to think for a while. I won’t be far.”

“Mmm, don’t stay up too late,” Loki cupped Thor’s cheek for a moment before rolling over and pulling the covers up to his chin. 

“Well, at least they seem to actually like each other,” Steve rubbed his chin, “That’s something…”

“I wouldn’t get too far ahead of ourselves, Thor’s still sleeping on the couch. Come on, if I know the big guy he’s heading straight for the kitchen, time for some manly bonding.”

Tony was wrong about the kitchen but they did find Thor nearby, standing on the balcony of the Tower, chin resting on his hand, looking out over the city. 

“Hey Thor, how’s it going?” Steve slapped Thor on the back, a manly slap, the sort of slap that started up a conversation which was about to become infinitely more awkward.

“Friends! I am…well. What brings you out here tonight?”

“Oh nothing much…just…hanging ten.” That was the right phrase wasn’t it? Steve looked over at Tony for confirmation but just got an eye roll. Perhaps not.

Tony opened his mouth to speak, take the reins away from Steve who was clearly useless, but barely managed to get the first word out of his mouth before Thor interrupted. 

“Friends…have either of you ever been married?”

“A ha!” Tony thought to himself, perhaps he didn’t have to admit to being a creepy perv who liked to watch people while they were sleeping, the big guy wanted to talk…

“Well…not to each other,” Tony winked at Steve over Thor’s shoulders, he’d almost forgotten to make Steve blush today, “But… tell us what’s on your mind.”

“Have…have either of you ever had problems with intimacy?”

Tony thought about that for a moment, “Well…yes, but not in the way you’re thinking. Let me guess, you and Loki have been married for a while but still haven’t been…shall we say, marital?”

Thor looked up at Tony, surprised, “Yes. Yes, that is exactly the problem!”

“Aaand you both were pretty happy with this arrangement but now there’s some extra pressure on you guys to get jiggy like say…oh I don’t know… a brother in law threatening to annul the marriage if a child isn’t produced in the near future, ending the treaty between your peoples and plunging the Universe into war..?”

Thor blinked, “Friend Tony, you are truly as clever as Lady Pepper says you are! That is exactly the problem! How could you know all this?”

“Oh,” Tony waved his hands dismissively, “I just have a sixth sense about these things. But enough about me, this is about you, buddy and Steve and I, we’re here to help. Now, why do you think you and Loki haven’t done the horizontal mambo yet?”

Thor turned away from the cityscape, leaning back against the railing, “We have not been married long and we are both young…we did not wish to rush things.”

“That can’t be the only reason though. I mean, do you find him attractive?” The question had to be asked, no matter how uncomfortable it made Steve to ask it. The thought of a loveless political marriage was still at the front of his mind. 

Thor gave a short laugh, looking almost, well, bashful was the word which came to Tony's mind, “Steven, you have eyes in your head. Anyone could see he is as lovely as the Ninth Moon of Alfheim."

Tony shared a look with Steve, "Oh yeah, he's a hottie. No question there."

"No, the problem is not that. It is more…” The god paused, as if trying to find the right words, he scratched at his beard, “Loki and I, we were raised side by side, as brothers. We always knew we would wed when we were grown and assumed that a more passionate love would grow between us in time but…it is difficult to go from loving another as a brother to loving them as your wife.”

Thor shrugged then, trying to smile with one half of his mouth, and Steve was struck by how young he looked. It occurred to Steve, that although Thor was probably thousands of years old in human terms, in Asgard terms, he probably wasn’t much more than a teenager, a teenager who was expected to be very grown up. 

“Is that the problem?” Tony interrupted Steve’s thoughts, “Well, Thor, that one’s easy! You and Loki, you just need a little romance and lucky for you you’re in the most romantic city on Earth,” Tony threw his arms wide, sweeping them over the glowing city behind them, “New York!”

“Sir, I believe Paris is actually more commonly designated as the most romantic city on Earth,” JARVIS added, ever helpful.

“What have I told you about interrupting Daddy when he’s talking? Anyway…Thor, you’re in, easily, one of the top ten most romantic cities on Earth! Just leave it to us, by the end of your stay here, you and Loki won’t be able to keep your hands off each other.” 

_“Trust me.”_


	5. Next Stop: Third Base

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Loki is unimpressed with Midgardian cuisine, Thor doesn’t want to go to third base and Fury takes another step towards his inevitable aneurysm.

Tony didn’t claim that it was an original idea, but a romantic dinner to ignite Thor and Loki's passions was the best he could come up with at short notice. 

To be fair, Tony did hire out the whole restaurant, the hottest French place in all of New York which had recently been rated as the best for ‘intimate, personal dining’ by the Times. Tony was surprised though when Thor was less than enthusiastic. 

“Friend Tony, I have eaten many times with Loki, in fact several times a day since we were children. I do not see how eating in a different place will suddenly arouse us to passion!” 

“But it’s not going to just any different place. It’s La Belle Epoch! People have killed to be able to sit at the bar in there. There’s waiting list for the waiting list just to get a reservation and I’ve got you the whole place to yourselves! You’re going to be in there, looking your best, so’s he, you’re going to be eating some delicate French cuisine, enjoying some reassuringly expensive French champagne, looking into each other’s eyes over the candle light…”

“That sounds terribly dull, I don’t think Loki will like it at all…”

“Nonsense! If there is one person who knows about arousing passion it’s Tony Stark and believe you me, reservations at La Belle Epoch are pretty much guaranteed to get you to third base at least. Let me help you with that tie there, buddy.”

“I don’t think I want to go to this third base,” Thor grumbled, letting Tony retie the tie he’d been struggling with. 

Tony snorted, “Yeah…I have a feeling you’ll change your mind about that once you’ve been there.”

Steve entered then (looking pretty sharp, Tony had to admit, in a vintage sort of way) his forehead knitted with concern, “Loki won’t wear normal clothes, he’s insisting on wearing what he’s bought with him!”

“I think ‘normal clothes’ is pretty relative isn’t it, Captain High Pants?”

“You know what I mean!”

“Loki has much taste when it comes to raiment, he has started many fashions among the people of Court,” Thor offered, “I’m sure he wouldn’t wear something unsuitable…”

“You aren’t worried he’s going to stand out just a little?” Steve asked the question to Tony, knowing asking Thor would be a lost cause. 

“There isn’t going to be anyone at the restaurant but us, who’s going to say anything? If the waiters ask questions we’ll just say they’re from…Europe or something.”

“I’m pretty sure there was a memo from Fury about all visitors from Asgard keeping a low profile…”

“Well, I’m sure Fury will make an exception considering…you know…” Tony gave Steve a knowing look.

“Considering what, friends?” 

Dammit! Thor was still in the room.

“Considering how much he cares about you, big guy!” Tony gave Thor’s tie one last adjustment. Nice save, Stark. “Now come on, the car’s waiting.”

Tony lead Thor out into the living room where Loki was waiting for them. Tony had to concede that Steve may have had a point about Loki’s clothes. It wasn’t so much the hair, which was now plaited and wound around the top of his head, it wasn’t even the massive white fur coat, it might have been the three foot diameter of his skirt, but really, Tony had to admit to himself, it was the whole effect of all these things together which was so…conspicuous. 

The whole outfit screamed “Witch Queen of Middle Earth” and that look was so last year. 

Still…nothing they could do about it now. 

Thor smiled at Loki, almost shyly Tony thought, as they all piled into the limo.

“I like your coat. Is that the one from that bear?”

“Yes, the white bear from last winter’s hunt. It was so lovely, I felt it would be wasted as a rug so I had it made into a coat. You really like it?” Loki ran a long hand over the coat, smoothing the almost glistening white fur. 

“Of course. I slaughtered that beast for you.”

Tony was very glad that there were no representatives from Greenpeace in the car with them. He also made a mental note to kibosh Bruce’s zoo date idea. 

Steve made small talk with the couple until they reached the restaurant. Tony lead the way through the back of the restaurant, coming through to kitchens to avoid the few photographers who were staking out the entrance, having caught wind of the private booking. 

Tony had to admire the professionalism of the staff at La Belle Epoch; despite the President of Stark Industries turning up for an intimate dinner for four with two heavily muscled six foot tall blonds and someone who appeared to be a little too invested in cosplaying the Chronicles of Narnia, the maitre d didn’t even blink as they were seated at two separate tables. Tony waved him over.

“Good evening Mr Stark.”

“Evening Eric, I’ll be ordering for both tables tonight.”

And that was, in retrospect, when things started to go downhill. 

“They don’t seem to be talking much,” Steve peeked at the couple from behind his menu.

“We’ve barely hit entrees, give them some time.”

Then entrees did arrive and Steve could see the disappointment and confusion on Thor and Loki’s faces. He looked down at his own plate and the pile of green and white shredded vegetables, artfully arranged on top of a tiny roast grouse.

They probably should have taken them to a steak house. Or maybe somewhere ‘all you can eat’…

Steve could see Loki gesturing to his plate and speaking sharply to Thor who responded by raising his hands and getting up from the table, walking over to Tony and Steve’s table. 

“Friend Tony, Loki would like to know if there is more food coming?”

“Or is it customary on Midgard for you to starve your guests?” Loki said loudly, picking up the grouse from his own plate and popping it in his mouth to eat, bones and all. 

Tony placated Thor, leading him back to the other table (filling up his and Loki's wine glasses right to the brim while he was at it) and putting a rush on the main courses. When they did arrive the two gods looked similarly unimpressed but at least they ate without smashing any plates. 

Tony rested his chin on his hand and looked over his coq au vin at Steve, “I knew we should have left the kids at home…”

“Do you realise this may be a little more difficult than we thought originally?”

“Hey, we still have dessert to go. Everyone knows dessert is the most erotic of the courses.”

“If you say so…”

Dessert went over a little better than entrees and mains, mainly because Thor was very impressed that there were whole cakes on the dessert tray, just for them! To Eric the maitre d’s credit, he didn’t even blink when Thor pulled a whole chocolate mud cake off the tray for himself, suggesting to Loki to try the strawberry tart. 

Steve wasn’t sure that Tony was right about dessert being erotic. Watching Thor shove handfuls of chocolate cake into his mouth, a good third of it ending up smeared in the general mouth area and caught in his beard, Steve didn’t think he’d ever seen anything less sexy. 

Dinner was finished when Loki handed Thor his napkin to wipe the chocolate off his face. Tony grimaced, they certainly didn’t look like they’re any closer to making sweet passionate love. Alright, maybe this was going to be a little harder than he thought. 

He leaned over the table to hiss at Steve, “Ok, so I’m willing to concede this may not have been a perfect night. What’s the plan now?”

“Plan!? I don’t have a plan! You’re the one who knows all about ‘inspiring passion!’”

“I haven’t had a relationship that’s gone any further than a night club bathroom! Why would you think I could fix this?”

“Because you said you could!”

“Well then I blame you for believing me!” Tony held out one of his credit cards to Eric the maitre d, “Come on, you’re from the time of chiffon and lace, romance should be second nature to you!”

“That’s the 50’s Tony.”

“Close enough! Come on, they’re looking bored. Think, where did you always take the broads when you wanted to get into their victory rolls?”

“Tony!” Jesus, did he have to be so graphic?

“Ok, wrong question. Where did your _friends_ take the dames back in the day?”

Steve grumbled, rubbing his chin as he tried to think back. Bucky always had a way with girls, what had Bucky used to do…

“Bucky got Verity Finlay to french with him after taking her for a ride round Central Park in one of those carriages…” Steve didn’t even realise he’d been speaking out loud until Tony slapped his hand down on the table.

“Perfect! Brilliant! I’ll call Happy to bring the car around!”

The drive to Central Park was mercifully short, finding a carriage driver at this time of night turned out to be a little more difficult. When they did find one, Tony hopped out of the car first to explain the situation to the driver, as much as he could at least while still sounding sane, before ushering Thor and Loki into the carriage. 

“Tony, I do not understand. Where will this carriage take us?” Thor asked.

“You’re just going for a little ride, buddy. It’ll be nice, show Loki Central Park, maybe snuggle a little…”

“Are we going to the third base you mentioned?”

Tony had to bite down on his knuckle all of a sudden, “You never know, big guy. You never know.”

“Right,” Tony settled himself back in the limo, “Now we just sit back, wait, and let the sparks fly.”

“I still think we’re underestimating this situation,” Steve was determined to rain on Tony’s parade, “Did you hear Loki on that video? They’ve been in a celibate marriage for 100 years. Whatever problems they have, I don’t think they’re going to be fixed with dinner and trip round the Park.”

“And I think you’re underestimating the romantic appeal of the Big Apple. Are you disparaging this fine city? I expected better of you, Brooklyn. Didn’t we expect better of him, Happy?”

“You’re letting the side down, Captain Rogers,” Happy piped from the front seat, “Sir, we’re going to have to move, we’re blocking traffic here.”

“Take us for a circle ‘round the park. Nice and slow, we’ve got a bit of time.”

“Are you sure it’s a good idea letting those two out of our sight?” Steve looked out the window of the limo, watching the unmistakable silhouette of Thor and Loki draw further away from them in the carriage.

“You worry too much. What could they possibly get up to in a horse and carriage?”

~*~*~

As it turned out, quite a lot, certainly enough to warrant the front page of every New York tabloid the next morning. Tony’s favourite headline was definitely “Carriage Carnage” though “Ren Faire Rampage” came a close second. He admired a good alliteration. 

A certain head of SHIELD, however, was less amused. 

“A fountain destroyed, over 20 thousand dollars in destroyed plants, garden bed and walk ways, numerous people scared out of their minds, let’s not forget one traumatized carriage driver and horse not to mention the carriage which, as far as we know, is still wrapped around that tree and finally, one thirty million dollar avant guard art installation which no longer graces Central Park…”

“You know, I was at the unveiling of that and, honestly, if that’s what counts as art these days, I think they did us a favour.”

“WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THIS IS A JOKE STARK?!” Fury slammed the report he’d been reading from down on the table in front of Tony, “WHAT DID YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING LEAVING THEM ALONE?”

“Ok, I’m the first to admit the first date didn’t go perfectly but on the bright side they had a lot of fun. You should have seen Loki laughing when the fire started! I think we’ve made definite progress.”

For a moment there, Tony actually thought the throbbing vein on Fury’s forehead was going to burst, his mind’s eye saw blood spraying all over the desk and gathered newspapers. Instead Fury took one deep breath, then another, then seemed to count to five very slowly. 

“Please tell me…” Fury took another deep breath, “that there is some plan to this madness? That you have another idea on how to get them together…”

“Well…” Tony thought fast, he didn’t have a plan, he never had a frikken plan, plans were for boring people and the middle classes, “…I was thinking that they seem a little stressed, a little wound up, you know?”

“Aren’t we all?” Fury started drumming his fingers on the edge of the desk.

“Exactly, and I was thinking, what better than to get everyone to be a little looser around here than a little bit of social lubrication! Everyone loves a party!”

“A party?” Fury hadn’t started laughing or punched him, Tony took that as a good sign, “What for?”

Tony snorted, “Like I need an excuse to par-tay! It’ll be great, we’ll have a little wine, some of those oysters in shot glasses or whatever the food nerds are raving about these days, Banner can break out those ‘medicinal’ brownies of his…”

Fury’s eye bored into Tony, not giving the other man anything to work with, no hint whether he thought this was an ok idea or the stupidest thing Tony had come up with since his ‘sentient staplers’ initiative. 

Tony was just about to laugh and play the whole thing off as a joke because here was his real idea, the great idea which was guaranteed to get Thor and Loki making weird space babies like nobody’s business, when Fury chuckled, shaking his head. 

“You’ve got balls Stark, I’ll give you that. Make it happen.”

Tony finally breathed out. Thank you merciful Jesus! 

“Should I put you down on the guest list as plus one then? No? Ok…”


	6. It's pronounced 'Par-tay'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Thor and Loki both act with a maturity befitting their years, Jane unfriends the Avengers, Steve is tired of Tony and Thor won’t go to bed.

The party was starting to swing after a slow start. People were still trickling in but there were enough now to fill the room. Conversation was bubbling along, the music filling in any gaps in the background. 

Tony circulated, clapping shoulders, kissing cheeks, pretending to be interested in people’s kids, all the usual stuff. True to his word, it had been easy to throw together a quick cocktail night, getting people to RSVP had been a little harder, especially only a week after “the Carriage Incident,” turns out quite a few of Tony’s friends had very different opinions about modern art than he did. 

In the end, Tony had just had to flesh out the guest list with some of his less close friends and acquaintances and get Bruce to invite some of his nerdy science pals. When it had turned out that Bruce was less popular than originally thought, he’d just given the rest of the team open slather to invite who they wanted. The more the merrier right?

“Well, this is going well…” Tony clapped his hands together as he approached Fury who sat in shadow at the back of the room, practically under his own little thunder cloud.

“Nothing’s exploded yet,” Fury’s one eye scanned the crowd, barely even looking at Tony as he came to stand beside him, “How are the targets?”

“I’m not sure Thor and Loki like being referred to as ‘the targets,’” Tony added air quotes for emphasis, “But they seem to be enjoying themselves.”

Fury grunted, “I’m sure I don’t give a fuck what they like. What’s the status on them, Stark?”

“What kind of pervert do you think I am? Do you really think I would actively watch a young couple’s private and intimate sexual awakening for my own enjoyment?”

Fury finally fixed his one eye on Tony, taking a slow sip of his drink.

Tony shifted where he stood, “We seem to be stuck at first base.”

“Dammit Stark! I thought you had this under control!!”

“We’re trying! We can’t _make_ them have sex! That’s sort of frowned on, I don’t know if you’re aware…”

Fury grunted, going back to scanning the party. 

A sound of a smashing glass caught both of their attentions. The conversation died, soft jazz failing to cover the rapidly rising voices across the room.

Oh God, there was no way this was good.

“Now I understand! Now I know the reason for your obsession with this miserable rock!” Loki snarled at Thor whose face was contorting in rage.

“You understand nothing! She is just a friend Loki, nothing more!”

Tony grabbed his hair. Flying fuck on a stick, who’d invited Jane? Oh God, who was he kidding? Thor probably had. The gigantic moron probably thought his wife meeting his cute Earth BFF was just a grand idea.

Said BFF was looking distinctly displeased. 

"Just a friend? And you're _married_?" Jane snapped. Maybe Thor hadn't heard, he seemed focused on Loki still, eyes narrowing. 

Tony felt like screaming. Oh God, someone do something! Not Tony, obviously. Tony’s not known for his well thought out decisions but stepping between two Norse Gods having a domestic went beyond foolish and into suicidal territory. 

“Loki, you will apologise now to Jane!” Thor snarled, stepping closer to his wife and grabbing his elbow. Tony somehow doubted Loki would get the chance; he could see Jane storming toward the exit. Someone was certainly about to be de-friended on Facebook. 

Loki’s eye’s flashed, a whole tray of glasses full of champagne exploded nearby.

“I would rather crawl back to Jotunheim naked than say a single word to your whore!”

The room collectively jumped as a huge crack of thunder ripped through the sky, the lights in the ballroom flickering. 

“Your return can be arranged, Laufeyson.” 

Silence fell as Thor and Loki stared each other down, the air around them practically crackling with tension. Or maybe it actually was crackling, Tony couldn’t tell. 

Eventually some silent communication passed between the two of them and with another snarl Thor unclenched his hand from Loki’s elbow. Loki wasn’t done however. Unable to resist getting the last word in, he picked up a nearby glass of champagne and threw a very nice vintage of Bollinger in Thor’s face, smashing the glass at his feet before storming from the room. 

Reacting with the maturity expected of the Crown Prince of Asgard, Thor moved in the opposite direction, upturning the buffet table as he passed and putting his fist through one of the glass doors of the ballroom to create an exit. 

Thunder cracked again and an unseasonably heavy rain storm began, lightening arcing over the thick cloud. 

“Well…this has been a roaring success. When’s the next party, Tony? I can’t wait,” Bruce was almost giggling as he walked up to Tony, patting him on the back.

“You’re taking this awfully well.”

“I promised I’d bring brownies didn’t I?”

~*~*~

Steve had tried to run after Thor as soon as he had made his rather spectacular exit but Tony and Bruce had convinced him to give Thor a little time to cool off. 

“It’s not as if he’s easy to lose. We’ll just follow the trail of destruction until we find him.”

In an hour or two the rain had started to ease off, the thunder dying away, and they took this as a sign Thor was calming down. Tony and Steve started in one direction, Bruce and Clint heading in the other to look for him. It turned out they didn’t have to go far, Thor had barely made it a block, choosing to drown his sorrows at a nearby hole in the wall bar. 

The god was seated at said bar, a veritable picture of despair, sniffling into about 10 jugs of beer. Not glasses...jugs.

“Call Clint, Steve, we’ve found him,” Tony shook Thor’s shoulder, “Come on big guy, time to come home.”

Thor’s head wobbled as he dragged it up, his face confused, “H-home?”

“That’s right, home time Thor,” Tony raised a hand, catching the bar tender’s attention, “Can I get the bill over here?”

“Home…” Thor tried the word out again, then seemed to have an epiphany “…Loki?”

“You’re one of those eloquent drunks aren’t you? Steve, can you get him upright?”

“Yeah, I think so…”

Tony paid the tab (which he had to admit was pretty impressive for only a couple of hours work) while Steve maneuvered Thor off his bar stool into a vaguely standing position.

They were outside before Thor found his tongue again, standing stock still in the middle of the pavement and blinking before delivering more words of wisdom:

“Loki… _angry_.” 

“I’m sure he’s calmed down,” Steve gave Thor a gentle tug to keep him moving.

“Pretty sure you’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight though…well, if you weren’t already.”

“Tony!” Steve gave him a withering look, almost disgusted. 

“What?! Just trying to lift the mood.”

Steve had Thor moving again, “You never take anything seriously, do you?”

“Only if it needs to be. I’m dragging a Norse God out of a bar at 2 in the morning with a super soldier from the 40’s, you can’t tell me you don’t see the ludicrous in that?”

“I’m sure it’ll be a laugh riot when the Frost Giants are ripping Central Park to pieces then,” Thor was heavy even with Steve’s strength and he shifted the larger man’s arm further up his shoulders, “And I’m the one doing the dragging.”

“But I’ve got the keys to the Tower making this a dual effort.”

“It’s too late for this Tony, can we just…get him home, please?”

“Fine. Whatever.”

They walked the rest of the way back to the Tower in silence, Tony shoving his hands deep into his pants pockets, pointedly ignoring Steve and Thor. So what if Steve didn’t appreciate his sparkling wit? He didn’t care. 

Not much anyway. 

JARVIS’ smooth voice greeted them in the Tower, “Welcome back sir. I’ve taken the liberty of having Thor’s old bedroom prepared for him.”

“No need JARVIS, Thor is about to start a habit which will no doubt last him well for the rest of his life, he is going to crawl back to the missus and beg forgiveness.”

“I don’t think Thor was in the wrong here Tony, he’s allowed to have female friends,” Steve propped the god in question against the wall of the lift. 

“Oh Steve, sweet innocent Steve Rogers, this is marriage, things like logic, justice, right and wrong have no place here. You’re the one who’s so worried about Frost Giants taking New York. Who knows, maybe they’ll have some hot make up sex.”

That disgusted look on Steve’s face again, “Do you always have to be so crude?”

“I don’t know? Do you always have to be such an uptight pain in the ass?”

“Friiiiiiiiends,” Thor groaned from the lift wall, “No f-fiiighting. No more fighting.”

The lift doors pinged open. Steve peeled Thor off the wall and dragged him down the corridor, following Tony who took it upon himself to knock on the door to Loki’s chambers.

Loki answered the door almost immediately, someone had been waiting up. The Prince’s hair was loose once again (Tony found himself wondering how much time Loki spent braiding and unbraiding it every day) and he was wearing the same green pyjamas. 

“Tch,” Loki clicked his tongue, “You’ve found him. Pity.”

“Lokiiiiiiiiii,” Thor let out another low whine, pushing Steve away and making a clumsy run at the other prince. 

Loki easily side stepped, Thor falling flat on his face in the doorway. Steve and Tony looked down at Thor from their now superior height. 

“You’re not going to kill him are you?” Tony liked to think of himself as the person who said what everyone else was thinking. 

“Over this? Please. I have been closer to killing him in the past and no doubt will be closer than this many times in the future. That is marriage, is it not?”

Tony and Steve both gave awkward laughs in response. What's a little casual murder between spouses...

Thor had dragged himself onto his hands and knees and was crawling into the room. 

“Thank you for returning him. I can handle things from here.”

Loki gave a clipped goodnight to Thor’s friends, closing the door behind him. He sighed and looked down at his husband who was now sitting splay legged on the floor, trying to pull his boots off and failing spectacularly. That’s what laces were for. 

“You’ll get much further if you undo those, dearest.”

Thor grunted, looking up at Loki from the floor, “D-don’t call me that. You only call me that when you…you’re angry.”

“I wouldn’t have need to call you it if you didn’t make me angry…dearest,” Loki said, stepping over Thor and heading for the bed, “I trust you can find the couch yourself. I’m going to bed.”

Loki got under the covers, tucking his own self into bed (thank you very much!) and turned off the side table lamp, shadowing his side of the room. He closed his eyes, trying to ignore the bumps, crunch noises and muffled curses as Thor haphazardly tried to undress and get ready for sleep. 

He had almost succeeded in drifting off despite the noise when a great weight crashed down on the bed, the force of it almost lifting Loki clear off the mattress.

“Ugh! Thor! What do you think you’re doing?”

“I…I wanna…” Thor pursed his lips, “… m’not tired.”

“Well I am so go back to the couch or at least be quiet.”

“Nooooo, lemme stay Loki, I wanna stay. We…we should sleep in the same bed, we always used to sleep in the same bed,” Thor rolled over, pressing his lips sloppily to Loki’s mouth, his breath hot and damp.

“You stink like week old boar meat! Get off!” Loki shoved Thor back, “And we haven’t slept in the same bed since you turned 12!”

Thor’s face crumbled, “I k-know. We had to have our own rooms…getting too big. But we’re married now, we can do what we want." 

The blonde rolled back over, pressing another open mouthed (and very wet) kiss to Loki’s cheek. 

“Thor, you’re drunk,” Loki's voice was stern but calm as he pushed Thor back again, more exasperated than angry. Anger took more energy than he had at this time of night.

“Why won’t you let me kiss you?” Thor’s thick hand snuck under Loki’s night shirt and rested on his flat belly, “’N do…other stuff…have a baby.”

“I don’t mind kissing…though I generally prefer it when you’ve brushed your teeth. And as I recall, the decision not to do ‘other stuff’ was a mutual one…”

The hand on Loki’s belly crept around his side, pulling him closer to Thor until the larger man could rest his head on the smaller’s shoulder. 

“I remember,” Thor stilled at the memory, breathing the scent of Loki’s hair “You wept on our wedding night.”

“…It was a very stressful day.”

“And I promised, swore on Mjolnir, I wouldn’t touch you until you were ready, until both of us were.”

“I know Thor,” Loki sighed and rolled his head over, their foreheads resting against each other. There were so many other things he wanted to say; he’s grateful, he’s sorry most of all; but they all die on his lips. He and Thor have always found comfort in silence. 

Comfort in each other’s bodies has not come so easily. Thor couldn’t see Loki’s face twist as he thought back to earlier in the night, of Jane’s ( _Jane…such an awful plebeian name_ ) hand on Thor’s arm, of the shared laugh between them and that…that look they had shared, the desire so clear in Jane’s eyes she may as well have been yelling it out to the whole party!

Thor shifted where he lay, running his fingertips over Loki’s hair and drawing the dark haired man’s attention back to his husband. Loki closed his eyes, it was inevitable he supposed. Not just Thor’s infidelity, he was not that naive, but his own awareness of it. 

Had he really expected Thor to be satisfied with primly kissing him on the cheek and tucking him in every night, sleeping in his own bed on the other side of the room as if they were still children, never asking for more than the odd kind word and for Loki to cheer him on when he competed in tournaments? 

Really, he should be grateful that his husband chose to keep his affairs confined to Midgard, Thor would be well within his rights to keep concubines if he so wished. At least with that appalling Jane, Loki’s humiliation would be confined to this backwater rather than being the talk of every scold on Asgard, as if he needed any more talk to label his bed the most frigid in all of the Nine Realms. 

Angrboda had warned him; the men of Asgard are ruled by their lusts, for battle, for food and wine, for love. His nursemaid and then his teacher in sorcery, Angrboda had always been wise. 

_“Satisfy his lusts, my sparrow, and you will hold the reins to power over all of the Nine Realms from the base of his cock!”_

He had been ten when this talk was given to him. Angrboda was nothing if not forthright in her instruction. If the Aesir were so ruled by these lusts why then had he failed so in seducing Thor? He had tried so many things, soft words, touches to Thor's hand and shoulder, and yet always the same words from Thor: "when we are ready." He didn't know what else he could do! Why did his husband draw back from his touch? What was so wrong, so unappealing about him?

Thor kept stroking Loki’s hair, carding his fingers through it and watching the thick black strands fall through the gaps between his fingers. 

“You never wear your hair out anymore…”

Loki snorted, “You would have me still walking around the Palace pretending I’m a maid?”

“There isn’t much pretense there.”

“You know what I mean. It would be improper for me to wear my hair as one unwed. The rest of Court would think I was divorcing you.”

“You wouldn’t have to have it out all the time, not at home,” Thor began to twist one long lock of hair around his fist, letting it slide over his skin, “But it wouldn’t matter here…”

Loki wasn’t one to give in so quickly, Thor’s whims came and went like summer storms, indulging every one made his husband complacent, “Perhaps…I will consider it.”

“Loki…”

“What now Thor?”

“Do you remember the day I found you under the willow tree, the one in Mother’s garden…?” Thor’s eyes were still bleary, his words still slurred.

Where was Thor going now? Why wouldn’t he just sleep, it was almost three!

“No Thor, it doesn’t spring to mind.”

“It was summer. Mother sent me to find you and I didn’t want to go, you were always sneaking off somewhere, with a book or a charm by yourself. I hated having to find you all the time, I hated you a lot then.”

Loki threw up his hands, was Thor going to keep him up all night relating his petty childhood grudges?

“Lemme finish! Are you going to l-let me finish?”

“Alright, yes! Please go on.”

“Mother sent me to f-find you, and you weren’t in the library, you weren’t in your rooms, you weren’t anywhere you usually liked to hide so I went to the gardens and you,” Thor paused then, running the back of his hand over Loki’s ink black hair once more, “You were sitting on the bench under the willow tree. You remember?”

“Maybe…it was summer you say?”

“Yes. Your hair was shorter then but you still wore it loose. You were reading a book and you looked up at me and smiled…” Thor’s face had softened, reliving a memory cherished to him, “…that was when I fell in love with you.”

Loki scoffed softly, “Midgard has made you sentimental.”

“Do not doubt me Loki,” Thor’s voice was serious, “I have only ever loved you, only ever wanted to be with you.”

“Hmph, does your friend Jane hear similarly pretty words?”

“Do not speak like that! Jane is only a friend.”

“Whatever you say, dearest.”

“I speak the truth! I have not touched her. I…I have never lain with another.”

Loki scoffed. How soft did Thor believe him to be?

“Loki…” Thor gripped his wife’s chin, making their eyes meet, “have you ever known me to lie to you?”

Loki’s hands clenched on the sheets, he stared into Thor’s eyes, clouded with drink but guileless as they ever were, “…No.”

“Then know I speak the truth now.”

Silence fell, less comfortable this time. Loki lay back against the bed, Thor staring to play with his hair again. 

“Can I sleep here?” Thor’s voice was heavy, almost asleep already. 

Loki hummed a yes. He was too tired to force Thor back to the couch anyway.


	7. The Gentle Russian Art of Cockblocking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Tony is frustrated, Clint wears what he wants, two pigeons see their future and Natasha lays the divining runes on the table.

Natasha was oiling and cleaning her second favourite pistol when her phone went off, “Henry Andler” flashing as the caller ID. She blinked but picked it up, Fury wasn’t due to check in with her for another three days. 

“I’m calling you back in Romanoff," Fury was never one for pleasantries, but starting to talk without confirming all clear was hasty even for him. Something was definitely up. 

“Are you sure, sir? I’m pretty deep here…”

“Opium dealers in Uruzgan are small change, you know that. Get to the NATO base, a transport will be waiting for you. You’ll be briefed in transit.”

“Can I ask where I’m being taken, sir?” At this stage, Natasha was just hoping for somewhere slightly less…sandy. 

“You’re back in New York. No more questions over the phone. I’ll speak to you when you arrive, I want to brief you personally before you head to Stark Tower.”

“No other hints then?” Her pistol made that satisfying click as the magazine slid into place and Natasha smiled. 

“Let’s just say I think this requires a woman’s touch.”

~*~*~

Steve couldn’t sleep. That in and of itself wasn’t that unusual, even before the serum he’d been a restless sleeper; a sickly childhood spent being woken every four hours for medicine or to sit in a steam filled bathroom to clear his chest had ruined that for him at an early age. 

Tonight though it wasn’t asthma or even dreams of his old life that were keeping him up, it was guilt. He hadn’t seen Tony since they’d parted ways outside Thor and Loki’s room after the disastrous party and their sniping at each other weighed on his mind. 

He sighed and threw his arm over his eyes, trying to block out the world and his thoughts at the same time. He knew he was overreacting about this; as far as fights between him and Tony went their tired snapping from that night barely rated a mention, but their exchange still ate at him. He could almost hear Tony scoffing at him in his mind, being so twisted about a bit of grumpy teasing. 

Steve tossed in his bed, throwing off his sheets and then pulling them back up over himself a few minutes later. 

If he was honest with himself, Steve knew the reason he was feeling this way was rooted in how useless he felt with this ‘mission,’ if mission was the right word. He had absolutely no idea how to go about fixing Thor and Loki, it wasn’t something which could be fixed by throwing his shield or military strategy or with giving an order. 

It was Tony who’d been coming up with the ideas here, no matter how misguided and terrible they had been turning out. It was Tony whose money was making the ideas he had happen, and Steve was being, as Tony so eloquently put it, a ‘pain in the ass.’

Steve threw the sheets off again, sitting up in bed. There would be no sleep for him until his conscience was appeased. He would find Tony, say sorry and then offer some real suggestions for the Thor and Loki Problem (as he was calling it now). 

He’d gone first to Tony’s lab, where he was usually to be found even after midnight most nights of the week, but was surprised to find it empty. Steve wandered back up to the common rooms, wondering if he and Tony were at a place where him knocking on Tony’s bedroom door in the middle of the night wouldn’t be completely awkward, when he found the man in question on the couch of the living room, Tony’s face illuminated by two holographic screens floating in front of him, a full tumbler of some amber liquid in his hand. 

Tony looked up as Steve entered, his head wobbling slightly. He raised his glass and gave a tight smile. 

“Steeeeve! It’s Steve! Captain Steve! Steve-o! The Steve-ster!”

Steve eased himself down into one of the lounge chairs next to the couch, exhaling, “Hey Tony…”

“What’s an eagle scout like you dong up this late on a school night?”

Steve chose to ignore the question, his eyes resting on the mostly empty bottle of scotch on the side table between their chairs, “Are you drunk?”

“Nope,” Tony took a long and exaggerated sip from his glass, “I am now though.”

Steve rubbed at his chin with his hands, this had been a bad idea, “Dare I ask what you’re looking at on…those?”

Tony moved closer to the edge of the couch, pointing to the screens with a finger and his scotch glass, “Well, on this one here we have the top fertility specialists in Manhatten…”

Tony swept his arm and the screen suddenly moved, the other one taking centre place in the room, this one with a map of New York with several red dots spread across it.

“…And here we have a list of sex therapists within a 10 mile radius of the Tower,” Tony downed the dregs of his glass and started to pour himself another, “I was thinking you know, I’m sort of immensely wealthy, if I can’t fix a problem I can certainly pay someone else to fix it for me.”

Steve looked closer at the list, the idea (therapy for Thor & Loki, not outsourcing Avengers work) held some merit. They’d certainly proven themselves to be pretty useless in that regards up until now. 

“Found anyone good?”

Tony shrugged, staring into his glass, “Well, there’s a few candidates but I seriously doubt we have another hundred years for the Odd Couple to work through their issues and even if we could find a doctor willing to try IVF on a perfectly fertile couple there’s no guarantee we could get it to work on a couple of aliens, one of whom is apparently a hermaphrodite. Don’t ask me how I know that, Thor can be surprisingly chatty when it comes to talking about Loki.”

Steve blinked, “…eye vee eff?”

“Yeah, you know, in vitro fertilization…you know what, don’t worry about it, I’ll get JARVIS to email you a fact sheet in the morning.”

Steve looked down, as if hiding a smile, running one hand through his hair, “Thanks Tony.”

“It’s nothing.”

“No…really Tony, thanks,” Steve leaned forward, sitting on the edge of his seat so he could see Tony’s face better in the dim light, “…for everything. Sometimes I don’t know what…what we’d do without you.”

Tony opened his mouth to answer, something dismissive and sarcastic (why break the habit of a lifetime?) but the space in his brain where he kept witty retorts was suddenly and shockingly empty. Steve’s face was close, so close, and he wasn’t sure if it was the drink or how tired he was, but Tony was noticing how very good Steve smelled; like Old Spice and fabric softener and that plain soap that came in the big yellow cakes you never saw anymore. 

And oh God, Tony wanted to kiss Steve. In that moment, there was nothing he wanted more than to kiss Steve, make out with him, fuck his mouth with his tongue and damn if there wasn’t something so wonderfully wrong about thinking about Captain America and fucking any part of that body. 

But maybe Steve was just was wrong as Tony was because he was leaning in closer too and oh man, they were going to kiss. Tony was going to kiss Captain fucking America and it was going to be fucking hot and-

“I’m not interrupting am I?”

Fuck! Cock sucking mother fucking shit bag butt faced fuck fuck fuck!

Tony’s murderous looks had been known to make the odd Stark Industries intern wet themselves, but this one just seemed to make Natasha give that small knowing smile of hers, that infuriating knowing smile. 

“Miss Romanoff…” Steve spluttered and sprung up from his seat, almost head butting Tony in the process, “You’re back! How…how was your mission?”

Natasha kept that stupid smile on her face as she flopped down onto the couch, “Cut short. And you can call me Natasha, Steve, everyone else does.”

“Of course. Well, it’s late, I should be off to bed. Good talk Tony, we’ll discuss those options more in the morning. Good night Natasha, good night…Tony,” Steve paused, his hand almost coming up to salute before he seemed to think better of it and…waved them goodnight. 

To give Natasha a little credit, she waited a good thirty seconds after Steve left before speaking, “Well…”

“Shut up Romanoff, just…shut up.”

“Tony and Ste-eve, sitting in a tree…”

“Isn’t it time I started charging you rent for crashing here all the time? How much do you think a fully furnished apartment in Midtown goes for these days?”

“Hey, I’m just happy for you. About time you two stopped dancing around the issue, it was getting painful.”

“If I ask you why you’re back early will it be enough for you to drop the subject?” Tony emptied his glass in one swallow and poured one for Natasha which she accepted. 

“Fury is less than impressed with your progress in regards to Operation: Thunder Child,” Natasha said, taking a sip of scotch. 

“Really? That’s what they’re calling it? That’s terrible. For the record, my suggestion was ‘Operation: Bun in the Cold Room.”

“That is better…” Natasha nodded, letting Tony clink his glass against hers before they both took another swallow, “Whatever it’s called, I’ve been bought in the clean up your mess, I’m going to need to see all the footage you have of both of them…”

“JARVIS,” Tony spoke into the ceiling, “Give the lady what she wants…within reason of course.”

“Yes sir,” JARVIS’ smooth voice rolled over them both, “Should I save your current search results?”

Tony looked at Natasha for direction, she shook her head. 

“Fury wants this kept in house for as long as possible.”

“How surprising,” Tony stood and stretched, a little scotch sloshing over his hand, “Well, good luck Nat, you’re going to need it. JARVIS, trash ‘em. I’m going to bed.”

Natasha gave an exaggerated pout, “All by your lonesome? No star spangled hot water bottle to keep you company?”

“Good night Natasha.”

~*~*~

Two hours later it’s a bit after 2:00am and Natasha has seen enough hand holding and cheek kisses to last her a lifetime. That was as hot and heavy as things got. There was a lot more footage but Natasha had felt the need to fast forward through a lot of it, there was only so much watching Thor update his facebook page she could take. She’d seen the important stuff during the briefing on the plane coming over anyway. 

At least she’d worked out their routine. Thor’s was wake up, gym, food, gym, tv, facebook, food, tv, hand holding with Loki in front of tv, food, sleep on couch. Loki’s was wake up, get dressed, food, reading, change outfit, food, practice magic, possibly change outfit again, hand holding with Thor in front of tv, food, get tucked in, sleep in bed. 

It was pretty thrilling stuff. Natasha told JARVIS to shut down the video screens and got up, she could get about five hours of sleep and start out properly ingratiating herself with Loki tomorrow morning. The others dealing with Thor hadn’t got them far, it was time to take a different approach. 

She slipped into her rooms in the tower, casting an eye over Clint’s sleeping form in her…their bed. A hot shower later and she crawled in beside him, closing her eyes as she felt his arm flop over her waist and his lips press against her ear. 

“You’re back early…”

“Mmm…” she settled further into the bed, the familiar sheets and scent more comforting than she’d ever admit to anyone. 

“Operation: Thunder Cuddle?”

Natasha snorted, even that was better than the official name. “Yeah…are you wearing my nightgown?”

Clint pulled her closer, “I bought it, it’s mine…smells like you though…”

The light of the digital clock beside the bed caught Natasha’s eyes. 2:27am. Four hours and thirty-three minutes sleep then…

~*~*~

“Where are you going?” Clint rubbed sleep out of his eyes with one hand, his other pushing one of the straps of his ‘borrowed’ negligee back up his shoulder. 

“Breakfast. Go back to sleep,” Natasha patted Clint’s black silk clad butt as he pulled the blanket back over himself. 

Clint grabbed the alarm clock, checking the time, “It’s too early. You just want to see if you can see the princess.” 

“That and I haven’t eaten in two days.”

“Hmm…she’s in the other castle ‘nyway…” Clint murmured, already mostly asleep. 

Natasha chuckled, pulling a robe around her as she headed for the kitchen. She figured it was too early for the newest member of the household to be up anyway but she could still have a quiet coffee and some toast and bribe JARVIS into showing her some more footage of her target. 

The kitchen and living room was still dark apart from one long square of light poking between the curtains, as if they had been drawn the night before and then pushed back enough for one person to slip through onto the balcony. 

Natasha peeked through the gap in the curtains. A dark haired figure sat on a low stool on the balcony, staring intently down at a small wooden chest with a few small rounded stones placed upon it. Natasha had found the princess after all. 

“Good morning.”

Loki looked up from his rune chest, he had not heard the flame haired woman approach, “To you as well. I don’t believe we’ve been introduced…”

“It’s Natasha. I know who you are…”

“Mmm, words travels quickly on Midgard,” Loki pulled another small stone from a silk bag on his lap, examined it carefully and placed it on the top of the chest. 

Natasha raised an eyebrow, “You want a coffee? I’m getting one…”

A smile tugged at the corner of Loki’s mouth, he nodded. 

Two cups of coffee in her hands, Natasha joined Loki on the balcony, watching the sun rise over the New York skyline. It was cool outside but blissfully quiet apart from the cooing of two pigeons sitting on the handrail of the balcony. More stones had joined the others on the top of the box since Natasha went for coffee and, sitting closer, she noticed they all had small geometric symbols carved into them, their placement matching up with different symbols and patterns on the top of the chest. 

“So…should I ask what you’re doing there?”

Loki drew another stone from the bag, grimaced and placed it down on the board, “Just a little divination, I find I do my best work early in the day.”

“Like tarot or something?”

“I’m not entirely sure what that is” Loki gave a snort and shifted one stone to a new position, “but these are divining runes, carved and blessed by the Norn Queen herself. They were a wedding present, though I fear…”

More shifting of runes, another one drawn and placed on the board…

“I fear they were a little wasted on myself. Divination was never my strong suit, and I’ve always found the entrails of a bird give a much clearer image of what is to come…”

Loki’s gaze shifted to the pigeons on the handrail, who, perhaps having slightly more talent at seeing the future than Loki, guessed their fate and made a hasty retreat from the Tower. 

“What do you want to know?” Natasha took a slip of her coffee, trying to guess some pattern to the placement of the runes.

“The trick is to _not_ want anything from the stones, then your mind is free to hear what they have to say.”

“Are they saying anything in particular this morning?”

Loki’s face was pensive, he tucked a hand behind his neck to bring his hair over one shoulder, “Fragments… many small threads from which I cannot seem to pull a picture. Tch…”

And with one movement Loki’s gathered the runes, clearing the board and dropping all of the stones into the silk bag at his lap. 

“I cannot hear anything for myself this morning. Come, let us see what the Norns have in store for you…”

Loki held the silk bag over the chest to Natasha. She shrugged, why the hell not?

“What do I do?”

“Shake up the runes and choose one without looking. Try to keep your mind clear as you choose.”

Natasha did as she was told, choosing her rune and holding it up for Loki to look at. He examined the rune carefully then indicated where she should place it on the board. They repeated this four more times until Loki signalled for the red head to stop and stared down at the board.

He was silent for some time, occasionally shifting a rune to a new position. Natasha shifted where she sat nervously; she wasn’t sure if she believed that Thor and Loki controlled some sort of magic, but she also wanted to know her future…just a little.

“Well? What do they say?”

Loki rubbed his chin, “I see that you share a nest with the archer…”

“That’s the present, not the future…”

“Perhaps it is the future as well, young spider.”

Natasha raised an eyebrow, maybe it wasn’t complete mumbo jumbo. 

Loki stared down at the board. The runes were spelling out “birth” to him again, perhaps meaning a new start, a renewal, or maybe something a little more literal. Curious that this would appear twice in one morning. 

“Tell me Lady Natasha, have you ever considered having a child?”

A contemptuous snort was all the reply Loki needed, the Norns were teasing him today. 

“The stones are being difficult,” he cleared the board again, taking the silk case from Natasha and dropping them in, sighing, “Some days the future remains closed to all of us.”

“I prefer not to know anyway, keeps you on your toes,” Natasha said, shrugging. 

Loki took a sip of his coffee and looked out over the balcony again. His hand came up and gripped his hair, stroked down the length of it two times. Natasha considered herself a person who had seen almost everything, but even she allowed a little surprise to appear on his face when Loki’s hair started plaiting itself. 

“That’s definitely cooler than the runes.”

“Oh, this? A simple trick. I find it saves time in the morning,” Loki looked at Natasha again, bit his bottom lip as his took a small leather cord from inside his robe and tied it around the end of his hair (he would prepare his hair for the day properly after his bath), “Lady Natasha, how long have you and the archer shared your chambers?”

Natasha raised an eyebrow, maybe this wouldn’t be as difficult as she thought, “Long enough, why do you ask?”

Loki fidgeted with his hair some more, evidently thinking. He looked down into the silk bag on his lap and began to play with the runes again, “Oh…just making conversation.”

Natasha sighed, she was really not in the mood for playing coy and wanted to take a very long bath, she still felt…sandy. Patience had always been the hardest skill for her to employ out of all of those at her disposal. Fury had told her to not to mince words with Loki, it was probably time to lay the cards, or the rune stones, out on the table.

“Listen, I’m going to level with you here,” Natasha met Loki’s eyes across the box, “Has Thor told you much about how things work on Earth? About who he works for? About SHIELD?”

“He has told me you call your group the Avengers…he had not mentioned a shield…”

“Well, the Avengers is a SHIELD initiative. I work for SHIELD, Thor does too…I don’t think he’s ever drawn a pay check, but that’s not the point, SHIELD is an organisation which tries to protect the Earth from internal and external threats and right now it’s very concerned about you.”

“Me..?” Loki’s eyes hardened, hand tightening around the bag of runes, “And what have I done whilst here to warrant such concern? I have been sent only to assist-”

“-‘Your husband in the search for Thanos.’ Yeah, I saw the footage. Nice little cover there, I couldn’t have thought up better myself. SHIELD is aware of the real reason though…” Natasha’s eyes rested pointedly on Loki’s belly, his hand coming up to rest on it protectively. 

Loki blinked, the people of Midgard were not as unsophisticated as he had at first thought. No doubt the house’s watcher, that strange disembodied voice which answered to Stark, had heard his and Thor’s conversations and reported on them to this SHIELD. Anger came quickly, not just at his darkest and most shameful secret being known so widely, but at his own mistake in underestimating his hosts. 

“So it is common knowledge that I have failed as a wife?”

Natasha chose to ignore the melodramatics, “SHIELD is more concerned with war breaking out between Asgard and Jotunheim. We’re sort of using this planet, we’re not interested in it becoming your battleground again. If it takes you and Thor having a child to prevent that, we’re going to do everything we can to assist.”

“What a charming picture that paints,” Loki gave a small, sardonic smile. 

“Mmm,” Natasha got up and poured the dregs of her coffee into Steve’s rather sad looking potted tomato plant, “I have a feeling since you’re here there’s a bit of pressure from Asgard that you get pregnant sooner rather than later. It can’t be easy…all those expectations and every year still no baby. All SHIELD and I are offering is a little help…”

“And how do you intend to help in this…endeavour…if I agree to accept your meddling in my private affairs that is…” Despite being seated and Natasha standing over him, Loki still somehow managed to look down his nose at her. 

Natasha shrugged, “I have a certain skill set which is applicable in situations such as these. You and Thor are both relatively young and healthy…all you really need is a little push in the right direction.”

Loki’s hair started unplaiting and then braiding itself again, his face unreadable. He regarded Natasha carefully, he didn’t trust her or this shadowy SHIELD of which she spoke, but the offer of help…real help…was tempting. He had been alone in his shame in this for so long…

His hair had braided itself twice by the time he spoke again, “So how do you intend to, as you say, push my husband and I in the right direction?”

Only Natasha’s years of training prevented her from giving the sigh of relief she felt so strongly, she had never had a mark this hard to read. 

“Well, that’s where you come in,” She sat again on the other side of the rune chest, “Why do you think Thor and you haven’t had sex yet?”

“I fear my husband still sees me as a child to be cared for and tolerated, rather than as his wife,” Loki said, looking out over the balcony and not meeting Natasha’s eyes. 

“And why do you think that?”

Loki grimaced, “Our marriage did not start itself out on the right footing…”

Loki’s voice had a power to it, as soft as it was in the quiet morning air, and Natasha wondered if there was some magic woven in his words, because as he spoke images appeared in her mind, bright and distinct, almost as if she had witnessed them herself. 

She saw Loki and Thor, familiar and yet different…younger, Thor less broad and Loki with still some of the lankyness of a teenager about him. Loki was dressed entirely in shimmering pale gold robes, pulling the pins which connected a large headdress and veil to his hair out, Thor was wearing armour similar to what he wore in battle but more ornate, more gold and precious stones and with a large winged helmet finishing the outfit. 

There were tears in Loki’s eyes as he pulled the headdress off, placing it carefully on a dressing table. Natasha saw Thor speaking but couldn’t make out his words, as if he were speaking from a great distance. His face was gentle, he approached Loki slowly, as one would a wild animal. 

Loki shied back, tears falling now as he slipped past Thor. Natasha followed him, realising now that Loki had done…something, performed some spell to make her witness his memories of his and Thor’s wedding night. 

She was in the bathroom with Loki now, watching him pulling off his wedding robes and weeping openly. Despair washed over her, deep and empty; the despair of being alone in a foreign place, of the knowledge you would never see your homeland or family again, of a life now set in its path with no possibility of change. Hopelessness. 

Time passed quickly as Loki wept almost naked on the bathroom floor surrounded by his discarded wedding dress, Loki perhaps speeding up this part of the memory for the sake of efficiency. Soon the light of a new day was shining through the small window of the bathroom and there was a hesitant knock on the door. 

Loki pulled himself up from the floor, straightening his shoulders and holding part of his robes over his body before opening it. Thor was on the other side, his face open, painted with concern and a little hurt not quite hidden. This time Natasha heard his words loud and clear. 

“Look Loki…”

Thor gestured into the room where the night before there had been one large double bed. In its place now were two single beds separated by a nightstand. 

“Things can be as they were before. Nothing has to change Loki, not if you do not wish it.”

_“Nothing will change between us…”_

The image started to fade in front of Natasha’s eyes. She blinked and suddenly she was back on the balcony of the Tower, watching the sun rise. That was…interesting

“And that is how matters have stood, more or less, since that night,” Loki said. 

“Can you give me a little warning before you do that next time?”

“Apologies. I thought it would be the simplest way to show you…”

“No, no, it’s fine,” Natasha rubbed her face, she was going to need so much more coffee, “Alright, so if I’m right about this, you think Thor isn’t interested in you because of…what happened.”

“Indeed.”

“Well, first more coffee,” Natasha stood, holding her hand out for Loki’s now empty mug, “But if you ask me, the answer is obvious: if you want him to stop treating him like a child, you’re going to have to stop acting like one.”

Loki blinked, “I don’t understand…”

Natasha lent in close, pressing one finger against Loki’s chest, “You might have to take a little initiative. Thor seems pretty visual to me, I think you’re going to have to show him that you’re his wife rather than just waiting for him to make a move. Come on, we have a lot to talk about…”


	8. I'll show you mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Thor comes clean, Steve is a hussy, Loki decides a new outfit is in order and Bruce contributes to world peace.

Steve put up his hand, panting and bracing his other on his knee, calling a stop to their sparring. Thor chuckled, panting himself. 

“Done already?”

Steve huffed and stood back up, “Give me a break, I had a late night.”

They both headed for the showers, Thor immediately stripping off and stepping under the water with the complete lack of self awareness Steve had come to expect from him. Steve hesitated for a moment before joining Thor, now was as good a time as any to see how the Loki situation was faring, to be honest he’d talk about anything to take his mind off Tony and …last night. 

Thor already had his head under the water, soaking his long hair and then shaking his head like a dog. Steve took a moment to half heartedly soap himself down before making his first move, clearing his throat before speaking. 

“So…how’s Loki liking Earth?”

“I think he likes it well, friend,” Thor smiled and pushed his hair out of his face, “I feared he would be bored here on Midgard but he seems to be enjoying himself.”

“That’s good…” Steve coughed again, keep going, just keep going, “And how are things between you two…personally?”

“You are asking if I have bedded him yet?” Thor started on the shampoo, his voice still even and genial, as if Steve was asking what he thought about dinner, “And in answer, not yet. Though I believe progress is being made, Steven, for Loki allows me to share the bed. In time, we will be ready.”

Thor seemed very pleased with this development, though there was something about it which rankled at Steve’s sense of equality, it just seemed like Thor spent all of his time making concessions for Loki and getting very little in return. 

“Why didn’t you guys switch…with the bed?”

Thor looked over at Steve, confused, as if the idea had never occurred to him.

“I mean…you could switch on who got the couch and who got the bed at night…that’d be fair…”

The taller man waved his hand dismissively, “Loki asked for the bed and I gave it him, I would not deny him.”

“Well,” Steve swallowed, “It just seems to me you spend a lot of time ‘not denying’ Loki, and not getting much in return…”

Thor’s voice was a shade deeper when he spoke next, a tone of warning to it, “You know not of what you speak Steven…you do not understand.”

“Try me.”

Thor was silent a moment, Steve almost thought he wouldn’t answer, but then began to speak, “You already know that Loki and I’s marriage was arranged to seal a treaty between our worlds…”

Steve nodded. Thor’s mouth had thinned and he turned away from Steve to stare at the wall as he washed his hair out, the most uncomfortable Steve had ever seen him. 

“What you do not know is that when my Father negotiated the treaty Jotunheim had already lost the war, they were ready to be crushed beneath Asgard’s boot.”

Steve didn’t really understand where this was going. What did any of this have to do with who got the bed and who got the couch?

“Loki came to live in Asgard in his fifth year, not just so that we would know each other, but as a way of ensuring his Father’s continued obedience to my own. He was a prisoner, Steven, afforded the respect and courtesy befitting one of his rank, but a prisoner of war none the less. If my Father so wished, with a word Loki could be imprisoned, beaten, refused food; he was not a citizen of Asgard, there were no rights afforded him.”

Puzzle pieces began to fall into place in Steve’s mind; not just giving Loki the bed, everything. Thor’s easy acceptance of a completely sexless marriage, the fact that he didn’t seem to discuss his wants or needs with Loki, the…well, it was almost delicate…way Thor acted around his wife.

“Loki is powerless in every part of Asgard bar our marriage bed. It would not be…” Thor seemed to be struggling for the right words, “I do not wish to press the issue of consummating the marriage, he must want this himself. And besides…he is small for his people, and of delicate constitution. Though a child is expected from us soon I fear it would place undue strain on his body. Perhaps in a few years…when he is older and stronger…”

Steve screamed internally. A few years? Thor referred to the Middle Ages as ‘a few years!’ Fury wanted Loki pregnant by the end of the summer, they didn’t have ‘a few years!’

“You know, if you’re worried about Loki’s health we can…I mean, Bruce is a doctor, he could look over him, medicine is amazing these days…”

Thor barked a laugh, “I have no doubt Banner is a fine healer, friend, though I doubt he has much knowledge of the physiology of Frost Giants.”

“It’s just…this is sort of important Thor. The treaty…”

“There is no rush, friend. I have had some times to think on this and I do not feel Hellblindi is as close to the throne as he would have others believe. I know Loki worries for his Father but I believe old Laufey has a few more years in him yet, ” Thor said with a shrug, turning off the taps and picking up his towel. 

“Or he could not!” Steve followed him. Why wasn’t Thor taking this seriously? Frost Giants! War! Wagner! “Last time I checked, you came to us for help, Thor. Don’t you want this?”

“I…I do not know Steven…” Thor sat down heavily on a bench, half-heartedly squeezing water out of his hair and doing that thing with his face again where he looked like a teenager all of a sudden, “Sometimes I fear Loki views our marriage as a duty…”

“Well…it…is a duty Thor. It’s an arranged marriage to seal a peace treaty between your planet and his…if that isn’t a marriage based on duty then I don’t know what is!”

Thor gave a heavy sigh and leant over, putting his head between his legs, making Steve feel very very awkward in the process. Yet another thing to be added to the “Things Steve Would Rather Not See Thor Do While Naked” list. 

“Uh…that isn’t a bad thing though. There are heaps of really successful marriages where the couple didn’t choose each other…” Steve tried desperately to think of all the arranged marriages he knew of; Marie Antoinette and Louis XVI? Yeah, good move Rogers, how about a relationship which didn’t end in beheading?

“But I love him Steven! I love him and…” Thor sat back up, leaning his elbows on his knees and staring down into his towel, “I need to know he loves me too. I do not wish for my marriage to be just another union of convenience, like so many others.”

Steve sighed himself, joining Thor on the bench. He was so not qualified for this. “Have you tried talking to Loki about how you feel?”

Thor shook his head, burying his face in the towel. 

“Well, that might be a good place to start. C’mon man, everyone knows that good marriages are built on communication.”

Steve was pretty sure he read that in a greeting card once, or maybe it was something one of those TV doctors had said (not that Steve would admit to watching those shows) but it seemed to have the desired effect on Thor, who pulled his face out of the towel and looked Steve in the eye. 

“Is this true?”

“Sure, I guess.”

Then Steve was pulled into a crushing hug, one that probably would have cracked a couple of ribs on anyone else, and Thor was thanking him, saying he was right, he would speak to Loki right now and thank you, thank you my shield brother!

“Yep, no problems Thor…anytime.” Getting naked hugs from Thor was really not how Steve had imagined his day starting…

“Whoa…”

Aaand there was Clint, holding his gym bag and, from the looks of things, trying very hard not to laugh. Yep, another great day in the 21st Century for Steve. 

“Captain Rogers, you hussy! He’s a married man!”

~*~*~

When Loki got back to his and Thor’s rooms he was glad to find he was alone. Closing his eyes he sent the fingers of his magic through the Tower, gently seeking Thor’s presence. He found him in the training rooms, what the Midgardians referred to as the ‘gym,’ with the Captain and smiled, he would be occupied for some time then. 

Natasha’s words rung in his ears. 

_Take a little initiative._

With a flick of his wrists, all of Loki’s luggage opened, his clothing starting to march out and fly around the room. Apparently the first step to convincing Thor that Loki was a sexual being in his own right was dressing, as Natasha suggested... _sexier_. Loki examined his wardrobe as it spun around the room, deciding in a split second that he hated every item he owned, though it had all been tailored to his wishes not more than a month before. 

Natasha had been right, Thor was visual. What had he been thinking? How had he possibly have thought that those high collared necklines and bell sleeves would have inspired Thor’s passions? And with so many layers, his figure (which he had been assured was really quite pleasing) was buried beneath them!

It was time to stop playing games! He was married now, and on Midgard at that, he did not have to worry about propriety or the gossip of the Court, he would dress as he wished and how he currently wished to dress was in a way to entice his husband. 

First, the layers had to go. With a flick of his wrist, Loki’s various outer robes all flew into a pile in the corner; it was far too hot during the day to wear them anyway. 

He drew one of his lighter robes towards him, deep green with an embroidered gold neckline and cuffs. With a flick of his wrists the embroidery began to unravel from the neck and cuffs of the robe. Once it was out it was a simple matter of slashing the neckline off so it would sit beneath his collarbones and then cutting the sleeves shorter, cutting off the bell of the sleeve and resewing the fabric so it would sit close to his arms. 

The embroidery rewove itself with a final flick of Loki’s wrists, a slightly different pattern considering the neck now had a longer line to work with. Loki pulled off his pyjamas, throwing them in the corner with the discarded outer robes, and raised his arms, letting the altered robe slip over his head. 

Loki examined himself in one of the mirrors on the wall in the bathroom. Yes, this was definitely an improvement. He slid his hands down his torso, the fabric tightening to his body just a fraction more. Very good. 

Now…hair. Hadn’t Thor been rambling about Loki wearing his hair out after that awful party? Loki’s mouth twisted, he hadn’t worn his hair loose since the day before his wedding…still if Thor thought it desirable, if it would make Thor’s hands wander and his lips kiss anywhere but Loki’s cheek, then he would wear it as loose as the courtesans of the Court!

…Well, perhaps not that loose. No need to go completely wild on the first day. Loki settled for pulling the top part of his hair into a bun, weaving some gold thread through it, and let the lower part of his hair fall loose. He placed his favorite gold torque around his neck and slipped on a handful of gold bangles over each wrist. 

Yes, he was now definitely very sexy. 

Now, it was time to find Thor. A quick seeking found him still in the gym, showering off after his training session. Good, Thor could accompany him for breakfast and admire his new clothes at length. 

Loki entered the gym just as Thor was leaving the showers, wearing a pair of grey sweat pants and toweling his hair. 

“Good morning, husband,” Loki lowered his eyes and turned his head slightly, trying to show Thor the line of his neck, now set off all the more by the lower neckline of his robe. 

Thor stopped in his tracks, bringing down his towel. His eyes ran over Loki in the slim fitting robe he hadn’t seen before, bare feet poking beneath its hem and wrists heavy with bangles. And his hair…oh, that hair, hanging loose past his hips like a sheet of black marble, the envy of every woman (and a surprising number of men) of the Court. 

“Loki…” Thor’s tongue felt heavy all of a sudden, “Is that a new robe?”

“Not very new,” Loki smiled, triumph bubbling in his stomach, “Will you join me for breakfast?”

“Of course!” Thor dropped his towel on the floor, letting Loki slip his hand around his forearm. 

Bruce looked up from his toast, raising one eyebrow as Loki and Thor entered the common rooms. Loki seemed unusually smug, even for him, and Thor had a bad case of what was technically referred to as ‘googly eyes.’ He murmured a good morning as the two of them sat down on the other side of the table, Thor continuing to stare as Loki poured himself a massive bowl of sugary cereal. 

Bruce stopped mid chew, his eyebrows almost burying themselves in his hairline as he watched Thor raise a hand and ghost it, not quite touching, over Loki’s long black hair, still with that love struck look in his eyes. 

“Thor, can you pass me the juice?”

“Of course, my love.”

Bruce shrugged and went back to his toast, at least they seemed to be getting along. He was glad he’d been left out of most of the ‘Operation: Get Thor Laid’ scheming; messing around in other people’s marriages was a short cut to high blood pressure. The Other Guy was way too curious about Loki anyway, it was best he keep his distance. 

Thor cleared his throat, then cleared it again, more pointedly this time. Bruce looked up, Thor was jerking his head towards the door. Bruce narrowed his eyes, what the hell?

“Doctor…I ran into Tony earlier, he said he required your assistance in a matter of science.”

“Really?” Bruce looked at his watch, “It’s only 9:00, Tony usually isn’t up before 1:00-“

“Well he is. He has arisen early and is looking for you…now.” Thor punctuated his words with another head jerk towards the door. 

Bruce took a slow sip of his tea. Was Thor actually trying to be subtle? It’d almost be funny if it wasn’t so terribly bad, Thor was about as subtle as a brick to the face. Alright, fine, if Thor wanted some alone time at the breakfast table with Loki, who was Bruce to say no. It could be his contribution to world peace for the day. 

“Riiiiight, well, I’d better go then…help Tony with that science,” Bruce picked his plate and his mug of tea and left Thor and Loki to their devices. 

As soon as Thor was sure Bruce was out of hearing range, he took Loki’s hand between both of his, drawing his wife’s attention away from the fruity pebbles. 

“My darling, I am glad we are alone…”

“As am I husband,” Loki shifted closer to Thor on his chair, “Do you like my robe?”

“It is very fine, my love, but I really wish to speak to you about-“

“I’m not wearing anything underneath it!”

Thor blinked. No, he couldn’t allow himself to become distracted by Loki’s enticing new clothing. They had to discuss many important things, like their marriage, their future together, love and…did Loki really just say he was not wearing underclothes?

“Do you wish to see?”

“Yes. Wait! No…Loki,” Thor had to stay focused, he took Loki’s hand back into his own from where it had wandered to his knee, “I need to speak to you of our marriage…”

Loki’s forehead knitted, “What is there to speak of, husband?”

Thor took a breath, “We have been married for some time now Loki and…I wish to know…I need to know…”

Augh, why was this so hard? Pretty and clever words had never been Thor’s strong suit.

“I feel…Loki, our marriage is important to me and…I would…” Thor shifted in his seat, “Is it important to you too?”

“Thor, of course it is. You are babbling, what do you wish to say to me?”

“I wish to say…no, I wish to know Loki…I need to know if-“

“Hey, Thunder Buns,” Tony poked his head around the door, “Fury just called, you and I are needed in the South West region. Apparently there’s something, one of Doom’s arms stockpiles or something, I wasn’t listening…”

“Tony, I am discussing something of great importance with Loki-” Thor growled. 

“Super, he can come too. You want to come see an abandoned warehouse full of boxes, Loki? Learn all about the thrilling and definitely-worth-waking-me-up-before-midday work your hubby gets up to here on Earth?”

Loki’s hand slipped form between Thor’s, picking up his spoon and going back to his cereal. Thor’s hands suddenly felt very empty. 

“That does sound enticing, Stark, but I am rather under-dressed for such an excursion…”

“Yeah, wish I could use that excuse. Come on Thor, put on a shirt and bring the hammer. The jet's in the shop and we need you to carry Clint.”

Thor clenched his hands on the seat of his chair, feeling the wood splinter between his fingers. 

“Go husband, I promise I will not stray far while you are gone,” Loki slid a spoonful of multi-coloured cereal between his lips, hiding mirth. He placed a hand on Thor’s knee, whispering into Thor’s ear as Tony left the room, “We can talk more when you return.”

Thor’s face suddenly felt flushed, “I will come and find you the moment I return.”

“I will be waiting, husband.”


	9. Like a virgin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Thor wants to talk and Loki definitely doesn’t.

“Well, what do you think?” Loki tugged at the end of his sleeves, turning slightly to show Natasha the lines of his dress, “Taking the initiative, I think was what you said…”

Natasha raised one eyebrow, “It’s an improvement…” 

Yeah, if Pride and Prejudice was your idea of hard core porn. Jesus, knowing those two, that probably wasn’t all that far off the mark. Natasha settled back onto the couch in Thor and Loki’s suite, pushing a pile of clothes to the side to give her room (what happened? Had his wardrobe exploded or something?). It had only been what, two hours since they spoke. She certainly couldn’t say Loki wasn’t willing to work with her…

“Thor seems quite taken with my new look. He was practically dribbling onto his pop tarts at the table.”

“Mmm, I saw the footage. So what’s the next step?”

Loki stopped admiring himself in the mirror and turned to Natasha, “Next step?”

“Yeah,” Natasha picked up a bangle which had been left on the coffee table, slipping it on her wrist to try it for size, “he’s clearly interested, now you just have to seal the deal…actually get him into bed. That’s what you want, isn’t it?”

Loki sat down right next to Natasha on the couch, leaning in close and nodding, “Oh yes. What is my next move?”

Natasha played with the bangle a little more, thinking. She didn’t think she’d have to do so much hand holding here and it was difficult to know how to help Loki. It was hard to figure out how to seduce a mark you knew literally nothing about, and SHIELD’s psych profile on Thor was a slim volume at best. 

One of the first things she’d ever been taught in the KGB when dealing with an inscrutable mark (or if you were out of time) was to just turn up naked in his bedroom. It was a lesson that had never done her wrong. 

The suggestion was met with a look of almost shock, Loki clearly scandalised by the very idea. You’d think she’d asked him to crawl out naked into the lounge room and give Thor a blow job on the couch. 

“I don’t think it’s completely crazy. You are going to have to be naked at some point if you want to have sex.”

“Well…yes. Yes, I suppose you are right,” Loki sat back on the couch, playing with his sleeves again, “But…

Natasha sighed, “But what?”

“What if he doesn’t like…me. My body is…unlike an Aesir’s…Thor has never seen me undressed…”

The woman raised an eyebrow, “Are we talking about the situation…downstairs…”

“Don’t tell me, you’ve been briefed about the state of my genitals too?” Loki’s voice dripped with sarcasm.

“We have some theories but there’s no reliable source for conformation.”

“How comforting. But yes, since you mention it, the ‘downstairs situation’ is a concern.”

“Well…I can’t reeeally help without know what we’re dealing with here…”

Loki rolled his eyes and sighed, reaching down and lifting the hem of his robe up, spreading his legs apart. Natasha dipped her head, taking one good look before sitting back up. 

Loki raised one eyebrow at her as he lowered his robe, “Satisfied?”

“Ahem...very,” Natasha started playing with the borrowed bangle again, affecting an air of nonchalance (not every day you see that!), “Listen, I don’t think you’ve got much to worry about. You’re working with the best of both worlds there.”

“Thank you, I think. You can keep that if you like it…I never wear it anymore.”

“Really?”

“Mmm…Oh it was part of a set, I believe. Here…” Loki rooted through his jewelry case which was jammed next to the couch, pulling out another two bangles matching the one Natasha was wearing. 

Natasha slipped the other bracelets over her wrist. They were three slim gold bands, etched with a vine and leaf pattern and studded with different precious gems; rubies, sapphires and some yellow gems Natasha didn’t recognise. Red, blue and gold, Thor’s colours. 

“You’re sure?” Natasha was hoping Loki wouldn’t change his mind, they’d look great with that new black dress…

“I have another set just like it and they suit you better anyway. Now,” Loki shifted slightly, “I think I should get ready…”

There was something about the suddenly tense set of Loki’s shoulders which made Natasha pause. Mark or no mark, potential interplanetary war or no potential interplanetary war, all this meddling in Loki’s sex life didn’t really sit right with Natasha. There was something about it which just felt…wrong. 

She could almost see Fury’s scowl when she opened her mouth next, “Listen…Loki…ugh…is this really what you want?”

A crease appeared between Loki’s eyebrows, he looked confused. 

“I mean…if you really don’t think you or Thor are ready for this, then don’t think you have to do anything you don’t want to. This is about you two, not anyone else.”

Loki gave a dry chuckle, “We would both be fools if we believed that to be true, Lady Natasha. Do not worry yourself. Thor and I built ourselves a comfortable cage, it was time we were pushed out of it.”

“If you’re sure…” Natasha shrugged and gave Loki a light punch to the upper arm, trying to lift the mood, “You’ll be fine. Believe me, it’s not that big a deal once you’ve done it.”

“I’ve been told that. I think Thor will return soon, I would like to shower before he gets back…”

“Yeah, ok” Natasha stood to leave, nudging a few dresses out of her way, “I’ll be around if you want to talk…later.”

“Thank you.”

After Natasha had left Loki took a cool shower, using a quick spell to dry his hair after he was done. His stopped his hands when they instantly started the motions to tie his hair. Instead he rooted through his vanity case, choosing a perfumed oil and rubbing a small amount onto the ends of his hair, the base of his neck and the inside of his wrists. 

Thor still wasn’t back. Why did these stupid patrols take so long? This waiting was driving him mad! Loki paced the room once, twice, then wandered into the mostly empty walk in robe, the only clothing in there Thor’s small collection of Midgardian garb. 

There was a full length mirror in there though, something Loki hadn’t noticed before. He paused, examining himself from head to toes slowly. This was how Thor would see him. He traced a finger down his sternum, imagining it was Thor’s. Would this be what would finally entice him?

Loki’s hand strayed further down his body, over his stomach, pausing briefly to trace the rise of his hipbone then brushing over his cock. Like this, from this angle, he was completely male. It was a simple movement to lift his cock and sac and reveal the soft folds of flesh hidden behind them, the best of both worlds, as Natasha had said. 

His other hand came down to trace along the edges of his entrance, his fingers seeking that small nub that crowned his…pussy; that was the word they used here, he had heard it several times now. He liked this word, it whispered itself intimately around his mind, not as hard edged as some of the other terms he had heard and used on Asgard. 

His cock twitched as he started to rub his fingers over the nub. Lust started to crawl into his mind, pushing out the nerves he had felt earlier. Now his thoughts centered on Thor, on the broad planes of his back, the strength in his hands and arms, the same hands which were so gentle when they held Loki’s hand or pressed lightly on his lower back to guide him. 

Loki loved and hated that gentleness. It was the only way Thor touched him and he yearned for it, but at the same time he dreamed of Thor being just a little…firmer with him, show him that Thor felt more than just friendly affection for his wife, push him down onto the bed, pin his wrists perhaps…

Loki was hard when he wandered back out to the main bedroom, moving from his clit to stroking his cock idly. The bed was unmade and he flopped back on the messed sheets, pulling one of the pillows under his head. He raised one knee, from this angle he could stroke and finger himself at the same time. He moved slowly, languidly, not wanting to get too excited before Thor got back…

“…Loki?”

…which, as it turned out, was sooner rather than later. 

Loki opened his eyes slowly, Thor was standing over him on the bed, face unreadable, hair messy and a little dust caught on his cheek from the mission. He smiled up at Thor, tongue poking out and dragging across his lower lip as he kept stroking himself. 

“Husband…you’ve returned,” Loki arched his hips off the bed slightly, thrusting into his hand, “I-I’ve been waiting for you.”

“Loki…” Thor said again, his brain seeming to have gotten stuck on that word. His voice sounded strained, tight. He clenched his fists and seemed to almost be taking a step back. 

Gods above! No! Not this time! Loki snapped up, grabbing Thor’s hand in one of his own. 

“Please…” he didn’t mean to sound quite so needy, but oh Gods, he had been waiting 100 years, “Please Thor…don’t go. Stay…stay with me.”

Thor’s mouth twisted, a look of anguish barely covering his own want coming over him. He let Loki pull him a little closer. 

“We need…we should discuss…” Thor looked down at Loki’s slender fingers barely circling his wrist., “Loki…I’m not sure,” he swallowed loudly, “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You won’t,” Loki got onto his knees on the edge of the bed, pulling his husband closer and grabbing Thor’s other wrist, drawing them behind him and making Thor embrace him about the waist, “You could never hurt me Thor.”

Loki’s lips brushed against Thor’s, his husband’s warm breath brushing over Loki’s cheeks. His eyes fell closed as Loki pressed their lips together, hands coming up to smooth through Thor’s hair. 

“Isn’t this what you warriors dream of, my love? A warm body waiting in your bed when you return from battle?” 

Thor gave a breathy groan, his arms tightening around Loki’s waist, one hand grabbing a handful of hair. 

“Should I undress you?” Loki stepped off the bed, hands sliding down to where Thor’s cape attached to his chest plate, “That is what the whores do, yes?”

“I…I don’t know…”

Loki’s chucked, skilled fingers making quick work of the buckles of Thor’s armor which fell with a heavy clank to the floor. His vambraces and mail shirt followed and then Loki was sliding his hands under Thor’s tunic, cool fingers sending a shiver up Thor’s spine. 

Loki let his hand’s dance over Thor’s chest under his tunic, letting his fingers explore the raises and dips of the muscle under his skin. His fingers brushed against one of Thor’s nipples and Thor groaned, gripping Loki tighter. 

They kissed again, Thor’s tongue slipping inside Loki's mouth. A breathy moan formed in Loki’s throat as he pressed himself tighter to Thor’s chest, hands coming down to the ties and buckles which closed his husband’s pants. He could already feel the hard ridge of Thor’s cock pressing insistently against his thigh, generating its own heat. 

Thor broke the kiss when Loki finally pushed his trousers down, Thor’s cock springing up to rest against his stomach. Loki’s courage dimming for a moment when he looked down. Loki had experimented, sliding his fingers inside himself as he stroked his cock so he would know the feeling when Thor finally chose to visit his bed, but his slender fingers seemed suddenly to be a poor substitute. 

He gripped it under the head, watching the foreskin slip back to expose the hidden flesh underneath, feeling the weight and heat of it under his hand. Thor groaned suddenly, his hips thrusting forward into Loki’s hand. The larger man grabbed Loki close again, pressing their lips together with force, his eyes dark and clouded when they broke apart. 

Loki’s breath came out in a shudder, Thor’s hands coming down to grab Loki’s hips and press them together. Loki started to rub their hips together, feeling his own cock slide beside Thor’s. 

Thor broke them apart after only a moment, his voice strained when he spoke again, “You’re sure?”

“Y-es…Thor, please…” Loki whispered, sitting back down on the bed and sliding himself back so he could lay back on the mattress. His lay his head on the pillow again, planting his feet on the mattress, legs wide. 

Thor pulled off the last of his clothes stared down at Loki, his body almost glowing on the dark sheets. He'd never seen Loki naked though he'd tried to imagine it many, _many_ times. Hel, he hadn’t seen Loki’s knees unclothed since he had turned 13.

Thor placed his hands on Loki’s spread knees, looking down at Loki’s hard cock, his balls and then at the cunt which hid between his thighs. He licked his lips, old Berus the librarian had told him once that the Jotun were so wild in their coupling they almost became animals, that they engaged in degrading acts, placed mouths on each other’s sex, sullied their marriage beds crawling all over each other. 

The thoughts of such perversions had stuck in Thor’s mind, consuming him, made all the worse with the knowledge that the elegant and refined Loki, raised in Asgard’s tempered halls, would never dream of allowing such perversion in their bed. Thor had locked his desires away, his mind the only place where he licked Loki’s cunt and sucked his cock, the only placed where Loki climbed atop him and rode his cock to completion. 

Loki shuddered, what was Thor doing just standing there? His fears of Thor’s reactions to his genitals reared themselves and his hand came down to pull his balls next to his cock, covering them both with his hand.

“D-do you…is this better?” he traced the fingers of his other hand where the lips crested, spreading them apart slightly, an invitation. 

All of the air forced itself out of Thor’s lungs in a breathy grunt, he shook his head, “No..no, it’s…you are fine Loki, all of you is fine.”

“Then what are you waiting for?”

Thor met Loki’s eyes and gave a soft laugh, “I’m not sure…”

His fingers brushed once over Loki’s cunt, feather like, tentative. “Are you…”

“I’ve been ready for fifty years Thor. By the Norns, just do it!”

Thor hesitated only a moment more, giving his cock a few quick strokes before placing the tip of his cock against Loki’s entrance, the heat generated from it enough to make his cock twitch, beckoning to him. 

He lent forward with one arm beside Loki’s head, keeping the other hand on his cock to guide himself. Loki wrapped his arms around Thor’s neck, making them kiss again, whispering sweet words and encouragement in Thor’s ear. 

Loki gasped as Thor pushed forward, the feeling of fullness, the slight burn as his body stretched to accommodate Thor’s length and girth, all of it new though not entirely unpleasant. Thor paused, grunting and rubbing his face into Loki’s hair, and Loki took a moment to shift his hips on the mattress, wrapping his legs around Thor’s hips. 

“Keep going…please husband…”

Thor’s hips started to thrust, his face still buried in Loki’s hair, trying to calm himself with long, even breaths. The wet heat of Loki’s cunt around him was more than he’d ever dreamed of. He started to run through what he knew of his Father’s tax reform program, how best to polish horse tack, which knife to use to butter bread at table, anything to calm himself and let this last a little longer. 

Loki moaned out his name, something which could have been “just like that” and Thor’s resolve crumbled. He started to rut into Loki in earnest, groaning loudly, forgetting everything but the sound of Loki’s heavy breathing, the perfume in his hair, the soft hands on the back of his head and the warm body pressing against him. 

The pressure began to build in the base of Thor’s spine, something inside of him coiling around itself and then blossoming out. He came with a groan, his hips moving in short stuttering thrusts as he rode through his orgasm. 

Loki heard the groan, felt the shorter thrusts and then Thor flopped down, suddenly a dead weight on his body. Thor’s breath started to even out, he moaned one last time and rolled off his wife, his cock sliding out of Loki with a wet, obscene noise. 

Thor took a moment to centre himself, his palm coming to rest on his forehead. He looked over at Loki who was still in the same position on the bed, eyes fixed on some point in the distance and his cock still hard. 

The larger man pushed himself up onto his elbow, “You didn’t…I’m sorry…”

“No, it’s fine…I’m alright…”

“Let me…” Thor reached out, taking hold of Loki’s length and started to stroke slowly, “Do you like this? I mean…does it feel as good here or would you like…”

“This is fine,” Loki said quickly, rolling over to face Thor as the other man increased his pace. Loki closed his eyes, breathing getting faster as Thor kept stroking. 

“You are so beautiful Loki.” Thor’s voice was earnest and open, a child’s declaration of love. 

Loki grabbed Thor’s head, pulled him in to kiss him again, leg hooking over Thor’s waist to draw them even closer. Thor keep stroking, thumb twisting over the head, rubbing the pre-come which had beaded there. Loki gave one last high pitched moan, thrusting into Thor’s hand as he came, spilling onto both of their stomachs and staining the dark sheets with white. 

Loki flopped back onto the bed, boneless and done. A small trail of Thor’s seed was working its way down his inner thigh. They had done it. One hundred years of circling each other and they had finally done it. Laughter came unbidden, bubbling up from Loki’s stomach. 

Confusion creased Thor’s brow, “Why do you laugh my love?”

He gave one last giggle before falling quiet, meeting Thor’s eyes, “I’m just happy, husband.”

“Then I am glad.”

Thor paused a moment, shifting closer and pressing his lips to Loki’s shoulder. He had been so intent on speaking with Loki, on discussing their future together and their marriage but Loki had been…distracting. He had to know though, if he knew the one most important thing then everything else would work itself out…

“Do you love me, Loki?”

Loki looked over at Thor, then chuckled again, “Do you really think I would not have found some way out of our marriage before now if I did not? Of course I love you, Thor.”

It was not quite the answer Thor wanted, but it was an answer. And, as Loki had rolled over to nestle against Thor’s side, rubbing his belly, it was one he would accept. 

“Loki?”

“Mmm?” Loki idly traced out a few runes on Thor’s chest, suddenly feeling very lazy. 

“Why are your clothes everywhere?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg! Sex finally happened!


	10. The Ballard of Other Tony and 40’s Guy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Bruce’s academic career is further delayed, Thor takes a wardrobe for a walk, Loki gets a fast course in capitalism and gender and Steve encounters the hipster in its native habitat.

Tony was annoying. Really, really annoying. Like, bad for your blood pressure, annoying. 

Bruce was already aware of this. Tony was, despite his annoying tendencies, a lot of fun to be around, and could usually tone it down enough and contribute something to the day’s scientific activities to make up for the aforementioned annoying behaviour. 

Today was different though because Tony was distracted. Something was knocking around his brain which was stopping him from working and that meant that Bruce was apparently going to have to join Tony in the realm of the distracted. 

Right now, Tony was playing with some action figures, those new ones the Stark Industries toy people had sent up a while ago. He couldn’t play with toys normally though, oh no, Tony had to tinker with them. He had already given three Iron Man figures the power of flight and they were now buzzing around the room like seven inch red and gold blow flies, diving and swooping around Bruce’s head. 

Bruce tried his best to ignore them until one of the three landed on his key board, holding up its hand and spouting one of its pre-recorded catch phrases. 

“Stop right there! I’m taking you in!”

Bruce sighed, looks like that journal article he was working on would have to wait another day. Not like it was important or anything, it was just for MIT, not a big deal at all. 

A tiny Thor grabbed him around the ankle, promising to “bring him down, for Asgard and Earth!” and Bruce had had enough. He spun around in his chair to face Tony, just in time to see him launch another two Iron Men. There was a Captain America running around on the table top, trying to find a way down. 

“Are you going to tell me what your problem is or are you going to weaponize those things first?”

“Problem?” Tony prodded the Captain America with the end of a pencil, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“The last time you played with action figures Stark Industries was down thirty points on the stock market. Now tell me what’s up with you or I’m going to my room to finish this article.”

One of the Iron Men landed beside the Captain America the proceeded to chase him around the table. 

“There’s nothing up with me! I’m great, I’m awesome, never been better.”

Bruce pried the Thor from where it had climbed up to his knee and set it down next to the other toys on the table, turning to leave. 

“Ugh…but…I have this friend…”

Ahhhh, so they were going to play this game were they? Alright, if it got Tony to stop with the toys then Bruce could play along.

“And, let me guess, this friend of yours also happens to be the billionaire president of a multi-national corporation, a genius and a super hero?”

“I’m not sure, we don’t talk that much. Anyway, this friend of mine may have a bit of a thing, not much of a thing, like 20% of a thing at best…for one of his co-workers who he also happens to live with.”

“Riiiiiiight…” Bruce put his hand out to catch the little Thor as it made a leap off the table for freedom, putting the toy back and turning it to run towards the centre of the table, “And your friend-“

“His name is Tony as well, if that helps…”

“Right, so this other Tony is a little concerned about starting a relationship with someone he has to work with and live with, in case everything goes badly?”

“Exactly. And that’s not the only problem, see the guy Other-Tony likes, he’s from the ‘40’s.”

“Wow! Now that is a crazy co-incidence right there because we have a guy living with us, here in the Tower, from the 40’s too,” Bruce gave Tony his best ‘bitch please’ face. 

“Yeah, small world right? Anyway, Other-Tony’s sort of had a thing for the 40’s guy for a while but he always figured 40’s guy wasn’t interested but then, the other night, 40’s Guy and him totally had this moment, or they would have had one if it wasn’t for Natasha interrupting them-“

“Oh, there’s a Natasha living in that Tower too? With the other billionaire, genius, play boy named Tony and the other guy from the 40’s? We should totally have lunch, they sound like a fun crowd.”

“Well, they aren’t too bad but there’s this asshole physicist who doesn’t know when to be quiet and let people finish their stories. Anyway, so now Other-Tony isn’t sure whether to make his move on 40’s Guy or if this whole thing is just a massively bad idea to begin with and maybe the other night was just a fluke anyway and maybe I should just forget the whole thing ever happened.”

Bruce blinked, how had Tony had managed to get all of that out in one breath? Impressive. 

“Well, as I see it, there are two issues here. One is whether dating someone you live and work with is a good idea, and the other is whether Steve likes you back.”

“Don’t you mean whether 40’s Guy likes Other-Tony back?” Tony offered. 

Bruce picked up a pencil and threw it at Tony, one of the little Iron Men swooping down to catch it and save its master. 

“Don’t forget to brush your teeth!” it said, doing a few loops. 

“Whoever it is, I think they should just hang out with the person they like, whoever that also is, and see where things go. Both of these people are grown ups, or at least one of them is, and really, worrying about what will happen after a relationship ends when that relationship hasn’t even started from the sounds of things, is getting a little ahead of ourselves, isn’t it?”

And with that Bruce caught the little Iron Man which had been just about to dive bomb him in one hand, shoving it into Tony’s. The toy squawked something like “Get your parents to invest in Stark Industries!” as Tony flicked the little switch on its back to turn it off. 

“So, in conclusion, I think you should just ask Steve out,” Bruce pushed his glasses up his nose and sat back on his chair. 

Tony gave Bruce a look, a ‘you know it’s not that easy’ look, folding his arms over his chest. He looked down at the table where toy Captain America now had three of the Iron Men marching in formation. Tiny traitors. 

“…and you should probably dismantle those before they start organising.”

Tony started picking up the action figures and turning them all off. He was just picking the Thor toy out of the beaker it had somehow fallen head first into when his eyes were drawn to the entrance of the lab, where Loki’s wardrobe was slowly walking past the door. 

“I almost don’t want to know…” Bruce sighed. He was never going to get his article finished. 

“Aw, where’s your sense of adventure Bruce-y? Narnia’s come to us this time!”

The wardrobe cleared the doorway and Tony and Bruce poked their heads out after it. Turns out it wasn’t the wardrobe walking, more that it was Thor taking the wardrobe for a walk, his body hidden from view behind its size. 

“Ah, good morning friends!”

“Morning Thor. Silly question probably but what are you doing there?” Tony asked. 

“I am taking Loki’s clothing to the Bifrost site where they can be returned to Asgard.”

“Oh, well…that explains that.” 

Bruce and Tony watched Thor’s laborious progress through the hall towards the lift which would take him to the roof. 

“And…why is Loki sending his clothes back to Asgard? He’s not going back is he?” Tony said, meeting Bruce’s eyes. Jeez, that was definitely not a good sign. 

“No, no, he has simply tired of these garments and has asked that I return them to Asgard. He has provided instructions for a new wardrobe to be prepared…thusly…” Thor stopped, putting down the wardrobe, and pulling a thick roll of papers out from where he had tucked them into the front of his jeans which he handed to Bruce.

Bruce unrolled the papers, staring down at them blankly. The first few pages were just lines of runes, a letter probably, the rest of the pages were rough sketches of clothing, dresses of varying designs, some loose pants and tunic sets, all of them with arrows pointing to different parts of the garments and notes written in the margins. 

“What does it say?” Tony was looking over Bruce’s shoulder. 

“I don’t know, I skipped ancient runes at college.”

“Pity, all the hotties used to sign up for Ancient Runes 101. No wonder you never got any.”

The scientists followed Thor up to the roof, giving him back Loki’s letter which the god then carefully tucked into one of the draws of the wardrobe. Thor did his ‘calling Heimdall’ thing (sort of halfway between a yodel and a bark) and with a rainbow flash the wardrobe was gone. 

Something had occurred to Tony as soon as he saw the wardrobe start to flicker and disappear. 

“Um…Thor, was that all of Loki’s clothes there?”

“Bar what he has on his back now, Tony.”

“Right. And how long will it take for them to do up a new wardrobe up there at Sugar Candy Mountain?”

“Oh, a few weeks I should imagine,” realisation dawned in Thor’s mind, “…oh.”

“Yeah…oh.”

“I regret this decision, friends.”

Tony sighed, already pulling his phone out of the pocket of his jeans, “Don’t worry about it Thor. Pepper’s been bugging me about how Loki’s doing, she can take him to Saks or something.”

“Ah, you are most kind, friend Tony. I’m sure Loki will enjoy that, he liked Lady Pepper.”

~*~*~

“I am not going.”

Loki was sitting upright on the bed, his back supported by a pile of pillows, reading one of the books he had brought from home. He was wearing his one remaining robe and would not take it off, refusing to admit the mistake of sending all of his clothes back to Asgard without thinking to leave a few things to change into.

“But my love, you cannot wear the same thing every day for the next three weeks,” Thor sighed. 

“I don’t see why not,” Loki snapped the book closed and met Thor eyes, challenging. 

“Because it will start to smell. How do you intend for it to be cleaned if you are wearing it all the time? Come now, I know how important cleanliness is to you…”

Loki stuck out his bottom lip defiantly, “I just do not understand why I must venture forth for clothing! Is this place so backwards they cannot find a tailor to attend to me here?”

Thor slid next to Loki on the bed, looking up at him, “It is not how things are done here, dear one. People do not have time for clothing to be tailored, Midgardians are impatient. They have large towers full of garments readymade from which they choose.”

“But what if they do not fit?”

“There are many sizes. Come now, you have not left the Tower in over a week, surely you wish to see a little more of Midgard?”

Loki hmph’d, “I am certain I will not find anything I like.”

“How can you know that before you even look?” When Loki didn’t answer Thor pushed on, feeling his wife weakening, “Lady Pepper and Natasha are to accompany you, you enjoy Lady Natasha’s company do you not?”

“Well…perhaps I will go, if only to prove to you that there is nothing in these garment towers that could possibly be of interest to me.”

“Ahh, I knew you would,” Thor shifted even closer, pulling Loki’s arm over his shoulder and nuzzling the skin under Loki’s jaw, “and perhaps when you return…we can…”

Loki hummed a yes, sliding down to let Thor kiss him properly. Natasha and Pepper were apparently waiting for him right outside the door.

They could wait a few moments longer…

~*~*~

Loki had to admit he was slightly more impressed than he thought he’d be with Midgard’s readymade clothing. When Thor had described the ‘garment towers’ to him, Loki had imagined something rather like the weapon’s vault at Asgard, or perhaps the tack rooms adjacent to the stables, large open spaces which held whatever was needed, but were rather utilitarian in nature. He had expected barrels of various garments, the Midgardians gathered around and rooting through them like archers for the best fletched arrows. 

This place was nothing like that however. This place was bright and open, mild in temperature with soothing music playing in the background, the clothing all attractively displayed and easy to look through and touch. 

Pepper had first taken him to the men’s section and had gone through almost every rack trying to find something that Loki would even try on ( _No, I hate this. I hate this even more. Everything is terrible_ ). She had managed to convince him that jeans were a necessity on Earth and he had picked up a few pairs to try. They had also wandered into the shoe department, Loki expressing interest in having a pair of Converse like Steve had. 

This had turned out to be a ruse however, as Loki only gave the shoes a cursory look over before conveniently wandering into the women’s clothing section which had caught his eye the moment they had walked in. Here, the colours were brighter and more saturated, the fabrics finer and the shapes closer to what Loki was used to wearing. 

The tall women’s section provided several pairs of loose, soft trousers which he deemed acceptable. He also picked up several floor length dresses, Natasha advising him this style of garment was called a ‘maxi dress’ and was apparently quite stylish. 

“Tell me, Lady Natasha, what is the significance of the blue and white stripes I keep seeing repeated in the raiment here?”

“Oh, it’s just nautical style, that’s fashionable at the moment too.”

“I see…” Loki picked up one last dress from the rack, “very well. Now, how do I determine which size to take?”

“You have to try them on. There’re some changing rooms back there,” Natasha pointed to a door behind her with a sign saying ‘Fittings’ above it, distracted by some silk blouses, “let me know if you need any help.”

Loki took his armful of clothes and walked through the doorway. The entry branched off into two halls, one with the word ‘Men’ above it, the other ‘Women’. Loki looked at the men’s section, then over to the women’s section, then back to the men’s section. This…was a novel situation. 

Loki took a step into the men’s section and then stopped. There were other men in there, strange men he didn’t know. He had not expected these rooms to be communal! Even more distressingly the doors and walls of the cubicles, where trying the clothes seemed to take place, didn’t go all the way to the floor or to the ceiling! Any one of these strange men would be able to just poke their heads over and…look at him…see him undressed!

Loki’s arms tightened around his chosen clothes. This was not acceptable, he would not undress in front of a bunch of strangers like a tavern dancer! It was barbaric!

Loki took a few steps back, backing out of the men’s section. Maybe the women’s section would suit him better. There were less cubicles being used in there from the looks of things…

A middle aged woman with straight, steel grey hair gently touched his shoulder, “Did you want to try something on, dear?”

Loki jumped, “Ah…yes…yes, I was just…”

The woman’s hand moved to his elbow, guiding him back to the men’s section, “Men’s is over here dear. There’s a few rooms free towards the back there.”

Loki felt panic rising in him. He did not want to undress in this way!

"Away from me peasant!”

And with that Loki fled the fitting rooms, leaving a very confused shop assistant in his wake. He walked straight over to Pepper who was approaching the fitting rooms with a few wool skirts she wanted to try herself. Her smile faltered as she saw the distress on Loki’s face. 

“I have changed my mind. Take me back to the Tower immediately!”

“What? Don’t you like anything? You were barely in there a minute…”

“There are…” Loki looked around, clearly uncomfortable, “I will not change my clothing in full view of a pack of strangers!”

Pepper held out her hand to stop him from running, “You do know you do it inside the cubicle, don’t you?” Loki gave her a withering look, “Come on, it’s not that big a deal. I’m sure there isn’t anything in there you haven’t seen before…”

“But there might be some things _they_ haven’t seen before…” Natasha offered as she walked up, pressing two fingers to her temple. Ugh, how could she have missed that contingency: freak out because of gendered changing rooms.

“What?” 

Of course…Pepper didn’t know. Natasha jerked her head behind her, getting Pepper to take a few steps away from Loki. There was a hushed conversation, Loki saw the word ‘both’ passing Natasha’s lips. Pepper’s eyes went wide and she repeated the word. She blinked, seemed to think for a moment, then nodded, as if everything now made sense. 

Loki gave an exasperated sigh, tapping his foot. Were they taking him back to the Tower or not?

Pepper walked away, towards another of the store assistants. Natasha walked back over to Loki. 

“What is she doing? When are we leaving?”

“We’re not leaving, unless you want to wander around naked for the next three weeks,” Natasha gave Loki a hard glare, exasperated, “Pepper is finding you somewhere else you can get changed.”

“Somewhere without a pack of strangers peering at me, I presume?”

“Yes, Loki. Somewhere without a pack of strangers. Jesus, I don’t understand why you can’t just magic yourself some clothes…”

“Oh yes, because the ancient and powerful art of seidr is best applied to the work of tailors and seamstresses.”

“It seemed good enough for what you’re wearing now!”

“That was an emergency!” Loki huffed, “Seidr is not a bottomless well, little spider. It is like any other exertion; my reserves of energy and power are not limitless.”

Pepper came back with another shop assistant who showed them to a small room off to the side of the main floor. Inside was a plush couch and a large mirror. There was another door leading into an even smaller room with mirrors which Pepper showed Loki into. 

“You can try things on in here. See, no other people, no _peering_.”

Loki grumbled as he shut the door. Pepper flopped down on the overstuffed couch next to Natasha with a sigh. 

“Is this one of those personal shopping dressing rooms? Good thinking,” Natasha said with a nod. 

“He’s just lucky I’m a regular here. Ugh, it couldn’t just be an ordinary afternoon’s shopping, could it?"

“I’ve learned very quickly that when it comes to him and Thor, nothing is ordinary. Speaking of which…” Natasha leaned over and banged her fist on the change room door, “Hey! Loki!”

“What now?” Loki poked his head around the door, one eyebrow raised. 

“How’re things going with Thor?” Natasha waggled her eyebrows back at him, “You two just disappeared yesterday afternoon.”

A wicked smile spread across Loki’s face, “Ahh, let us just say I followed your advice, Lady Natasha, and it was well received. Now…” the prince disappeared for a moment before stepping into the main room in a rather garish green maxi dress covered in bright pink flowers, “I believe this is quite becoming…”

Natasha blinked, Pepper made an uncertain noise. 

“You’re sure you don’t want to try the jeans?”

~*~*~

“Hey Steve, I just met you, and this is crazy…”

Argh! No! No! No! What was he thinking? Tony gently banged his head against the mirror in his bathroom where he had retreated to…rehearse…yeah, rehearse…asking Steve out. 

For one thing, it was just incorrect. He hadn’t just met Steve, they’d been living together for six months. And he knew his number was already on Steve’s phone because Steve already called him pretty often, like when he needed advice on which laundry powder to buy (“There’re just so many these days!”). 

For another thing, it was just plain stupid and Tony was pretty Steve wouldn’t get the joke. 

Why was this so hard? Why was he even agonising about this? He was Tony Fucking Stark! Most eligible bachelor on the planet! He just had to go in there, look Steve straight in the eye and say…

Say…

Aaaaaaarrrrrrgggghhh!

Ok. Enough. Get a hold of yourself Stark! He was going to do this! He just had to ask Steve out in a way which guaranteed he couldn’t be rejected in any way, shape or form. Yes, that was the mature option. 

“Hey Steve!” Tony found Steve in the kitchen, staring into the fridge. Perfect. “I was thinking about the other night…”

Steve looked up from the fridge, eye’s wide. Oh God, here it comes. The endless teasing, the embarrassment, the “Hey everyone, Steve totally tried to slip me the tongue the other night! As if!”

Tony saw the horror in Steve’s eyes. Ahh! Redirect! “A-and I was thinking we should probably sit down and have a good long talk about…the mission. You know…take a few hours, throw some ideas ‘round the table…over lunch.”

“Oh,” Steve breathed a sigh of relief, maybe Tony had been too drunk to remember (why was that so disappointing?), “oh…well…I was just going to make a sandwich. You want one too?”

“No…um…I was actually thinking we could…go out…and have lunch…together,” _Keep going Stark, keep going_ , “It’s just…there’s this new diner place about a block from here, Pepper says it’s not horrible, and it’s 50’s themed. I mean…I know you’re actually from the 40’s but I figured you might want to, you know, see a little more of what you missed…”

Tony dug into his pocket and pulled out a pastel blue book of matches and handed it to Steve, ‘Skippy’s Diner’ emblazoned on the front. 

“Yeah, they go all out, even give these away…” Tony shifted uncomfortably where he stood, “So… you want to have lunch with me, Rogers?”

Steve smiled, meeting Tony’s eyes “You know…that’s really thoughtful of you Tony…thanks. Yeah, it sounds fun…”

“Yeah, I’ve been meaning to check that place out too!” Clint’s head appeared from over the top of the refrigerator where he had been perched, listening to the whole thing. Steve and Tony really were cute together, Clint approved, but that didn’t mean he was going to pass up an opportunity to antagonise Tony. 

“Barton!” Tony snapped. Mother of God, what was with him and getting cock blocked by SHIELD agents these days? Was it some sort of punishment for the cameras? Had Fury issued some order he wasn’t aware of? Tony wouldn’t put it past him…

“Barton, what have I told you about sitting on top of the white goods?”

“You know, I honestly can’t remember, some lunch might jog my memory though…”

“Oh, you should come with us…” Steve handed the little matchbook up to Clint, who examined it more closely, “I mean…you don’t mind, do you Tony? It’s about the mission, Clint’s a part of the team…”

Tony felt another tiny part of his soul break off and die, “Yeah, sure…it’s just…about the mission. The more the merrier.”

And that was how Tony ended up on a date at Skippy’s Diner with Captain America, chaperoned by Clint Barton. A girl in a white dress covered in red cherries, the bright teal of her hair set off by a perfect set of victory rolls, was taking their order. Steve was staring; Clint ordered three cheeseburger specials (Skippy’s famous all-American cheeseburger, thick cut fries and a chocolate shake, just $10.00!). 

“Wow,” Steve stared after the waitress after she retreated, “A few of the girls I used to tour with, they would have killed to be able to do their rolls that well, not sure about the colour though. Was hair that colour popular in the 50’s?”

“Mmm, I don’t think so…” Tony lent against the table, eyeing a bunch of hipsters hanging around the jukebox, “these places aren’t completely time period accurate…people like to have fun with it…it’s more like a tribute.”

“Ahh,” Steve nodded his understanding. Their waitress bought over the milkshakes. “So…we should probably get down to it…” Steve turned to Clint, his voice shifting slightly into ‘team leader’ mode, “Clint, is Natasha in on this full time now?”

Clint nodded, slurping his shake, “She’s Loki’s handler now and, since a certain God of Thunder isn’t here, I can let you guys know that phase one of Operation: Thunder Child has been completed.”

“Phase one? There are phases now?” Tony gave Clint an incredulous look over his drink, “Do we even want to know what phase one entails?”

“Phase one…” Clint paused as their waitress delivered their meals, waiting for her to walk away before continuing, “is consummation of the marriage. Something you would be aware had happened Tony, if you had kept an eye on your cameras like you’re meant to.”

“Hmm?” Tony bit into his burger (damn, that was good), “What? Oh, the cameras…yes…those cameras…” Tony had perhaps not been as diligent at checking Thor Cam 1 over the past couple of days as he could have been. He was a busy guy! He had a lot on his plate! A lot of things to think about…like certain Super Soldiers and the way they looked really good in a white shirt and jeans…

“Hey, don’t put this one on me just because I believe in the sanctity of every person’s right to privacy. Congrats to the big guy though, I’m just surprised there wasn’t some sort of victory dance.”

Then Steve was giving him that disappointed look, that ‘Tony, you had _one_ job’ look. Clint kept going. 

“Well…since phase one is complete we now move on to phase two, which is getting Loki pregnant. And really, I think at this stage all we have to do is sit back and not let Thor find out what contraception is.”

Steve picked up a fry, “You know, it’s funny you mention that, because Thor said to me he wanted to wait a few years more before having kids. He’s worried about Loki’s health…”

Tony snorted, “Really? Wifey looks pretty robust to me…”

“Well then we don’t let Thor take any sex ed classes. Otherwise, we just keep mute on the subject,” Clint took a few more bites of his burger, a thoughtful look on his face, “It probably wouldn’t hurt if we got him a little more interested in the idea of having a baby though…bit of a push in the right direction…”

“It’s something to think about…” Tony swallowed. His eyes were drawn to a flurry of activity at one of the diner’s windows. It was Pepper, tapping and waving at them through the window, shopping bags over her arm and a wide smile on her face. 

Pepper, with Natasha and Loki not far behind her, entered the diner, bumping into a few chairs as she went and almost upsetting a hipster’s vegan milkshake (vegan milkshakes, yeah, that’s period authentic). Tony was very pleased to see that Loki had been talked into wearing a pair of jeans. Never say Tony wasn’t thankful for small mercies. 

“Tooooonnyyyyyy…” Pepper fell into the free chair at their table, “This is amazing! F-fancy running into you here!”

There was a very strong smell of tequila coming from her. Natasha and Loki wobbled, pulling more chairs over to join them. 

“Yeah, ha ha,” Tony lent back as Pepper started helping herself to fries, “Small city. What have you been up to?”

“Shopping!” Natasha sung out the word, holding up her bags. 

“Then a glass of wine or two…and then margaritas and then oop! We found yooou!” Pepper started laughing.

“And we’re hungry!” Loki slammed his fist on the table, shaking it, “You! Blue haired wench! Bring us sustenance!”

Natasha laughed, wiping a little of Clint’s milkshake off her chin. 

Tony had a feeling it was going to be a very long lunch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's really silly. I apologize in advance.


	11. Lay Back and Think of Asgard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we learn that sex does not solve everything but frappuchinos sometimes do.

Loki slid his hands down Thor’s back, feeling the muscles working under them. He gave a soft noise of encouragement, letting Thor kiss his shoulder and chest as he kept thrusting inside him. 

“Ooh…yes Thor…”

Natasha had been right. In fact, Loki was increasingly finding that Natasha’s advice on most matters was sound, but in particular regarding marital relations, Natasha had been very correct. 

Sex was definitely anti-climatic. 

After the novelty of the first few times had worn off, Loki had quickly discovered that his and Thor’s love making fell very easily into a routine. Thor seemed to like sex in the morning, Loki usually found himself woken by Thor’s arms tightening around him, kisses on the back of his neck. Loki would roll over, they would kiss properly and touch. Thor’s hands would slide between Loki’s legs, gently stroking until Loki was wet enough and ready, then Loki would lay back and Thor would roll on top of him to slide inside. Thor would always finish first and then would stroke Loki until he came. 

It was never painful and Thor’s touches were always gentle and considerate, but Loki found himself wondering, if this was sex, what all the fuss was about? _This_ was what the Aesir had been so adamant should not happen between Thor and himself before they wed? This was what people spoke of in such hushed tones and what made people stutter, cheeks going red. 

Thor made a pleased noise, turned Loki’s head to kiss his lips. 

Despite sex in general being a disappointment, Loki was pleased in how happy Thor was now. He touched Loki often now, his arm was usually to be found at Loki’s waist or around his shoulders. At night when they watched television with the others Thor would often pull Loki onto his lap, even kissing him if the movie played held no interest (which it often didn’t), much to his team mate’s consternation. 

Then they would retire to bed. Sometimes they would have sex again, but always Thor would hold him, burying his face in Loki’s neck and holding him around the waist. This, Loki could get used to. 

He just wished Thor would hurry up a little sometimes!

Especially this morning. Loki had agreed to meet Natasha for coffee at 10, she was taking him to the Starbucks again, Loki was very fond of their crushed ice drinks (they had something similar on Jotunheim) and he rather felt he and Thor had overslept. 

If only he could see a clock, just to check the time and see how much he had, if he would have enough time to shower and arrange his hair before heading down. Thor kept thrusting, moaned Loki’s name and buried his face in the juncture of Loki’s neck, rubbing his face in black hair. 

Loki turned his head, his eyes rested on Thor’s Stark phone on the bedside table. That device had a timepiece on the front of it. Loki stretched out his arm, argh, it was just out of reach. If..if he just stretched out a little…

There! Loki had the phone, holding it in one hand he tapped at it with his thumb to make its face light up and show him the time. 

“Loki…what are you doing?”

Oh dear. Loki smiled uneasily up at Thor, “Uh…nothing dearest.”

“Are you playing with my phone while we…make love?”

Loki shifted uncomfortably, Thor looked hurt, “Not playing, I merely wished to check the time…”

Thor rolled off Loki, pulling out of him and sitting up in bed, “While we make love? Is it really such a chore for you?”

“No…Thor…” Loki sat up, “It isn’t a chore…”

“And yet you count the minutes until I am done!”

Loki folded his arms over his chest, he wasn’t in the wrong here, checking the time wasn’t illegal. “Well maybe if you finished a little faster, I wouldn’t be forced to.”

Thor’s head snapped around, “I thought you enjoyed it!”

Ugh, Thor and his childish notions. He was always so immature!

“It is not for me to enjoy husband,” Loki snapped, guilt itching hot at him already, “This is my duty to you!”

Loki knew that his words had hit Thor harder than he had intended them to the moment they left his mouth. Thor’s mouth opened slightly, he blinked. He looked…more than hurt…devastated was a better word. He threw back the covers, standing to pull on a pair of sweatpants. Loki moved over to the space he had vacated.

“Wait…Thor…I didn’t…”

“If you do not wish my company, I will not force myself upon you, wife. Good day.”

Thor slammed the door behind him. Loki sat for a moment, staring at the closed door and then down at Thor’s phone still clutched in his hand. With a snarl he threw it at the closed door, watching with some satisfaction as it smashed into pieces against it and fell to the floor. 

~*~*~

“’It is my duty to you’…wow, just…wow,” Natasha took a long sip of her coffee, shaking her head, “you know, you should really write a book, ‘How to Ruin All of Natasha’s Good Work in 10 Syllables or Less.’”

“I am willing to concede that perhaps our exchange could have gone better,” Loki sniffed, playing with the lid of his mocha caramel frappuchino. 

“Oh you think?” Natasha rolled her eyes. That was the understatement of the day. “We really need to work on your dirty talk.”

Loki shook his hair and gave one of his haughty looks, “This is not my fault. He is the one behaving like a child, as he always does!”

“This _is_ your fault Loki! Jesus, you only made him feel like a…a stud horse sent out to service you. You really hurt his feelings from the sound of things.”

“I was merely checking the time, I was bored! What would you have me do during…marital time?”

“Not look at your watch, for one thing,” Natasha slapped her hand down on the table in frustration, drawing looks from some of the other Starbucks patrons. She smiled at a pair of suits staring at their table and gave a forced laugh, taking a sip of her coffee. “What exactly are you doing during ‘marital time,'” (she added air quotes for emphasis) “that’s so boring?”

Loki shifted in his seat, picking again at his drink lid, “I know not. We do the normal things…”

“Like?”

“We…kiss for a while and then he…” Loki made an odd fluttering gesture with his hand, “he…puts it in.”

Natasha blinked. He couldn’t be serious. They couldn’t be that poorly educated on the subject. It beggared belief. 

“What about foreplay?”

Loki cocked an eyebrow, “Fore… _play_?”

“You know…” she leant closer over the table, “the stuff you do before sex.”

Loki looked back at her blankly, “Kissing?”

With one smooth movement Natasha pulled her Stage 1 Emergency Vodka out of her left jean pocket, unstoppering the small flask and pouring herself a generous shot into her coffee. She was not paid enough to do this. 

“You want me to Russian up your frappuchino there?”

Loki shook his head. Natasha ran a hand through her hair. Right, she was going to have to explain the details of foreplay to a thousand year old Norse god. Merciful Christ, where do you even start on something like that? She wasn’t a high school health class teacher. And on that note, should she have both of them there and explain it to Thor at the same time? Would Thor prefer to talk to a man? Should she get Tony?

No, fuck, definitely not. Worst idea ever, Romanov. 

Loki was still looking at her, somewhat expectantly, “Well…what is this foreplay of which you speak?”

A middle aged woman walking past the table looked at them oddly, almost dropping her iPhone as she fumbled it out of her handbag. Natasha took a pull straight from her flask. 

“If this is a difficult question, I apologise. I…I know the current situation is not ideal, if it can be improved…” he drifted off, giving a shrug and looking out the window.

“No…no it’s fine…just, give me a second to think here,” Natasha drummed her fingers on the table, followed Loki’s eyes across the street. 

Huh, she didn’t remember that book store being there. Must be new.

Natasha blinked, sitting up straight. That…now, that could work…if that store had a copy, of course. Well, they should, it was a classic…

“You,” Natasha stood and poked a finger into Loki’s chest, “wait here. I’m going to that book store. Don’t touch anything, don’t talk to anyone, don’t go anywhere. Just sit and drink your frappuchino, I’ll be right back. 

Loki took a long slurp of his drink as he watched Natasha run across the road, dodging traffic and slipping inside the book store. He only had to wait a few minutes until he saw the familiar flash of red hair as Natasha made her way back. 

Natasha had a book in a brown paper bag tucked under her arm, she slapped it down on the table in front of Loki and indicated for him to open it. 

“The Joy of Sex…” he read the cover aloud, the words bright red on a plain white background, “You have bought me pornography?”

“It’s more of an…instruction manual,” Natasha offered, “It has pictures and everything. Now, finish your drink, you’re going back to the Tower and one, you’re going to apologise to Thor…”

Loki opened his mouth as if to object but shut it, Natasha silencing him with a look. 

“And two, you’re going to read that book, every chapter. Well, you can probably skip the one on swinging, that’s a bit old school…”

Natasha was really very pleased with herself. It was a brilliant idea; the Joy of Sex was…conservative, almost quaint by modern standards, but for a pair of repressed Norse gods/aliens/whatevers it was perfect.

Loki flicked through the pages, his eyes registering mild shock at something he saw before he slammed the book closed, “Yes…yes, it would be best if I looked though this in the privacy of the Tower.”

“Yeah…”Natasha finished her coffee, then rested her chin on her hand, “Didn’t you…I mean, wasn’t there someone who tried to explain this stuff to you before you got married? Your mother or…”

Loki raised one eyebrow, smirking, “I went into my marriage knowing what was expected of a wife, if that is what you are asking. The Queen, Thor’s mother, and my nursemaid were…perhaps a little scant on the details however…”

“Kind of a ‘lay back and think of Asgard’ thing, huh?”

“Ahh, you have that here as well.”

~*~*~

Another beautiful day was dawning on the 21st century and Steve greeted it as he usually did. He got up and immediately made his bed (perfect military corners, of course), splashed some water on his face and headed for the Tower balcony to water his plants. The basil and parsley were doing well and even the tomato had perked up a little. 

Then it was off to the gym for a little ‘start of the day sparring’ with Thor. Steve wasn’t sure when their morning workouts became such an integral part of his and Thor’s days, probably not long after they moved in to the Tower, but he couldn’t imagine his mornings without them anymore. It was so refreshing to spar with someone he didn’t have to worry about hurting, who tired him out for a change. Perhaps Tony was right, maybe he and Thor were…what had Tony called them the other day…BFF’s? That was the term right?

Argh, Tony. Steve immediately tried to push all Tony thoughts out of his mind, it was just too frustrating for this early in the morning. He just kept getting so many mixed signals, he could usually feel Tony’s eyes burning into his back almost anytime they were in the same room, he knew there was something there, but then Tony would do something like ask him to lunch but then say it was to discuss SHIELD matters, indicating there wasn’t, or if there was maybe Steve had just imagined it.

He was probably missing something. Steve rolled his eyes, the story of his life. He should probably just carve that over the top of the door to his apartment in the Tower:

_Steve Rogers: He’s Probably Missing Something._

Steve saw Thor the moment he entered the gym (he was usually pretty hard to miss anyway) but instead of warming up on the treadmill or loading up one of the weight bars, Thor was flopped against one of the punching bags, clinging to the top of the bag and swinging back and forth, his face pressed into the red vinyl. 

Steve’s beautiful 21st Century day was already starting to look grim.

“Good morning…I think…” Steve prodded Thor with his index finger and, getting no response, gave the punching bag a heavy push, trying to get Thor’s attention. 

Thor heaved a sigh, turning his head to face Steve, “The morn does not find me well Steven. Loki and I have had words…”

“Oh…well…lots of couples fight. Remember what I said about communication, that’s the important thing. Lots of communication…with him preferably…not with me. Now, you want to start with a run or I could spot you or…”

“Steven, have you taken many lovers?”

Steve blinked. Yep, definitely taking a turn for the worse. 

Thor was looking at him expectantly, Steve sighed. A little voice in his head (an annoying little voice Steve sometimes referred to as Tony) was saying something about the blind asking the incredibly short sighted for directions. Which, if he thought about it, wasn’t quite right, as of recently Thor was more the incredibly short sighted guy, he was the blind one. 

“Thor, I’m really not the person to talk to about this, anything to do with personal stuff really…I could get Tony or…Bruce maybe.”

“But,” Thor let go of the punching bag, “You are my shield brother here, Steven. Bruce and Tony are fine friends but I do not wish to speak to them on such an…intimate matter.”

Steve saw the hurt on Thor’s face and groaned, covering his face with his hands. He heard Thor sigh.

“I have offended you, Steven. I am sorry, I had misjudged our friendship…”

“Argh…no, Thor. Wait a second…” Thor had picked up his towel and was walking away, Steve grabbed his arm, “Thor…the reason I can’t give you any advice on…personal matters is because…I don’t have any advice to give.”

“I do not understand…”

“I don’t…ugh,” Jesus Christ, why him? “I’m a…virgin Thor.”

Thor’s eyes went wide, “You are untouched?”

“You don’t have to rub it in.”

“No… no, I am sorry,” Thor sat down on one of the weight benches, “I am just a little surprised. You are a very attractive man, Steven.”

“Yeah, well, I didn’t always look like this,” Steve joined Thor on the bench, running a hand through his hair. 

Thor was silent a moment before giving a short huff, “We have a joke, more a story, on Asgard, Loki tells it well, about a sheep instructing a goat in the best way to use a spinning wheel, it is amusing because neither animal knows how to use it. It…seems relevant here.”

Steve snorted a laugh, “Yeah, we have something similar.”

They both sat in silence for a time, contemplating their own inadequacies. Steve shifted where he sat. 

“So…what’s the problem then?”

“But you just said…”

“Hey, I might not have any advice to give, but at least I can listen. What are shield brothers for, right?”

Thor put his arm over Steve’s shoulder then and squeezed, smiling at him, “Aye. You are a good friend.” He paused for a moment before going on, “Loki does not enjoy our love making. I fear…no, I know, I am not very good at sex.”

“Aw, it can’t be that bad…”

“I caught Loki playing with my phone while I was making love to him, Steven!” Thor buried his face in his hands, “It is that bad. He sees sex as a duty he must perform for me and I fear he sees our whole marriage as in the same light.”

“Yeah…yeah that is pretty bad actually…” Steve patted Thor’s shoulder, the perfect gesture, manly and comforting, “Listen, the only way you’re going to find out how Loki feels about you and your marriage is talking to him about it. Didn’t you say you were going to talk to him the other day?”

“Indeed,” Thor shifted in his seat, “and I did try to Steven, I made a strong effort….”

“And what happened?”

“We had sex instead.”

Steve’s hand hit his face almost of his own volition. Of course. Of course that’s what they did. 

“Do not look at me like that, friend! What would you have done had you found the object of your desire laid out naked on your bed, begging for your touch?”

An image of Tony in exactly that position forced itself into Steve’s mind. 

Steve’s felt his face flush, “D-do you want to know how Loki feels or not?”

“Aye…I do.”

“Then you know what you have to do, don’t you?”

Thor did know what he had to do but that didn’t mean he couldn’t delay it, if only for a little while. Loki was probably still out with Natasha anyway, enjoying his iced coffee beverages. He skipped working out with Steve though, instead finding a disused computer and asking Google (truly a being as wise even as the Head of Mimir!) ‘how to be good at sex?’ and ‘how to please your wife?’

The answers given were more confusing than anything…

Thor entered his rooms his mind distracted. He stopped in his tracks when he saw Loki, curled up in the corner of the couch, reading from a book resting on his knees. 

Seeing Loki brought Thor’s anger back, he folded his arms over his chest, “Hello wife. I hope I am not interrupting.”

Loki sighed, he closed the book Natasha had bought for him and tucked it beside him in the couch. “No Thor, you’re not interrupting. Come…come and sit beside me.”

Thor grunted but did as Loki asked, sitting his bulk awkwardly on the edge of the couch, some distance from his wife. Loki gave a small smile and stretched out his legs, resting his feet against Thor’s thigh. Thor looked sideways at him but didn’t move away. 

It was a game they used to play in their early teen years, Loki draping himself over a couch Thor was already seated on, gradually stretching himself out until Thor, shy around Loki at that age, was forced into a smaller and smaller space, eventually falling off the couch…

Actually, thinking back, it was more a game Loki used to play…

Loki breathed out heavily through his nose, “Thor…this morning…I am sorry. What I did, what I said…it was cruel of me.” He paused for a moment, “And I am also sorry for breaking your phone.”

Thor didn’t say anything, his bottom lip was sticking out past his top rather spectacularly. Loki shifted position, kneeling on the couch and resting his chin on Thor’s broad shoulder. 

“Please don’t be angry with me,” Loki’s voice had just a touch of a whine to it, “I cannot bear it when you are…”

Thor grunted, his back still tense. He leant back against the couch, his arm coming to rest on the top of it, creating a space for Loki to curl himself against him. 

“You should have told me you…did not enjoy it.”

“And say what? ‘Husband, your lovemaking is a little uninspired,’” Loki snorted, “Yes, I can imagine you taking that well.”

“It would have been preferable to finding you…to what happened this morning,”

Thor shifted uncomfortably, he closed his eyes before he spoke, dreading Loki’s answer but knowing he had to ask, “Loki…if you do not wish to continue with this marriage, if you truly are not happy with me, then I will not hold you here against your will.”

Loki sat up instantly, pushing his hair off his shoulder, “Thor, what are you talking about?”

“I am speaking of…your freedom. If you do not love me, I will speak to Father and we can commence a divorce. I am sure something else can be arranged for the treaty to continue, it is not the first time nor will it be the last such a marriage has not worked. You can return to Jotunheim, to your family, and find someone among your own people to be with…”

“Thor, stop this!” Loki held Thor’s face between his hands, his throat suddenly felt dry and heavy, “Do not speak like this. Is this what you want?”

“I am asking if it is what you want, Loki…” Thor still would not meet his eyes. 

“How can you even think of such a thing!? I have been at your side over a thousand years, since I was five years old! I can no more imagine a life without you, of being with anyone but you, than I can imagine life without my right arm,” There was a desperation in Loki’s voice, he gripped Thor’s face harder between his hands, forcing him to meet his eyes. 

“T-thor, please, look at me. I know I have not been the best wife, not even a good wife, and that things are far from perfect between us, but never doubt my love for you.”

Thor’s arms circled Loki’s waist, pulling him onto his lap, “You…you are not just bound to me out of duty?”

Loki pressed his lips to Thor’s, kissing him gently, “I bind myself to you out of love, Thor Odinson.”

Thor heaved a great sigh, finally relaxing back into the couch, “And I to you, Loki.”

They sat like that for some time, Loki sitting half on Thor’s lap, playing with loose strand’s of his husband’s hair, braiding a small section behind his ear. 

Thor looked down at his wife and gave a shy smile, resting his hand heavily on Loki’s belly, “You know, I have completed some study of the intimate arts today, with help from the Google, and apparently skill in these areas is a matter of practice.”

A familiar wicked smile spread across Loki’s face, “Ahh, we have been similarly occupied my love…”

Loki sat up and pulled the book he had been reading from where he had tucked it between the cushion and the arm rest of the couch, “See the volume Lady Natasha bought for me today. It is an instruction manual for such things…” He flicked open the pages to an image of a man, naked, his head nestled between a woman’s thighs. Loki giggled, titillated, “Look, husband, there are even pictures!”

Thor’s face instantly felt hot. That image, so wicked and debauched, so…forbidden, a desire Thor had hidden so deep inside himself he could barely voice it.

“Loki…such an act…it is…” Thor swallowed, “Father always said that such things were improper between a husband and wife…”

“Your Father…” Loki scoffed, rolling his eyes, “I recall your father also said bilgesnipes would sneak into your room at night and eat your hands if you masturbated and I _know_ you have found that not to be true if the amount of time you spend in the shower every morning is any indication.”

Thor could feel the heat in his face reaching up to his ears, “Not every morning…”

“Whatever you say darling, you are just fastidiously clean.”

Thor grunted, Loki settling himself back against Thor’s chest and flipping through the pages of the book. After a few moments Thor’s hand came up, turning back the pages until it was back on the first image Loki had shown him. 

“Do you…do you want to?” Thor didn’t look at Loki as he asked, keeping his eyes fixed on the book and the picture of the man with his face buried between the woman’s thighs. 

“I…I would not be opposed to trying.”

“Now?”

“Never any time like the present…”

Loki stood, letting the book drop on the couch, taking Thor’s hand and leading him to the bed. Thor licked his lips, watching greedily as Loki pulled off his long tunic and the loose pants he had bought during his outing with Lady Pepper. He quickly pulled off his own clothes, throwing them into a corner and sitting beside Loki on the bed. 

His hand slipped around Loki’s waist, pressing quick chaste kisses to his lips. He felt Loki’s palms pressing on his shoulders, encouraging him down, impatient. 

Thor slid off the bed, kneeling on the floor and gently pulling Loki’s hips to the edge of the mattress. Loki placed his feet on Thor’s shoulders, leaning back on his elbows and looking down at Thor whose eyes were firmly fixed on the juncture of his thighs. 

Loki slid a finger over his slit, closed his eyes, “Do you know what they call this here…on Midgard?”

“No.”

“Pussy,” Loki started to gently rub his clit, “I think it’s the best word I’ve heard for it.”

Thor swallowed, thinking of the various names he’d heard for a woman’s sex; cunt, quim, slit, various flower names, many others much more vulgar. ‘Pussy’ seemed as good a word as any. 

“I like it…ah…because it’s another name for a cat here as well.”

“Really…”

“Mmm, it is quite fitting. Both are soft…”

Thor licked his lips, gently pushing Loki’s hand away as he leant in. 

“Ahh! B-both like a gentle touch…”

Thor’s tongue slid along the length of Loki’s slit, taking a first taste. It was good, so good, heady and sour sweet. Thor’s cock twitched where it rested against his stomach. He gripped Loki by the hips, drawing him closer to his face. 

The petals of Loki’s sex parted for his tongue, Thor dipping between them to taste more, then seeking out the little nub which Loki had been playing with. 

Loki’s mouth opened, inhaling sharply as Thor’s tongue started to flick, tentatively at first, then with more confidence, against his clit. His fingers knotted in Thor’s hair, holding him in place. 

Loki’s hips jerked against Thor’s mouth and Thor increased his pace, hearing a moan in response. In their previous couplings Loki had never reacted like this and it went straight to somewhere dark inside him. The thought that his wife was reacting in this way, to such a debauched act as this, was almost enough to make him lose all control but he calmed himself. He wanted to see Loki climax first this time. 

“Aah…oh Gods Thor…don’t…don’t stop.”

Thor shifted his position slightly and slipped a finger inside Loki, gently thrusting. Loki propped himself back up onto one elbow, Thor’s eyes meeting his from the juncture of his thighs. He started rocking his hips to match Thor’s rhythm, grinding his clit even further against Thor’s tongue. 

Deep inside Loki’s belly something was building, something new. When his hands had wandered into his nightclothes, on those nights he was certain Thor was sleeping deeply after an evening spent at the taverns, he had played with both his cock and his clit but had found his cock had always taken him to a quick and satisfying release. This though…this was…ooh yes, this was very good. It was…deeper inside him, more intense, different and hard to explain. All Loki knew was that he wanted Thor to keep going and never stop. 

Thor’s jaw was getting sore but he didn’t slow. Loki’s thighs were twitching on either side of his head, his hips were thrusting up against his mouth. His refined and lovely wife was all of a sudden a moaning, wanton creature, head thrashing on the bed, calling his name, begging for him. He redoubled his efforts, flicking his tongue faster, adding a second finger. 

Loki inhaled, his back arched, he moaned out long and loud, grabbing Thor’s head and digging his nails into his husband’s scalp. Thor felt Loki’s passage clamp around his fingers and a new wave of wetness hit his tongue. He felt Loki twitch in front of him, saw him give a high whimper and then relax onto the bed, his thighs going limp on either side of Thor’s head. 

Thor sat back, running a hand down Loki’s flank, smiling up at him. Loki panted for moment, his back arching and his hips twitching in one final shock. Thor blinked as a shot of wetness from Loki’s cunt hit him straight in the face. 

He licked what he could reach with his tongue away, “I did not know you could do that.”

“Hmm?” Loki pushed himself back up onto his elbows, a dreamy smile on his face, “Oh…” He chuckled, seeing the wetness marking Thor’s beard, “Neither did I, husband.”

He sat up fully, putting a hand under Thor’s chin to tilt his head up and kiss him deeply, then taking his husband’s hand and encouraging him to lie beside him on the bed. Loki laid himself flush by Thor’s side, fingers teasing over the head of Thor’s cock. 

“That was…very good my love, I would return you the favour…”

“You…you do not have to…”

Despite what he had seen in the book and on the internet, Thor still felt shame at the thought of Loki having to debase himself in such a way, performing such an act upon him. There was a division on Asgard; the love shared with a wife was pure, it was not to be sullied with perversions. There were taverns and brothels for that, even courtesans in the Court itself, who would do anything you wished for the right price…

Loki would have none of it, he was already moving down the bed, “Come now Thor, what kind of wife would I be if I did not…”

He gripped Thor gently about the base, giving the head a few experimental passes with his tongue. 

“Aah! Loki…” Thor was weakening, very rapidly, “Shouldn’t…ah…if we are to have a child, shouldn’t I…shouldn’t I…”

“Come…dearest?” Loki’s voice was a tease and a promise.

“Y-yes…shouldn’t I…inside you?”

“Mmm…” Loki enveloped the head with his lips, bobbing once, twice before pulling off, “I think you have a little obsession my love…getting me with child…”

Thor groaned, eyes falling closed and hands fisting in the sheets.

“Is that your wish, dear husband? Seeing me heavy and swollen with your child, walking proof of your potency?”

Loki’s tongue snaked around Thor’s cock, slipping under the foreskin and pushing it back before he spoke again. 

“Worry not Thor, we have plenty of time…all the time in the world.”


	12. Family Planning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Thor abuses smileys, ideological lines are drawn in the sand, Bruce takes a stand and Loki gets news from home.

_DarcynotD’arcy has signed in_

_ThorOdinsonofAsga: Good morning Lady Darcy :)_

_DarcynotD’arcy: hi thor. how are you?_

_ThorOdinsonofAsga: I am most well, thank you! How goes your studies? :)_

_DarcynotD’arcy: ugh, major suckage, but what else is new. 3 weeks til exams are over, thank fuuuuck._

_ThorOdinsonofAsga: I hope you conquer your studies and emerge victorious! I am sure you will, you are most clever. Like Lady Jane! :)_

_DarcynotD’arcy: LOL, don’t know about that. btw, I have a bone 2 pick w you. Jane is srsly pissed at u after that party, shes making my life hell. how could you not tell her you were married?_

_ThorOdinsonofAsga: :( Marriage simply did not come up in conversation, we spoke of many other things. It was not my intention to keep anything from Lady Jane._

_DarcynotD’arcy: it wasn’t just that u didn’t tell her, Thor. she thought u guys were srsly dating!_

_ThorOdinsonofAsga: I do not understand…_

_DarcynotD’arcy: u know, dating, doing stuff together but as a couple. Like u guys went to that art show, and the movies, and to dinner all those times…she thought you were getting serious_

_ThorOdinsonofAsga: Lady Jane thought I was courting her? :O_

_DarcynotD’arcy: yeah, I guess._

_ThorOdinsonofAsga: But I thought that is what friends do together, enjoy each other’s company, feast together. And you say this behaviour was seen by her as presenting a suit?_

_DarcynotD’arcy: well that hand kissing thing u do didn’t help dude, just putting that out there._

_ThorOdinsonofAsga: :( I understand now her unfriending of me. I am very sorry I mislead her in this way._

_DarcynotD’arcy: ouch, she unfriended you?_

_ThorOdinsonofAsga: Indeed she did._

_DarcynotD’arcy: that sucks man._

_DarcynotD’arcy: so, if u don’t mind me asking, what is courting like on asgard?_

_ThorOdinsonofAsga: Well, if I intended to court another, I would first approach my intended’s parents and seek their permission. Then I would seek to win my intended’s favour by winning many battles in their name, perhaps I would slay them a mighty beast and bring them the head as trophy, I would also have to write them poetry to show my wit. The usual things…_

_DarcynotD’arcy: o yeah, the usual things. did you do that stuff for ur wifey?_

_ThorOdinsonofAsga: We were already betrothed since childhood so I did not have to, but I did venture to Nidavellir and slay him a very large dragon for his 16th birthday. It took me a week just to subdue the beast. It was a mighty foe indeed! :)_

_DarcynotD’arcy: oh, that’s cool._

_ThorOdinsonofAsga: More hot than cool. I lost most of my hair to its breath._

_DarcynotD’arcy: i never know if you’re joking or not…_

_ThorOdinsonofAsga: Steven often says the same thing to me._

_ThorOdinsonofAsga: Apologies Lady Darcy, I must cut our conversation short, I have business to attend to here. As I doubt Lady Jane will want to speak to me, would you please convey my apologies to her and tell her it was not my intention to toy with her affections. I hope someday she can forgive me._

_DarcynotD’arcy: i will if i see her._

_ThorOdinsonofAsga: Thank you Lady Darcy. Fare Well. :)_

_DarcynotD’arcy: byeee_

_ThorOdinsonofAsga has signed off_

Thor closed the conversation window and sat back in his chair, rubbing a hand over his chin. So, if what Darcy said was true, on Midgard a relationship could commence simply with the decision to do things like eat and visit places together. While that did explain why Lady Jane had cut off all communication with Thor after the party he couldn’t help but think that this was a terribly confusing state of affairs. The potential for misunderstandings with such a casual system of courtship was immense!

He would have to be more careful in future and make sure he did not create anymore misunderstandings with other mortals. Thor cataloged his dealings with his other human friends, trying to think if any of them could have also mistaken his friendship for an attempt at courting. 

He had eaten with the other Avengers many times and they had had many outings, sometimes with the group, sometimes with just one person or maybe two. He didn’t think any of the others would mistake this for ‘dating.’ Clint and Natasha were in a relationship anyway, not to mention Steve and Tony clearly only had eyes for each other, even if they danced coyly about each other like love struck youths. Dr Banner had chosen a solitary life, due in part to his condition, though Thor had heard Tony mention that Bruce was in regular correspondence with a young lady named Betty. 

It was unlikely then that any of the others were mislead of his intentions towards them. That was a relief. 

Though…had not Agent Coulson given him a sushi roll one day on the Helicarrier when he had missed lunch and was hungry? And hadn’t the same Agent Coulson offered to take him to the Viking History exhibit at one of the New York museums?

Thor frowned. He would have to speak frankly with Agent Coulson and advise him that he had no intentions beyond friendship towards him, before things went any further and he lost another friend. It would be hard if Phil was upset, but better that he be upset now rather than continue in foolish hope. 

There was a click as Loki closed the bathroom door behind him, coming over to Thor and sliding cool fingers along his jaw line. 

“What are you doing on that machine, husband?”

“A few things, checking my email, speaking with my friend Lady Darcy…”

Loki was naked, his skin cool and slightly damp from the shower. He slid onto Thor’s lap, hooking and arm around the other’s neck. 

“A remarkable device,” Loki kissed Thor, once, then twice, before rubbing his cheek against Thor’s, enjoying the feel of Thor’s beard rubbing against his skin, “My new wardrobe arrives today, I will finally have some _real_ clothes again.”

“Your Midgardian clothing is not that horrible is it, my love?”

“Well…it is less objectionable than I had first thought, but not to my tastes,” Loki wiggled on Thor’s lap, Thor’s fingers tapping out a rhythm up and down his thigh, “I think you will like my new clothing better as well.”

“Oh really?”

“Mmm, I designed it with you in mind.”

“Then I look forward to seeing you wear every piece.”

Thor lent up to kiss Loki again, but found his wife already slipping off his lap, landing a playful slap on the back of Thor’s hand as it chased after him. Loki gave one of his impish laughs, already pulling clothes from his shelves in the en suite and throwing them on. His hair plaited itself as he dressed. He didn’t mind wearing it out but it was so heavy when it hung loose. 

“Come Thor, it will be here any minute!”

Loki practically dragged Thor through the Tower and out onto the balcony to wait for the opening of the Bifrost. He was feeling almost impossibly light, he didn’t mind when Thor pulled him around, pressing his back against the railing and kissing him, even though Tony and Steve were sitting in lounge trying to avoid watching them. 

“Ugh…” Tony made a distinctly displeased noise, wondering if 10 in the morning was too early to start drinking (who was he kidding? Of course it wasn’t!), “Asgard-Frost Giant war or not, things were definitely better around here before those two started getting all handsy.”

Steve snorted a laugh, “Aww, it’s not so bad. They’re sort of cute together, and they both seem happy…”

“I’m just saying I shouldn’t have to see that much of Thor’s tongue this early in the morning, I don’t think that’s unreasonable.”

“Yeah,” Steve shifted in his seat, giving up on the sketch he was working on and looking away from the balcony where Thor’s hands had started…wandering, “Dammit, they scared the birds away.”

Tony slipped over the back of the couch, plopping himself down next to Steve (oh so casual like). He looked out at Thor and Loki on the balcony and cocked his head, considering. 

“You reckon Rapunzel out there’s gained some weight?”

“I don’t know. Which one of them is Rapunzel?”

Tony gave Steve a good natured shove to the shoulder, “Loki, Rogers! Loki is Rapunzel. Like the future of the Earth would depend on Thor’s waistline…”

“Oh yes, that would be completely ridiculous,” Steve rolled his eyes but forced himself to examine Loki critically, “I honestly can’t tell…maybe? It’s hard with the clothes he wears…”

“That’s what Thor said! Ha!” Tony put up his hand for a high five. 

Steve shook his head but almost laughed, “That was terrible.”

“If by terrible you mean brilliant…”

“Excuse me sir,” JARVIS spoke over them, “Director Fury has entered the Tower and is currently en route to your location.”

Tony put his head back and groaned, “Why do I even have security systems anymore? Tell me JARVIS, why do I?”

“I wouldn’t hazard a guess, sir.”

Fury arrived in all of his eye patched and leather trench coat wearing glory, flanked by Clint and Natasha as they exited the lift in tandem. The badass super secret spy entrance was ruined however, by Bruce bringing up the rear in his favorite purple Crocs, ancient sweatpants, Star Trek t-shirt ensemble.

“Does private property count for nothing these days?” Tony pointed at Natasha, “I blame you for this Red, don’t think I don’t know about that little portrait of Lenin you’ve got hanging in your room.”

Natasha narrowed her eyes, “You leave him out of this.”

“I’m just saying, things are getting awfully… _communal_ …around here.”

“Cool it you two,” Fury made himself at home on one of the other couches, “this is practically a social call.”

“Do most of your social calls involve goose stepping people into the living room?” Bruce asked from the fridge, helping himself to a brownie. 

“We just want to keep you advised of all the latest developments in regards to the Operation, Dr Banner,” Fury smiled, more like a baring of teeth, “We think you’ll have some input for phase 2.”

Steve cleared his throat, “Sir, should we…take this somewhere else?”

He jerked his head towards the balcony where Thor and Loki were still keeping themselves occupied waiting for the Bifrost to open.

“Somehow, I don’t think they’re interested in us right now. This won’t take long anyway,” Fury said, casting his one eye over the two gods, “Loki needs to be pregnant sooner rather than later. We’re looking at speeding up the time frame here. ”

Tony rolled his eyes, “Jesus, what more do you want from them? They’ve only been having sex for what…a month? And they seem to be pretty physical at the moment, if you haven’t noticed. Can’t we just let nature take its freaky yet beautiful course?”

“This comes from higher up than me Stark. And I’m surprised at you, the natural course isn’t really your style. Besides, I’m more interested in what Dr Banner has to say…”

Bruce took another bite of his brownie, “Me? I try to avoid having anything to say whenever possible.”

“You’re a doctor. You have to know a little something about getting people pregnant…”

“Ohhh, this is what this is. I get it now. What’s the plan Fury, you want me to start slipping Clomid into Loki’s cereal every morning?”

“If that’s what it takes.”

“Ugh,” Tony grimaced, he felt Steve shift uncomfortably next to him, “Have to congratulate you on reaching a whole new level of creepy there, buddy.”

“Well, sorry to disappoint you, but I’m pretty certain my medical licence has expired for one thing…“

“But look what came in the mail today!” Clint said, faux surprise on his face as he picked a manilla envelope off the coffee table and ripped it open to reveal an official looking certificate, “It’s your renewed and unrestricted licence to practice medicine in New York! Wow!”

Bruce rolled his eyes, “I suppose it doesn’t matter that I haven’t done any obstetrics or gynecology since medical school?”

“Probably not since we apparently now subscribe to the ‘Journal of Modern Obstetrics’ and the ‘North American Gynecological Quarterly Review,’” Tony picked up the volumes in question which had been hiding underneath Bruce’s miraculous medical licence. 

“You could have saved SHIELD’s money,” Bruce sighed, Tony could see he was uncomfortable, “Are you forgetting they’re aliens? Actual aliens! I mean, we’ve done enough study of Thor to know he’s reasonably similar to us but Loki’s an entirely different species to him, not to mention apparently intersexed. Where would you even start? We don’t know how his reproductive system works, if it works on the same hormones ours does, if he ovulates, how often that occurs…I mean, he could lay eggs or have a pouch for all we know!”

“Oh man, eggs would be so cool! We could build them a little nest!” Barton’s eyes lit up at the prospect.

“And you’re definitely forgetting the most important thing, which is whether Loki actually wants to be pregnant! Have you even thought about that?” Bruce looked pointedly at Fury, “Do you think he or Thor are just going to roll over and let us poke and prod at them?”

Fury stared back at the doctor coolly, when he spoke his voice was carefully measured, “I’m not asking you to strap Loki down to a table and inseminate him, Doctor. If anything, we’d just like to know a little more about him. Consider it…research. And if Loki happens to show interest in increasing his chances of conception…well, I’m sure you’ll know what to do.”

“And he’s going to agree to being a test subject, is he? Just like that?”

“Loki knows how important it is that he has a baby," Natasha said, "Waiting around for Thor to make his move hasn't been easy on him back on Asgard. I’m pretty sure I can get him interested in seeing you about it."

“I’m glad you’re so comfortable with this,” Bruce shook his head. 

He took a deep breath, turning away from the rest of the people in the room. The Other Guy shifted, settling back onto his haunches, not ready to make the jump yet but sensing Bruce's discomfort. More deep breaths, trying to get his heart rate under control. 

Then Tony was beside him, casually opening the fridge and picking up the milk to drink straight from the bottle. He kept his back turned to Fury and the others, asking Bruce quietly if he was alright. 

“Yeah…yeah, I’m ok. Just give me a minute…”

Tony whispered out of the corner of his mouth, “One word and they’re out, I’ll get JARVIS to release the hounds.”

Bruce chuckled, “You don’t have any hounds.”

“Yes I do! They’re big, nasty, their mouths are full of bees so when they bark they shoot bees at you.”

“I didn’t think we’d gotten to the Simpsons joke part of the day yet.”

“Extenuating circumstances,” Tony turned back to Fury, “Well, you’ve got yourself a deal Pirate Pete. One knocked up Jotun coming right up!”

Bruce started, Steve’s head snapping around to stare at Tony as well. He couldn’t be serious, could he? Helping Thor and Loki work out their marital issues was one thing. This was…it felt dirty, manipulating…no, coercing another person to have a child, experimenting on them like an animal. Surely even Tony could see that?

“And if you don’t mind, you’ve been here ten minutes which means you’ve outstayed your welcome by a good nine minutes and thirty seconds…”

Fury stood to leave, raising one eyebrow, “I’ve got my eye on you Stark. Coulson will be around later, he’s got some things for Thor to sign.”

“Always a pleasure.”

Fury left, Clint following him. Natasha slid down into the couch and sighed. 

“If it’s any consolation, I don’t feel great about this either.”

Bruce was still looking at Tony, trying to read him, “I don’t know what you think I’m going to do…”

“Very little,” Tony shrugged, “Conception really is this mysterious thing, isn’t it? Who can say when a lucky couple will be gifted with the miracle that is the pitter-pattering of tiny feet…”

“Fury’s going to want a little more than a report saying that…”

Tony took another gulp from the milk bottle, ignoring Steve’s grumble about using a glass like a civilized person, “So we do a couple of non-invasive body scans on Loki, chat about his family history, you write up a four thousand word report comprised of 50% gibberish and 50% bullshit, like the practiced academic you are, everyone goes to bed happy.”

“Isn’t that right, Red?” Tony smiled at Natasha. There was a tense moment as she seemed to work through her options in her head, weighing her loyalty to SHIELD against her loyalty to her team. 

In the end she chose the path of least resistance. 

“Don’t know what you’re talking about Stark. I didn’t hear anything.”

“That’s my girl.”

There was an insistent tapping on the glass doors which led out to the balcony. Loki waved at the other Avengers and pointed to the door handle, they must have locked themselves out again. Thor was just behind him, dragging his wife’s newly returned wardrobe towards the door. Steve got up to let them in. 

“Ah, thank you Captain,” Loki slid into the room, he had some folded pieces of yellow parchment in his hand, letters sealed with golden wax, and tapped them against his other hand as he stood to the side and let Thor pass him with the wardrobe. He looked a little more subdued than he had been earlier. 

“What you got there?” Natasha looked at the letters. Steve moved to help Thor with the wardrobe, carrying it towards the lift to the residential floors. 

“Thor and I’s mail. It arrived with my robe,” he started flicking through the letters, “one for each of us from the Queen, one for me from my Lady Sigyn and one from my brother, Hellblindi.”

Loki mouth twisted as he said his brother’s name, as if it left a bad taste in his mouth. 

“Ah yeah…family stuff. You want to get a coffee later? We need to talk.”

“Perhaps later, I will need to read these and respond.”

“Yeah, ok.”

Loki followed Thor and Steve down to their rooms where the two larger men pushed the wardrobe back into its old spot in the room. As soon as it was in place Loki opened the doors, running a hand over his new clothes, all made exactly to his specifications. He opened the draws at the bottom and found new short clothes and sleep wear. Odd, he hadn’t requested those, he had a separate case full of them…

Thor’s arms circled his waist, “Well…are you going to try your new things on for me?”

“Soon, I would read my letters first. You should read yours from your Mother as well,” Loki pressed Thor’s letter into his chest, giving a wry smile as Thor rolled his eyes. No doubt he would much rather be watching Loki undress. 

Loki flopped down on the bed, sliding a finger under the wax seal of the letter from his brother. Best to get this over with…

**My Dearest Brother,**

Here we go. Loki rolled his eyes. Hellblindi couldn’t even fake sincerity in a letter. 

**I almost hesitate to write this letter, knowing your delicate health. I am always thankful that you were able to be cared for and indulged by the more temperate halls of the Aesir…**

Getting a dig in right at the first line, a new record!

**…but I am afraid I must inform you that Father’s health has not only seen no improvement in recent months, but has in fact worsened. Our healers work from dawn until sunset to find a cure for his ailment but none can be found. We seek now only to make sure he is comfortable as the winter of his reign draws to its close.**

**We both know it was Father’s wish that the peace between Asgard and our land continue. Considering that you are the key to this, dear brother, one would think you would take your responsibilities in this matter a little more seriously.**

Aaaand here we go. The guilt. 

**I do not have to remind you how much Father expended on your dowry.**

How could Loki forget? Hellblindi only mentioned it in every. Single. Letter. 

**After 100 years, both sides of this agreement are anxious that the treaty be completed, you know well how our land needs the Casket in order to properly rebuild itself to its former glory. I know I mentioned in my last letter how important it was that you keep better control over your tongue, no Aesir is enraptured by a bed mate who snaps and bites with their words.**

What would Hellblindi know? He’d never been within 50 feet of an Aesir unless he was trying to shove a knife into their throat!

**One begins to wonder though if the problem lies more with the physical. Are you tracking your menstrual cycle as I suggested in my last letter? If you are then it is a simple matter for you to find your most fertile times. It is during this time that I suggest you behave with the grace expected of you towards your husband and allow him to-**

Right! Enough of that! 

Loki screwed up the offending letter and threw it into the corner. It wasn’t as if he didn’t know the rest of the contents. Hellblindi had already covered his favorite topics of conversation: Loki’s physical weakness, the cost of his dower, his failure to produce a child, he had even managed to throw in some embarrassingly frank advice, which wasn’t as common but still made a regular appearance in his oldest brother’s letters. All that was left for him to cover would be the vague threats of annulment and then insinuations about Thor’s potency, or lack thereof. 

Curse Hellblindi! Curse him to the depths of Hel! Loki clenched his fists, pounding them against the bed in frustration. He had been in such a good mood this morning as well. 

Thor looked over from where he was flicking through tv stations, “I warned you not to read that one first, my love.”

“He’s just…insufferable! It’s the same song and dance every time, as if he cannot think of anything bar our marriage and what transpires between us!”

“No doubt he worries about you, so far from home…”

“He has a novel way of showing it!”

Thor sighed and walked over to the bed, laying down next to Loki and putting a comforting hand on his wife’s belly, “Why do you write back if he upsets you so?”

“Because if I do not then he simply writes another letter, and then another and then even more until Heimdall is receiving two or three a day through the Bifrost. Then he starts writing to your Mother and your Father, bewailing my horrible, ungrateful behaviour and then _I_ am the one in the wrong!”

Loki huffed, rolling his eyes as Thor planted a kiss on his forehead. He paused, mouth twisting before going on.

“…they are the only letters I get from home now, you know.”

“Aye, I know my love. Byleistr still does not write?”

“He has been sent to aid in the rebuilding of our outer cities, lines of communication outside of Utgard are still very weak…” Loki curled himself up against Thor, trying to convince himself more than anything. 

“Something will come soon, my love, I know it,” Thor shifted, letting Loki rest his head on his shoulder, “Come, shall I read you Sigyn’s letter? That will cheer you.”

Loki didn’t say no so Thor opened the letter in question. Ugh, the Lady Sigyn’s handwriting was always so tiny, with strange loopy letters which were almost impossible to read. 

“Dearest Loki…” Thor began, “I hope Midgard finds you well and you are not too terribly bored amongst the mortals…I know you probably are though.”

Loki snorted, a small smile appearing on his face.

“The life of the Court continues in its usual way in both your and Thor’s absence. The delegation from Alfheim has arrived. The common opinion of the Light Elves amongst the Nine Realms is that they are a people who love dancing and merriment, I cannot tell you how wrong the common opinion has proven itself to be in this case. I have never met a duller group of Elves in my life, they are obsessed with cabbage tariffs and the opening of trade routes. They speak of nothing else, even at the dinner table.”

“The Harvest Festival went well, though without you and Thor there to officiate, events were a little subdued. You will, of course, be interested to know that Lady Freya wore a most unconventional dress to the festival; it seemed to be made of little more than maple leaves. It caused quite a stir!”

Loki laughed at Thor’s inflection reading the last line, deadly serious as if he was reading the report of a great battle.

“Why do you laugh? You are hearing the most important news in the whole Nine Realms. Can you not take this seriously, wife?”

“You fool,” Loki said affectionately, nestling in closer to Thor and taking the letter from his hands, “Give it here, I will read it later.”

He ran a finger through Thor’s beard, “Did you read the Queen’s letter?”

“Aye. She sends her best and wonders if we are both dressing warmly enough…”

“I am a Frost Giant, I am always dressed far too warmly.”

“…and asks that I ensure you read your letter from her as well.”

“I shall, in a little while. I think I’ve had enough letters for the day.”

Thor kissed him, his lips catching the edge of Loki’s mouth, “Do not let Hellblindi upset you my love.”

Loki sighed, “I know…I know I shouldn’t. At least when I am pregnant he won’t have anything to complain about.”

“I’m sure he’ll find something…”

“True,” Loki rolled Thor onto his back, sliding on top of him to straddle his hips, “Perhaps I can have some good news for him by his next letter…”

Loki ground against Thor’s crotch, rubbing against him wantonly. They kissed again, Thor grabbing Loki’s shoulders to keep him close and let Loki slide his tongue inside his mouth.

Loki was just pushing Thor’s sweatpants down when the knock came on their door. They ignored it at first, hoping the person on the other side of the door would go away. Loki pulled off his tunic, still sitting on top of Thor and looked down at his husband, almost daring him to answer when the knocking came again. 

“Come on you two, I know you’re in there!” Steve’s voice came from the other side of the door. 

“Now is not the best time, Steven,” Thor growled. 

“Coulson’s here to see you, Thor. He says it’s important.”

Thor closed his eyes, sighing. Loki groaned in frustration and flopped onto the bed, Thor pulling up his pants and getting up.

“I will not be long.”

“You had best not be, husband, or I will finish this myself.”

Steve could see Thor wasn’t pleased with him when he opened the door. His eyes flicked momentarily to Loki on the bed, half naked, resting his head on his arm. Loki stared right back at him. 

Steve decided to keep his eyes firmly fixed on Thor. 

“Coulson’s here for you.”

“Aye, I heard you. Let us go then and see the Son of Coul.”

Thor closed the door behind him. Loki sighed, at least he could finish reading his correspondence. He picked up Frigga’s letter from the bedside table where he had left it. 

It was a short note, barely long enough to fill an inch of parchment. 

_Dear Loki, child of my heart,_

_I hope Midgard finds you well and you are enjoying your time there. Thank you for your clear instructions in regards to the new clothing you wished to have prepared, the seamstresses had no trouble following them and I hope they are all to your liking._

_I cannot help but note that your new clothing is of a different style to your usual wear though the moment I saw it I knew it would be very becoming on you. I am certain Thor will agree with me in this._

_I have taken the liberty of adding some more personal items to your wardrobe. I am sure both Thor and yourself will find them of great interest._

_With all my love,_

_Frigga, Allmother._

_PS. I have also included some woolen garments in case of colder weather._

Loki blinked. He sat up and went straight to his wardrobe, opening the bottom draws and looking at the underwear and sleep gowns which had been packed. On closer examination they were certainly… smaller than anything he normally wore. 

He ran his fingertips over the fine silk. Frigga knew, the cunning old witch, she had known all these years and yet had kept silent. Why was he even surprised? She was as talented a scryer as him at least, there was probably only Heimdall who bested them in that area of magic. It would be nothing for her to quickly peer into her son and his wife’s rooms and see the separated beds, see them sleeping apart at night. 

Frigga no doubt had her own reasons for not intervening. She was always saying that there were many things yet that Loki had to learn about being Allmother, the most important of which was patience. 

Loki picked up a black silk nightgown, raising one eyebrow at the ribbons running down its sides. 

Perhaps he would do well to pay more attention to Frigga’s lessons in future…


	13. Bruce Banner OB GYN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Clint tries to be subtle and fails, Tony finds himself in a compromising position, Loki is impatient and Coulson is almost definitely not in love with Thor.

“You know what’s really great?”

“What is that, friend Clint?”

“Babies,” Clint nodded sagely to himself, as if he had come upon some great universal truth which had previously eluded him, “Babies are just…they’re really great.”

Thor looked up from where Agent Coulson was laying out large reams of paperwork in front of him, “I…suppose so. I have to admit I had not thought much on the matter.”

“Really? I mean, what’s not to like about them? The little hands, the tiny outfits, I saw this tiny hat the other day for a baby and it had these little ears…”

“Yes, thank you Agent Barton, for you insight on the matter,” Coulson gave Clint a withering look, who quickly buried his face back into ‘Baby & Me’ magazine, “Now, Thor, what you’re signing today are the forms to expand your SHIELD health insurance to cover your spouse. You just need to sign here, here and,” Phil turned a few pages over, “…here, and initial on the bottom of each page, very good.”

“Now, this set of forms here expands your cover to include both pre and post natal care, here’s a pamphlet on the included benefits which come with the health plan. You’ll note there’s a free pre natal yoga and birth preparation class for couples which SHIELD runs not far from here. I’m sure you and Loki would both enjoy that…”

“But Son of Coul, Loki is not yet with child.”

“We’re just giving you all the information you need so you can be ready when he is…with child. Now, you just need to sign where all the little ‘Sign Here’ stickies are on this one…and yep, initial on the bottom of every page too.”

Phil started picking up the signed documents, opening the briefcase he’d bought with him and putting Thor’s signed forms inside. 

“Those there are your copies for your own reference. Have a read through in your own time. Now, do you have any questions?”

Thor looked up from the glossy pamphlet he had been looking through, he regarded Phil carefully. He certainly wasn’t acting as if he was in love with Thor, and he certainly seemed well aware of Thor’s marriage. 

Still…Thor had thought Jane only wished to be friends as well, he had to be sure. Midgardians were a mysterious and complicated people…

“I do have one question, Son of Coul…”

“I’m all ears.”

“Are you in love with me?”

Phil blinked and opened his mouth, closing it again after a moment. Clint made a noise which wasn’t quite human and put down his magazine. 

“I’m…I’m going to leave this one to you, Agent Coulson,” Clint’s voice was very high as he stood, biting down on his fist as he left the room. 

Phil sighed, massaging his index finger and thumb over his eyes, “I’m sorry, I’m not sure I heard you correctly…”

“I asked if you are in love with me, Son of Coul.”

“Yes, that’s what I thought. Why, and please explain this to me nice and slowly, would you think I was in love with you?”

“I have been speaking to my friend Lady Darcy this morning…”

“Oh God…”

“And she had advised me that courtship on Midgard is a much more casual affair than I had at first imagined. Apparently it is enough simply to spent time with another person for a suit to be established.”

“Uh huh, and this wouldn’t happen to have anything to do with Dr Foster and what happened at Tony’s party would it?”

“Well…” Thor shifted uncomfortably, “Apparently Lady Jane misunderstood my intentions towards her and was understandably most distressed when she discovered I was already wed. Lady Darcy explained ‘dating,’ as you call it here and I thought…since you and I had eaten together and you are not otherwise attached…”

“Are you talking about that time I gave you a left over California roll?”

“Yes! Exactly! And you had also offered to take me to the museum. I thought perhaps your feelings towards me had become more than those of friendship…”

“Ok, Thor, firstly, I’m not in love with you, so don’t worry too much about that. Secondly, there’s a bit of a difference between you and Dr Foster going to see a romantic comedy and then having dinner for two…and me giving you some slightly out of date sushi. Do you sort of see the difference there?”

Thor thought for a second, then shook his head firmly. 

“Well…I’m sure you’ll pick it up.”

Thor nodded, smiling broadly at Coulson. That was certainly a weight off his mind. “Perhaps. I will be more careful in future as well, to prevent any further misunderstandings. How do other mortals do it, friend, let others know they do not wish to be part of the market?”

“I think you mean ‘off the markert.’ And, at least when people are married, here they wear wedding rings to show they’re not available,” Coulson closed his briefcase, clicking the locks closed. At least he couldn’t say he job wasn’t interesting…

“Really?” Thor looked contemplative, “And where would I find a set of wedding rings?”

“I’m sure Tony can help you with that. If you have any questions about your health insurance though, give me a call.”

“Aye, I will friend.”

~*~*~

_Two weeks later…_

Bruce was swimming in a world of boxes. Big boxes, small boxes, Fed Ex boxes, white ones, brown ones, they just kept appearing, Tony and various delivery guys bringing them in one after another like an unending supply chain. 

“I thought we were just going to do some basic body scans on Loki. I’m not opening up a clinic here,” Bruce met Tony’s eyes from between two packages. Tony was standing next to a particularly large brown box, the last one which had been dragged in, and rubbed his hands with glee as he circled it. 

“Hey, we have to let Fury at least _think_ we’re doing something! Besides, I got free expedited shipping and 10% off if I spent over $10,000.00”

Bruce sighed, rolling his eyes. Tony had found some new toys to play with, evidently. 

“I’m willing to admit I may have gotten a little carried away but I think you’re going to very happy with me,” Tony sung out the last part, almost skipping now as he grabbed a box cutter from his nearby workbench and started cutting open the huge parcel. 

The cardboard fell away and Tony started pulling off the Styrofoam and plastic which covered what looked to be a large…what was that? Some sort of chair?

“Ta dah!” Tony threw out his arms, “I got you one of those stirrup chairs!”

Bruce groaned loudly, “No Tony! Absolutely not. Send it back.”

“What? You don’t have to use it with Loki. You just never know when one of these could come in handy,” Tony flipped out the stirrups from where they were tucked under the chair and hopped up onto the seat. With a little manoeuvring he managed to get his legs up into the stirrups and stared across the room at Bruce, crotch first, “See, isn’t this great?”

“I hope you know it’s just going to go to waste,” Bruce shifted some of the boxes, watching Tony struggle to get himself out of the chair, “Did you at least get me the one thing I asked for?”

“Oh yea of little of faith,” Tony wriggled a little more but soon gave up, choosing to sit in the chair until further notice. He pointed to the second largest box in the room, carefully placed in a corner out of the way, “That box over there, one state of the art ultrasound machine. Nothing’s too good for my Bruce-y.”

Bruce grabbed his own box cutter and slit the cardboard, opening the top and looking down at the machine, all white plastic with a shiny chrome stand, the computer monitor sitting at the top just below his head height. He wasn’t an inventor like Tony but even he could appreciate a well made machine, a beautifully crafted new tool to aid in discovery. 

“You know, I wouldn’t mind running this over Thor as well, if he’s ok with it. I’d love to get a better picture of his organ structure.”

“You’re just curious about that second stomach…”

“Aren’t you?”

As much as Bruce still had concerns about his new role as Loki’s doctor from both an ethical and moral standpoint, the consent and patient privilege issues alone would probably keep a medical ethics board busy for months, he had to admit there was a small part of him, just a tiny part, which bubbled with excitement at the thought of learning all about (discovering) a whole new alien species. 

He’d have to contain that. That’s what Fury was probably counting on, his love of research, to push himself and Loki to a place he wasn’t comfortable with. 

“Ugh! Tony, what are you doing?”

Steve had come into the lab and was holding a hand in front of his eyes, trying to block out the sight of Tony, legs spread wide in the gynaecologist’s chair.

“What? We all need a check up every now and again.”

“So you actually bought all of this stuff, did you?” Steve looked around at all the new equipment for Bruce’s one patient clinic, “It’s a little much, isn’t it?”

“You’re asking the wrong person, Captain.”

Steve shifted uncomfortably, “We’re really going to do this?” 

Tony got the distinct feeling Steve was looking at the assembled boxes to avoid having to look at him. Could be the compromising position…

“Well, the way I see it, either Bruce, who we know is a paragon of ethical medical practice, does it, or he says no and Fury gets one of SHIELD’s staff doctors on the case and who knows what happens next. This way at least it’s someone Loki knows and Thor trusts being his lady parts doctor. Loki’s lady parts…not Thor’s…”

Bruce looked up from where he was rooting through a box of medical instruments, “Why do I have so many speculums?”

“I didn’t know what size to get. There are sizes! Did you know that Rogers?”

Steve sighed, “No, have to admit I didn’t know that. I just…I really don’t feel comfortable with this. Thor’s our friend…”

JARVIS beeped, the AI version of clearing the throat, “Dr Banner, there is another delivery for you at the front door. This one requires your signature…”

“Ah, that’ll be my copy of ‘Holistic Approaches to Obstetrics in Modern Practice,’” Bruce put down the carton of instruments and left to collect his delivery. 

Tony made another attempt to struggle his way out of the chair. Nope, still stuck. He probably should have tried to adjust the stirrups before getting in. Hindsight and all that…

“Jesus Christ, can you help me out of this…please?”

Steve rolled his eyes but stepped forward, pointedly still not looking at Tony as he lifted his left leg out of the stirrup and placed it down carefully.

“Listen…” Tony spoke more softly, Steve standing so close to him, “I know you’re not happy, none of us are. But what are we going to do? We’re in a corner here…”

“We could have said no…”

Tony cocked one eyebrow, able to pull his other leg out by himself, “Refusing an order? That’s not like you, Rogers. I think you’ve been hanging around with me a little too much…”

“Don’t flatter yourself,” Steve folded his arms. He hadn’t moved from where he stood between Tony’s legs. 

“Well, if it’s any consolation to you, Natasha’s talked to Loki about it. He seemed pretty interested in the idea, enough to let us do some preliminary blood work, anyway.”

Steve sighed, “I spose that’s something…”

Tony, free from the confines of the chair, sat up. Steve was standing less than a foot away from him, they were finally frikken alone (Finally! You’d be surprised how rare that was, living with six other people), now was a good a time as any. 

Tony swept his eyes around the room one last time, checking for any lurking SHIELD agents who might be hiding in corners, cleared his throat, “So…Rogers, on a less Loki related note, you busy this Friday night?”

“Clint and I have a regular date with Downton Abbey but I’m sure he could record it for me,” Steve shifted his weight onto one leg and shrugged (don’t look too interested Rogers, be cool for once in your life!) “Why? What did you have in mind?”

Tony started swinging his legs over the edge of the chair, “Weeeeeell, you know, after the carriage thing, my cred as a patron of the modern arts has slid a bit. Pepper’s got me throwing this gallery opening…thing, trying to do some damage control. It’s going to be boring as hell but I figured you might make it suck less…”

“O-oh, yeah. Yeah, that sounds…swell,” Steve scratched his neck, “I guess I could swing that. What time?”

“Pick you up at about seven? It’s black tie, you’ll have to wear a suit…”

“That’s fine, I’ve got one…”

“Oh yeah, from that state dinner thing…You need it dry cleaned or something? Pepper could organise that…”

Steve smiled, “Nah, I’ll handle it. So…Friday at seven…it’s a date!”

~*~*~

Loki undulated his hips, biting down on his bottom lip. He liked being on top, though when Thor had suggested it, face red, finger pressed against the picture in The Book, he had been a little wary, it seemed uncomfortable and an awful lot of work. 

But feeling Thor fill him so completely, being able to watch Thor’s face as he gasped and moaned beneath him, Loki enjoyed that. He liked how Thor grabbed at him from below, how those broad hands could easily find his clit and cock to play with, and most of all he loved the look of adoration on Thor’s face while he rode him. 

“Gods Loki…don’t stop…please don’t stop,” Thor gasped out, running his hands up and down Loki’s sides over the black silk he was wearing. His fingers tangled in the ribbons which joined the sides of the garment, exposing long strips of Loki’s flesh through the criss-cross of ribbon. 

Loki leant down and kissed Thor, full and hard, still grinding his hips. He sucked Thor’s tongue into his mouth, moaning as Thor’s hand snuck between their bodies and started to stroke his cock. He pulled away, smiling a serpent’s smile as he slipped his tongue out and licked along Thor’s lips. 

“I love when I can taste myself on your lips, husband.”

Thor groaned and wrapped his arms tight around Loki’s trunk, holding him down tight to his chest. He started rutting his hips up into his wife , thrusting hard, feeling Loki’s body grip him tightly. 

Loki whimpered. The angle of the thrusts meant every movement rubbed Thor’s cock over his clit. His cock was trapped between their bodies, being rubbed on both sides from the movement. 

“T-thor…aaah…I’m going to…oh Gods…”

His orgasm rippled through him, starting deep and flowing through every part of his body right down to his toes. He gripped Thor’s shoulders, digging his nails into the flesh there and riding through his climax. Thor’s strokes became more erratic, he groaned out long and low, grabbed Loki’s hips and held him down on his cock as he came inside him. 

Loki went limp, head flopping forward. He smiled sleepily, a light laugh passing his lips as Thor, after a few seconds to rest, rolled Loki onto his back, pressing a few kisses to his lips. 

“Are you alright?”

“Mmm?” Loki rolled his head to look at Thor, “I am very well, my love.”

Thor’s eyes fell on a purple bruise, a stark thumbprint on Loki’s thigh, “I was… not gentle with you…”

“I am not made of glass,” Loki’s fingertips moved over Thor’s forehead, tracing along the lines of worry which had appeared there, “And I don’t mind you know…when you aren’t gentle.”

Thor blinked, not quite believing what he heard. 

Loki smiled, almost shy now, ran his hand down Thor’s upper arm, “You are so strong. I don’t think you realise how…appealing that is.”

Loki didn’t often hesitate with his words. Thor placed an arm over Loki’s body, drawing him closer to him, hand firm and heavy on Loki’s lower back.

“Like this?”

“Mmm, yes, just like that,” Loki pressed his face against Thor’s chest, rubbing his cheek against him, “What did I do to deserve such a good husband?”

He smiled against Thor’s chest, the hair there tickling his face, “Good and hirsute.”

Thor snorted, warmth spreading through him at Loki’s assessment of him as a husband, “You are one to speak of hair…”

“Mine is neatly contained to my head. Yours on the other hand runs wild all over you, it’s quite uncivilized really,” Loki felt tired all of a sudden, he closed his eyes, drifting somewhere close to sleep. It was still early yet, a few more hours rest would not harm him. Perhaps he could convince Thor to bring some breakfast pastries to him in bed, the fried dough rings were Loki’s favourite.

Thor shifted back as Loki drifted closer to sleep, rubbing his wife’s thigh fondly. He paused for a moment then placed his hand flat on Loki’s belly, right above his navel. 

“Today is the day you see Banner…”

Loki nodded his head but kept his eyes closed, “Mmm, it is indeed.”

“Do you think a baby grows yet? We have certainly tried many times…”

“I do not know…perhaps…”

Thor played with a loose piece of Loki’s hair where it lay like spilt ink over the bedspread, “You will…you will promise me that you will rest more, if you find you are pregnant?”

Loki made an annoyed noise in the back of his throat, “You worry too much.”

“I have reason to. You still have your moments…”

“I have not had a faint in 20 years and that was a particularly hot day! Eir said I would outgrow the fainting spells and I have! The matter is rested!”

Thor grunted and rolled over onto his back, tucking one hand behind his head. Loki sighed, shifted a little closer to his husband, not quite touching him. It was too early in the day to start fighting, especially when Thor had woken him so pleasantly…

“…but…I suppose it would not be horrible to rest in the afternoon. I can catch up on my reading…”

The change was instantaneous, a smile broke over Thor’s face and Loki was pulled back into his arms. 

“You must swear you will not let me die of boredom though! I will not tolerate being bored!”

“I shall bring you every amusement the Nine Realms have to offer! Anything you wish!”

Loki pressed a light kiss to the tip of Thor’s nose, “You can start with some dough rings for breakfast, perhaps?”

Thor chuckled, resting their foreheads together, “Of course wife.”

Thor let go of Loki and got up to pull on some pants, looking back at his wife as he settled back into the bed to sleep. In his mind’s eye he saw Loki round and heavy with his child, another wave of warmth spread through him at the thought. He wondered if the baby, when it did come, would be a boy or a girl, or maybe something in between, taking more after it’s mother. He knew his father would want a boy, Thor found himself unconcerned as long as the child was healthy and the pregnancy was not too taxing on Loki’s body.

Loki’s breathing evened and became deeper, signalling he had slipped into sleep. Thor fondly pulled the sheets up over Loki’s chest, tucking him in as he had done for so many years past. It was early yet, and Loki would need to be rested and strong if there was pregnant. Thor slipped from the room silently; some coffee and time in the training rooms of the Tower would give Loki enough time to sleep. Then he could return with the donuts. 

Despite the early hour, Thor found he was not the only person using the kitchen. 

“Good morning friend Tony! How does the morn greet you?”

Tony rubbed at his red eyes with one hand. It was too early for Thor and in particular was way too early for Thor involved conversations. 

“It doesn’t Thor, buddy. As far I’m concerned it’s still the night before,” Tony pressed the button on the coffee machine, watching the black gold fill his mug (please God, go quicker), “…haven’t quite made it to bed yet.”

Thor looked concerned, “You should take more care with yourself friend, sleep is vital to warriors such as us.”

Tony didn’t respond, willing the coffee to drip faster. Couldn’t Thor just go back to bed and pat Loki’s hair or whatever it was they did?

As if sensing Tony’s thoughts, Thor shifted closer to the other man, looming over him. Apparently, just like inside voices, personal space wasn’t something they had on Asgard. 

“Actually, friend Tony, I am glad to find you here. I have a boon to ask of you. I have been told I receive payment from SHIELD for our defence of Midgard, is this correct?”

“They pay you, if that’s what you mean, yeah.”

Thor nodded slowly in understanding, “Where is my payment kept? Do you have a treasure vault within the Tower?”

Tony snorted around his coffee, imagining himself swimming in a vault of gold coins, Scrooge McDuck style, “No, no treasure vaults. I like the idea though, might write that one down. Your money’s in the bank, Thor. Don’t you ever open up any of those letters addressed to Dr Donald Blake I keep putting under your door?”

“I had wondered where they came from…”

“I’ll take that as a no. Why the sudden interest? No! Let me guess…this has something to do with your baby mama doesn’t it?”

“My mother is not a baby.”

Tony scrubbed his hand over his face, it was far too early for this, “Loki. Is this something to do with Loki?”

“Yes! Indeed it is! I wish to buy Loki and myself a set of rings, I understand this is your custom to show a couple is married. Then we can prevent another…misunderstanding, as with the Lady Jane.”

Tony took another gulp of his coffee, nodding, “Probably a good idea, you do have quite a few female fans…and male ones for that matter. Alright, you still got all those letters?”

Thor nodded, “Aye, I have kept them all.”

“Good. Open them and find the one which comes with a plastic card stuck to the letter. Come see me with it at a more reasonable hour and I’ll take you to a jewelry store.”

“Today? After Loki’s appointment?”

Tony rolled his eyes, “Yeah, ok, jeez. You’ve been married a since the Edwardian period, I don’t think Loki’s going to mind waiting another couple of days for you to put a ring on it.”

“You are very unpleasant at this time in the morning, Friend Tony. Me thinks you should put more effort into finding sleep at a reasonable hour,” Thor replied huffily, taking the day’s donut delivery (which Tony had been reaching for, excuse me) as he left the room. 

Tony knew there was a reason he didn’t get up before noon…

~*~*~

Loki fidgeted in the hard seat outside Bruce’s new ‘office’ (another one of Tony’s ideas, giving Dr Banner OB GYN a room to work out of), picking at the embroidery on the edging of his sleeves. 

A wide calloused hand slipped inside Loki’s, putting an end to the worrying at his new clothes. Thor smiled at him, giving the hand he held a squeeze. 

“Do you wish me to come in with you?”

Loki shook his head. He pursed his lips and lent his head on Thor’s shoulder, placing his other hand on top of the two clasped together. 

“What if…what if I am not…”

Thor hushed him with a soft noise, “Then we keep on trying. It will happen.”

The office door opened and Bruce poked his head out, giving the couple a small smile, “You can come in now, Loki.”

Thor gave Loki’s hand one last squeeze before letting him go. 

“Alright, just take a seat, anywhere you like…” Bruce adjusted his glasses and indicated for Loki to choose a seat on one of two low soft looking arm chairs facing each other over a coffee table. He picked up a pad of paper and pen. 

“Now,” Bruce cleared his throat, taking the other seat as Loki sat down, “I just want to make clear Loki, that I’m your doctor and you’re my patient, so anything you say here stays between you and me. SHIELD has asked me to report to them on whether you’re pregnant or not, but apart from that our sessions are confidential.”

“Also, we’re not going to do any testing or anything like that today, we’re just going to talk.”

Loki shifted in his chair, “What is there to speak of, Doctor?”

“Well, I’d like to know a little about your background, what you want to get out of this…”

“Pregnant, ideally.”

Bruce chuckled, “We’ll get to that. Let’s start with some simple stuff, what’s your full name?”

Loki raised an eyebrow, “On Asgard I am known as Loki Laufeyson.”

“…and in other places?”

“On Jotunheim I am Loki of the clan of the Kings. We do not have second names.”

“Right,” Bruce made a quick note on his pad, ( _Jotuns – clan based social structure??_ ) “And on that note, what are your parent’s names?”

“Laufey of the clan of the Kings is my father, my mother was Farbauti Eye Thief.”

“She- I’m sorry, is that the right word to use? She?”

“She went by that, yes.”

“She…your mother didn’t have her own clan?”

“The songs say that my mother was born in a strike of lightning on the great ice shelves, that she was suckled by Kolgur bears and grew tall and mighty on their milk before she came to Utgard seeking to win my Father’s hand.”

Bruce blinked, “…riiiight.”

He realised that he was repeating himself. What was the correct response to something like that?”

“Of course that is mostly rot. The truth of the matter is my mother was most likely the result of union between a Jotun and one of the Storm Giants of the Far Wastes. They are a wild people, no clan would claim a child of such parentage. Our song writers tend to be liberal with the truth…”

“Heh heh, yeah. I gather your mother’s not alive? You speak about her in the past tense…”

“Mmm, she died birthing me.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.” ( _Post partum maternal death – potential issue, how common?_ ) “And your Father isn’t well…”

“He has a wasting illness which is killing him, we know not the cause nor the cure.”

God, this was turning out to be a light hearted day.

“Any siblings?”

“Two very annoying older brothers.”

Bruce scribbled a few more notes, “Do either of them have children?”

“Helblindi will not take a mate until he is king. Byleistr is…a little awkward, so no,” Loki crossed his legs, looked around the room, “I am sure this is all thrilling information Doctor, but is it really relevant to the matter at hand?”

So much for trying to be holistic and building patient trust. Bruce put down his pen and looked carefully across at Loki. 

“Alright Loki, what do you want?”

“All I really need is a way to find out whether I am with child.”

“Well, I can help you with that,” Bruce picked up his pen again, “I’m not familiar your body so you’re going to have to bear with me here. Do you menstruate?”

“I do.”

“And how often does that occur?”

“Every six weeks…roughly. I have never been completely regular…”

“That’s not unusual. When was the last time?”

“I am overdue by three days.”

Bruce put down his pen and paper and looked carefully over at Loki, “I don’t need to tell you-“

“Yes!” Loki answered sharply, “I am aware I could already be pregnant. Why do you think I agreed to this pointless and humiliating exercise!? I need you to tell me one way or the other, am I carrying a child?”

Bruce gave a defeated gesture with his hands. He got up and went to one of the (remarkably well stocked) cupboards and picked up a little cardboard packet, pale blue in colour. 

“Here. Your blood work came back showing you seem to have a similar hormonal makeup to us…well, if humans were mono-gendered at least, so this should hopefully work.”

Loki opened the box and pulled out the white and pink plastic stick inside, looking up at Banner curiously. 

“It’s a pregnancy test. Read the instructions, it’s pretty simple stuff. If you’re not sure about the results come and see me.”

Loki placed the test back in its box and tucked it inside his sleeve, “Thank you Doctor.”

“Same time next month then?”

Loki answered with a single arched brow, standing swiftly and leaving the room in a flourish of green and ivory silk. 

Loki read the instructions carefully. He drank five glasses of water in ten minutes, willing himself to feel the need to urinate. 

When the test came back with a single negative stripe there was a pang of disappointment but Loki didn’t allow himself any despair. He hid the test results and went to ask Banner for another (Banner, to Loki’s surprise did not ask why), the instructions had said the best results came from the heavy bladder of the morning, he would try again then. 

And when, the next morning he woke himself before Thor, slipping silently into the bathroom to take the test, pulled down his short clothes and saw the fresh blood there…it was then and only then he allowed himself to cry.


	14. Sex Pollen Happens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Bruce has hobbies, Darcy lets curiosity get the better of her, Loki should really do some reading on his own species and most of the Avengers behave appallingly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a warning here for Avenger behaving badly in this chapter and making use of Tony's extensive camera system.

>   
>  **Coming of Age in Jotunheim – a Medical Inquiry by Eir Jorufsdottir**
> 
> **Extract from Chapter 4 - Reproduction**
> 
> **Given the Jotun enthusiasm for the sexual act, and their openness regarding discussions of the same, it is perhaps understandable that several misconceptions and rumours have found a strong root in discussions of the Giants amongst our own people. The most oft repeated, and dare the author say, enjoyed, of these is the myth of the Jotun heat cycle.**
> 
> **The author’s own inquiries have found that no such thing exists of the scale and depravity described so often after several cups in the taverns of Asgard. The Jotuns do however report that a marginal portion of the populace experience a mild oestrus, that this is most common in the young, presumably in order to ensure the production of a large number of children during the most fertile and capable years, and that it is most likely to occur between bonded pairs. Oestrus tends to occur infrequently, even among those individuals with a propensity towards it, the Jotun’s interviewed report they can go centuries without experiencing a single period of heat.**
> 
> **Tales of the scent of a Jotun in oestrus being so potent as to send whole cities into the throws of passion are also greatly exaggerated. The author’s own findings based on experiments with both Aesir and Jotun subjects show that this scent only affects others within a close proximity to the heating party, the most affected being those sharing a room. Experiments on the affect of Jotun oestrus on other peoples of the Nine Realms have yet to be conducted…**   
> 

“I had fun tonight,” Steve said, loosening his bowtie as he walked through the corridors of the Tower, being escorted to his room by Tony. 

“Yeah, it was pretty good, you know, for an art thing…” Tony’s tie was already undone, hanging open around his neck

Steve had been impressed with how much Tony knew about ‘art things.’ His knowledge of modern art was extensive, giving Steve a crash course in the pop art movement as he showed him the Warhol and Hockney pieces Pepper had hunted down for the new gallery, speaking with the enthusiasm of someone who loved the subject. It was good to know they had something more in common than saving the world. 

Steve had found himself more drawn to the Basquiat triptych which had dominated one wall of the gallery, it’s angry chaotic lines and powerful colours captivating him. Everything was different now, especially art, he thinks he should be getting used to that, the differentness of the world, but he still finds himself surprised several times a day. 

They walked slowly, more like wandering, to the door to Steve’s apartment in the Tower, Steve leaning back against it, not wanting the night to end just yet. 

“So…this is me…”

“Yeah…I know, I’m sort of your landlord really…”

“Oh…yeah,” Steve rooted in his pocket for his keys, “I really did have fun tonight…”

“You already said that,” Tony stepped closer, letting his hand rest oh-so-casually on the door beside Steve’s head. 

“Is there anything else I should be saying?”

“Nah…I think we’re good.”

Then Tony leant in, just a little more, and they were kissing, Steve’s lips tasting of the champagne they’d been serving at the gallery. Tony moved his hand so it rested on Steve’s hip, pulling him closer. Fuck, this was really good. Really, really good. Who would have thought Stars and Stripes would be such a good kisser?

They broke apart for air, Steve smiling and fumbling behind him for the door handle. Tony leant in for another kiss. 

“G’night Tony,” Steve opened his door, taking one step inside his room. 

“We don’t have to say goodnight just yet…”

“But I thought there wasn’t anything else to say…” Steve bit his bottom lip (oh God, not that, anything but that, if there was anything which was guaranteed to make Tony Stark weak at the knees, it was lip biting).

“Good night Tony.”

And then the door was closed, Tony stuck on what he had decided was definitely the wrong side. Damn. Tease. 

Well, alright. If that was how Steve wanted to play it, he could get behind it. He probably wanted to take things slow, different era and all that. 

Still…tease. 

~*~*~

“So…” Bruce spun in his chair, “How was your date?”

Tony sniffed, “Tony Stark does not kiss and tell.”

“No, that’s for Perez Hilton to do. You should have left by the back, you and Steve are all over the gossip blogs. ONTD’s got a source from La Belle Epoch and is claiming that was your first date and you and Steve have been going steady for ages.”

“Why are you even reading that trash?”

“I’m allowed to have hobbies outside of work!”

“Knock knock…”

There was a voice at the lab door, Bruce turned in his chair to see Darcy standing in the doorway, holding a bag of books along with her own handbag and her ever present mobile phone hanging from her other hand. 

“Hey Darcy,” Bruce said. Tony grunted from his own work station. “What’re you doing over this side of town?”

“Jane wanted me to return these books,” Darcy heaved the bag full of what were presumably physics text books onto a nearby table, “And she said you’d have some stuff for me to pick up…”

“Ah! Yep, I have those particle read-outs for the last few Bifrost openings right here for you,” Bruce stood, lifting a few files, opening a draw or two (he was certain he was more organised before he shared a lab with Tony), “She usually pops over herself to pick them up herself though…”

“Yuh, that was before Thor became _persona non grata_.”

Bruce pulled a face, “Oh, err…yeah. That…that must be pretty awkward actually.”

“Mmm,” Darcy shoved a pile of papers off a stool and made herself at herself at home, “To be honest, I sort of saw it coming. I mean, like, you’re dating a guy for four months and all he does is kiss your hand? Come on! Everyone knows that can only mean one of three things,” she started counting off on her fingers, “One, gay, two, married or three, Jesus freak…and you seriously want to back off from that unless you want to end up living on a compound in Utah with a bunch of sister wives.”

Bruce opened his mouth to reply but found Darcy was still going.

“But she was all, ‘Oh, noooo Darcy, it’s just a cultural thing. We’ll get past it…’ and I was all ‘You’re not going to get past the fact he needs a hearty diet of fresh juicy cock!’ but nope, don’t listen to Darcy, she’s only right all of the time.”

“Ah! Here we go,” Bruce found the print outs he’d been looking for and handed them to Darcy, “Let me know if she needs anything else.”

“Will do, green bean,” Darcy shoved the papers into her handbag, then remained seated where she was on the stool, swinging her legs back and forth, evidently not finished. 

“Soooo…what’s he like? Jane wasn’t exactly forthcoming on the details.”

“Who? Loki?” Tony shrugged, “About 6’4”, 530 pounds, an estimated 20 pounds of which is hair, blessed with both an innie and an outie, likes frappuchinos and eating me out of house and home, not much else to say really…”

“Really? Eric said he more like a Disney Princess on roids…”

“Was Selvig there?” Tony said to Bruce, “Was he on the guest list? My memories of that night are either fuzzy or repressed so I may just have missed it.”

“You asked me to invite my friends,” Bruce shrugged, “I don’t have that many friends which aren’t other physicists, surprising I know.”

“Fair enough. If you’re that interested in our resident Disney Princess Darce, I think I saw him up in the lounge pretty recently with Natasha, liberating the Nintendo from my bourgeois capitalist oppression…or something.”

“Awesome!”

“Oh, hey! You may want to avoid mentioning Ja-“ Tony looked up, finding himself speaking to an empty chair, “Eh, it probably won’t come up.”

~*~*~

True to Tony’s word, Darcy found Loki and Natasha playing Mario Kart in the lounge, spread out on the couch and surrounded by an awful lot of junk food wrappers. Darcy sat down on one of the other couches, staring just a little. Disney Princess on roids was pretty accurate really, right down to the long flowey white dress. 

Natasha gave a whoop as she blue shelled Loki right off a cliff, “Hah! Got ya! That means you get the Twinkies.”

Loki scoffed but got up, eyeing Darcy oddly but saying nothing as walked past her to the kitchen. 

“Hey Darcy,” Natasha gave a small wave over at Darcy from her place on the couch, “Haven’t seen you in a while. What brings you here?”

“Had some errands to run over this side of town. Get used to it, you’ll probably be seeing a lot more of me around here if Jane doesn’t get over this whole…what?”

Natasha was making throat cutting motions against her neck, an exasperated look on her face. It was too late though.

“Ahhh, you work for the Lady Jane do you?” Loki gave a sardonic smile, reappearing behind the couch with the requested packet of Twinkies, “Come to spy for your lady, have you? Report back to her on my marriage, whether my husband has bored of me yet?”

Darcy stayed silent, eyes suddenly going very round as Loki towered over her. Make that a little less Sleeping Beauty, a little more Malficent. Natasha’s gave a long sigh. 

“Or maybe you’ve come on a more sinister mission; to sneak pins into my cushions and purging drafts into my food?” Loki flopped down onto the couch, opening the Twinkies and biting into one, “Well your lady has wasted a day of your service if that is the case, since I am withered and barren.”

“God,” Natasha took the snacks off him, “How many times? You’re not barren, you’re just not pregnant right now! It’s going to happen.”

Loki huffed, rolling his eyes. Natasha offered Darcy a cake, “Ignore him, he’s had a bad week. Come on Loki, you want another go at Rainbow Road?”

“No, I tire of this. Can we watch a movie?”

“Star Wars again?”

“Yes please.”

Natasha got up to turn off the game and put on the Empire Strikes Back. Loki curled himself into a ball in the corner of the couch, shoving another Twinkie into his mouth as the theme music started and staring blankly at the screen. 

“So…no thunder babies on the horizon then?” Darcy twiddled her thumbs, giving a half smile at Loki. Probably not the best topic of conversation, but he brought it up.

“No. None. Because I am barren. Thor will divorce me and I will have to live in a cave, one of those mad old witches who dies and is found months later half eaten by his thirty pet bilgesnipes.”

“Oh…yeah, that happened to one of my aunts. Major bummer.”

They watched the movie in silence for a while, until there was a crash of thunder and a mighty thump as Thor, Steve clinging to his front and Clint hanging off his back, landed on the Tower balcony, back from their patrol. 

“Ughghghgh,” Clint wobbled through the doors, “I swear to God, if we don’t get the jet out of the shop soon I’m taking early retirement. Man was not meant to fly like that.”

“Gonna have to agree with you there, Clint,” Steve looked a little green, bracing himself against the nearest solid surface as he stumbled in. 

Thor, on the other hand, looked in fine form, chuckling at the other’s discomfort, “But friends, do you not want your in-flight mixed nuts?”

Both of them groaned, Clint laying himself face down on the floor. 

“Ah! Good morning ladies…my love,” Thor walked to the couch, leaning down to place a kiss on Loki’s forehead. Loki looked up at Thor, petulant, a little cake filling stuck to his bottom lip. 

“Are there any plans for you to get out of your nightgown today, dear one?” He said softly, pushing a few loose strands of Loki’s unplaited hair behind his ear. Loki shrugged in response. 

Darcy raised her eyebrow, fingers itching to snap a picture with her iPhone as she watched the whispered conversation between Thor and Loki. She didn’t know Thor could whisper, for one thing. Some agreement was reached between them, Thor pressing a quick kiss to Loki’s lips before he stood, letting Loki slip past him, presumably to go have a shower and get dressed. 

It wasn’t until the lift doors had closed behind Loki that Thor sighed, his shoulders slumping as he sank down into the place Loki had vacated on the couch. He looked over at Darcy and gave a small smile. 

“It is good to see you, Lady Darcy. How are you?”

“Increasingly thankful I’m alive. What about you, big guy?”

“I have failed to plant a child in my wife’s womb, friend, and find myself despondent.”

Clint groaned from the floor, “Can we please have a rule about not talking about planting things in wombs? Please? Not until the room stops moving, at least.”

Darcy nodded sympathetically, “Yeah, he mentioned something about that. Well, you know what they say, if at first you don’t succeed…”

“I do not know what they say, Lady Darcy, but I get your meaning. Tell me, how are Selvig and Lady Jane? I have not heard from either of them in some time.”

“Well, he’s in South America at some physics nerd con, so that’s why you haven’t heard much from him. And Jane, well, no movement there but I’ve totes been pleading your case. I think there’s some improvement, she actually referred to you by name and not as ‘that douche’ the other day.”

“Huzzah.”

Darcy raised one eyebrow; whispering and sarcasm, all in one day? Earth was finally making an impact on ol’ Thunder Buns. 

“Well, I’d better be going, I’ve got more stuff to do around this side of town. Good luck on the baby making big guy.”

“Aye. Until the next time, Lady Darcy.”

Darcy picked up her bags, waving goodbye to everyone. She’d gotten her look at Thor’s man-wife, which is why she’d agreed to be Jane’s dogsbody for the day. Hey, who wouldn’t be curious? This was going straight to her blog…

Thor picked up a nearby packet of chips, emptying them into his mouth. 

“Loki’s pretty down, you sure he’s ok?” Natasha asked.

Thor looked tired, “His disappointment at not being pregnant is compounded by the fact that he rides the red tide of war, my lady. It will pass.”

“Dammit Thor!” Clint barked, finally making it up to his hands and knees, “No period metaphors! We talked about this!”

~*~*~

Thor wakes and suddenly, inexplicably, something is…different. Not wrong, not even…strange, there is no danger that Thor can sense, nothing he feels he should be concerned about or have to protect his wife from, but something has changed. 

_Loki…_

Thor rolled over, half sitting up, suddenly possessed of the thought that Loki may not be beside him. All was well though, Loki was in his proper place on the bed, the cotton sheet pulled up to his chest. Yes. Good. 

Thor licked over his lips, placing a hand on Loki’s hip. He could look so innocent while sleeping, a hand tucked under his head and the pillow. All Thor had to do was lift the sheet and look down at his wife’s body in its green silk and lace nightgown (barely a nightgown, it was smaller than anything Thor could ever have imagined would constitute a garment) and see that Loki was anything but innocent. 

As Thor leaned in closer, fitting himself behind Loki’s body, it finally hit him what was different about this morning. It was the smell, the scent coming off Loki, something sweet and new, so faint it barely registered at the edge of his senses. It was there though, and as Thor shifted closer it he could smell it more clearly, a scent at once heavy like incense but light as new flowers. 

His cock, half hard already, twitched as it’s fitted against the juncture of Loki’s thighs, the nightgown his wife was wearing hiked up over his hips. Loki shifted in his sleep, legs parting, and Thor grunted, feeling heat and slick wetness greet his cock. 

Almost without thinking his hips start to shallowly thrust between Loki’s thighs, running his cock between the soft folds. His hand slid further down Loki’s body, cupping a round buttock and squeezing. Loki shifted, murmuring Thor’s name and rolling over. Thor grunted, feeling cool fingers grip his cock, guiding it inside. 

Thor thrust up, feeling Loki take him fully, no touching beforehand, no preparation…Gods…

It was a quick coupling, Thor finding himself close even as they started. Loki was so wet, grinding against him, that smell all around him, Thor feeling like it was almost seeping into his pores. Loki came with a high whine, his hips shuttering up, Thor feeling warm wetness spread between them where Loki had spilled. His cunt squeezed, Thor gave a shuddering breath and came inside him. 

Maybe this time…maybe Loki would be pregnant. He wanted to give Loki what he wished for so badly.

Thor made a move to roll onto his back, but found himself held in place, Loki raising his leg and hooking a thigh over Thor’s hip to stop him from pulling out. 

“Don’t…just…for a little while…” Loki murmured, wrapping his arms around Thor’s neck. 

Thor stroked Loki’s back. Loki didn’t always want to be held after sex, sometimes batting Thor away claiming his body was too warm for comfort. Still holding him, Thor shifted slightly onto his back so Loki could lay half on top of him. He closed his eyes, hearing Loki breathe…

…And then suddenly Thor was awake again, and hard, almost painfully so, as if he had not found release for several days. 

Perhaps it had been a dream? No, he could still feel the stickiness from where Loki had released on his stomach. The sun was a little higher in the sky than it had been, it could only have been an hour or so ago…

He stroked himself absently, thinking back to his and Loki’s earlier coupling, before realising where he was, spread legged and shameless with his wife laying next to him in bed. Gods, what had gotten into him today?

He rolled over, finding Loki wasn’t in bed anyway. He could hear the shower going in the bathroom. He scratched his head, sitting up in bed. His legs carried him to the bathroom, pushing the door open slightly and peeking in. 

Loki’s eyes met his across the white tile, water from the shower splashing against him and running down his body, “You took your time, husband.”

Then Thor is on his knees in the shower, between Loki’s legs, sucking his cock into his mouth and tracing a finger along his slit. Loki groaned, hips jerking already, riding Thor’s fingers when they thrust inside. 

“Don’t tease me…please…”

So Thor doesn’t. He pressed Loki against the tiles, lifting his legs and seating himself inside him in one sharp upwards movement. He sets a fast pace, rough, spurred on by Loki, his heels kicking into the back of his thighs. 

Loki begs and mewls and cries out, body squeaking against the tiles. The orgasm he has barely takes the edge off the need he feels, it itches and burns inside him. Even as Thor lets him down off the tiles he wants more, wants to be thrown around and filled, feel Thor pin him to bed with his weight and take what he wants from his body. 

When Loki pulls him back into the bedroom, it occurs to Thor that maybe, just maybe, something really is different about today. Any concerns he may about this are pushed to the back of his mind when Loki climbs onto the bed on all fours, presenting himself to Thor obscenely, like an animal to be mounted. 

Any other thoughts after that are gone, scattered to the far reaches of the world.

~*~*~

When Steve was growing up, in his grandma’s tiny apartment in Brooklyn before the war, before the serum, before everything, there was a young couple who lived across the hall for a while, newly married. Looking back, Steve knew the wife couldn’t have been much more than 17 or 18, but back then the bright pink lipstick she favoured and her neatly coiffed hair had marked her as sophisticated, a part of the mysterious world of adulthood. 

Her husband worked in one of the factories downtown and Steve would often come home from school to find the young woman sitting across from his grandmother at the kitchen table, drinking coffee and chain smoking cheap cigarettes. Only a few months after they moved in, the wife was pregnant, her pink lips spread wide in a smile over her coffee as she talked about the cot they would be picking up from her parent’s place.

When the couple came back from the hospital with no baby, his grandmother had cried. A hush descended over the whole building, the word ‘stillbirth’ whispered along the halls. The wife didn’t wear lipstick anymore and her hair hung limp around her shoulders even as the months passed. After she took a bottle of aspirin, chased with a bottle of cheap scotch and her husband found her unconscious on the bathroom floor (Steve had heard all this whispered between his grandmother and Mrs Greene from down the hall) they moved out, apparently back with her parents upstate. 

Steve was thankful that in the 21st century there were words for these things now, depression, mental illness, that even the word ‘suicide’ was spoken was little more freely. That there were people to speak to, pills you could take. He misses his life in the 40’s, but he doesn’t miss the 40’s itself, things are better now, for everyone. 

So when Loki hadn’t come out of his room for three days, Steve started to worry. He knew how upset he’d been when he found out he wasn’t pregnant. Steve wasn’t one to pry though, at least not at first, so he made some casual inquiries with Thor, just to see how Loki was doing, if he was feeling alright. Thor was unusually cagey on the subject…maybe they didn’t have or understand mental illness on Asgard.

And on that note, Thor hadn’t come out of his and Loki’s room much in the past couple of days as well. He’d missed coming to the gym and only seemed to come out to raid the fridge and pantry, taking armfuls of food back to his room, the door of which stayed firmly shut. That was really concerning, if Loki was so depressed he couldn’t get out of bed and Thor had to bring food to him, well…it spoke for itself. 

He had to get in, just to check Loki was alright, then he’d leave well enough alone. Steve waited then, staking out the couple’s room around lunchtime, when he knew Thor would leave to get something to eat. 

As soon as he saw Thor’s broad back making its way to the kitchen, Steve made his move. He tested the door, unlocked. It wouldn’t have mattered if it was, Tony had given him the code to make JARVIS open any door he needed to in the tower…because he was so trustworthy and didn’t normally sneak into other people’s bedrooms. 

Ok, so maybe this wasn’t Steve’s proudest moment, but when it came to mental illness, it was better to be safe than sorry as far as he was concerned. 

The curtains were drawn, even though it was the middle of the day. That wasn’t a good sign. Steve walked over to the bed, where he could see an unmistakably Loki sized lump under the sheets. 

“Loki…” Steve squatted down beside the bed, “…Loki…are you awake?”

The lump in the bed rolled over, a set of green eyes meeting Steve’s, the covers pulled up to his nose. 

“Captain?” Loki pulled the sheets down to under his chin, his voice sounded groggy, “What are you doing here?”

“I just…” What was that smell? “Just wanted to see how you were. You haven’t come out of here in a couple of days…”

Loki laughed, or was it more of a giggle? “You are such a kind hearted soul Captain…so kind…”

Loki’s hand appeared from beneath the covers and cupped Steve’s cheek. Ok…this was…where is that goddamn smell coming from? It was like fresh coffee…maybe, wet earth…coconut…

Why was Steve even here again? 

Oh! Right, he had to make sure Loki wasn’t depressed. 

“Are you…are you feeling ok Loki?”

“Feeling ok? Captain I am most definitely ok, as you say,” That laugh again, “Where is Thor?”

“I think he just went to get lunch.”

“Good, very good. You’ll stay until he comes back?”

“If you want…”

Loki made a pleased noise, turning over in the bed. His hair flicked into Steve’s face, giving him a face full of that smell again. 

The door of the room slammed. Steve looked up and there was Thor, holding a few loaves of bread and a super sized jar of peanut butter, his jaw set in a hard line as he stared at Steve kneeling beside his wife’s bed. 

“Steven…what brings you here?” Thor’s voice was genial but Steve could hear, could sense, the hint of tension underneath it. 

Steve felt anger flood him, irrational and sudden. Thor was angry at him? Just for trying to help? Go to hell, Thor, and take your peanut butter with you. Steve stood, stalking over to Thor who was standing in the middle of the room. 

They stared each other down, Steve starting to wonder what it’d be like to fight Thor, really fight him. How long could he last against him? Pretty long, Steve reckoned, Thor was stronger but he was faster, and Mjolnir hadn’t dented his shield. Steve’s fingers twitched, itching to feel his shield in them. 

“Thoooooor, where have you been?” There was a whine from the bed. Thor’s head instantly snapped to focus on Loki, he made a low noise in the back of his throat. 

“Getting something to eat, wife.”

“Good, I’m hungry”

“Coming, my love,” Thor’s hand slapped down on Steve’s shoulder, leading him towards the door. Steve blinked and suddenly he was back in the hall, the door slamming and locking behind him. 

Well, they can both go to hell then. Steve didn’t care. Maybe he’d find Tony. His cock twitched in his pants at the thought. Yeah, he’d definitely go and find Tony. 

Tony was easy to find, in the lab, where he always was. God, he looked so good, in that white shirt, oil stains on the cuffs, probably just back from some meeting, Steve didn’t think he’d ever seen anything hotter. 

It was so easy to grab Tony, push him up against the wall, press up against him. 

“Whoa! Hey there Cap, didn’t see you there…”

“Hey Tony,” Steve licked his lips, fingers drifting to the buttons on Tony’s shirt.

“Ok…we’re friendly today…whoa…”

Steve’s lips latched onto Tony’s neck, sucking, running his teeth over the skin, biting…

“F-fuck…what’s gotten into you?” Tony grabbed Steve’s head, pulling him up as Steve gave up on the buttons on Tony’s shirt, ripping it open instead. The arc reactor glowed, drawing Steve’s eyes. His head moved down, tongue slipping out and tracing along where skin met metal.

“Bruce! Jesus!”

Bruce? What did Bruce have to do with…

Steve felt a sharp jab, right in his neck. The world started to swim…

Steve Rogers, Captain America, hero to all, fell to the ground with a thump, enough Midazolam running through his system to kill a horse. 

Tony panted, “Thanks man…you alright?”

“Yeah…yeah, I’m ok,” Bruce put a hand to his forehead, breathing deeply himself, “You ok?”

Tony chucked, “Yeah, I’m good. Well…” he tugged at his shirt, noting the four missing buttons, “Should we start taking bets? Alien mind control, some sort of sex laser or spores?”

“Lets get him on a bed first.”

~*~*~

Steve groaned. Oh God, his skull felt like it was several sizes too small for his brain. He tried to open his eyes but quickly closed them, blocking out the near blinding light. Trying to lift a hand to cover them proved useless, both of his wrists were held down in restraints against the bed he was in. Jesus, where was he? What happened?

He jerked at his wrists, “What…where am I?”

“And you’re back with the world of the living. Afternoon Rogers.”

Tony. Thank God! He wasn’t trapped in a super villain’s sex dungeon…again. 

“Tony…what the…why am I tied down to the bed?”

“You don’t remember anything? Bruce, note that down as another symptom, short term memory loss.”

“I got it,” Bruce’s voice came from further away, probably on the other side of the lab.

“Symptom?” Steve tried to crack his eyes open again but quickly squeezed them shut, still way too bright, “Ugh, can you turn that light off please? Symptom of what?”

“Oops, sorry,” There was a click and the unbearable bright light in front of his eyes dimmed, “That better?”

“Yeah. Much,” Steve blinked his eyes open, the lab swimming into focus around him. Tony was standing beside the bed and giving him an awkward half smile. 

“So…you sort of got sex pollened by Loki.”

“WHAT? Ugh…Jesus.” It felt like Thor was living inside his head and had decided to do some major carpentry. He tried again, softer this time, “What?”

“Yeeeah, you went into Thor and Loki’s room, for reasons unknown, and got a face full of spores or something…we’re still trying to figure out the infection slash transmission process but…yeah. You came out and got kind of handsy with me…”

“What?” Steve couldn’t think of anything else to say. Oh God, why couldn’t he remember? What had he done?!

“Don’t worry about it, sex pollen happens to the best of us. Bruce was here to protect my virtue. What’s the last thing you remember?”

Steve blinked, trying to think back. At least Tony was undoing the restraints. 

“Last thing I remember…I wanted to go see Loki. I was worried…”

His memory came back to him in bits and pieces, a slowly dripping tap. He remembered now his concern, Loki in the bed, that cool hand on his face, the smell, oh man, that smell…then Thor…then, oh…oh dear.

“Oh…oh Tony, I’m so sorry. I wasn’t…I didn’t…”

“Hey, we’re cool. Don’t worry about it,” The cuffs around Steve’s wrists were undone. Steve rubbed them, moving to sit on the edge of the bed, “You feeling alright otherwise?”

“It’s like a hangover, I feel like my head’s about to explode.”

“We’ve got some aspirin around here somewhere…”

Tony busied himself trying to find some aspirin. Steve rubbed a hand over his face. Could this be any more awkward? And things had been going so well with Tony… God, what did he think of him now?

He finally looked up, only to have his eyes met by Thor and Loki, naked, in wide screen and high definition. 

“Merciful…ugh! Are you watching them have sex?”

Bruce threw a handful of popcorn into his mouth, “It’s for…science.”

“If it’s for science why are Clint and Natasha here?”

“It’s for SHIELD,” Natasha added, helping herself to the popcorn, "We could be dealing with some major alien spore contamination here. The whole of New York is at risk."

Steve groaned, burying his face in his hands. Couldn’t he just go back to sleep?

“You know, you’re acting really judge-y for a person who needed to be strapped to a table until five minutes ago,” Clint took a long slurp of a drink, eyes firmly stuck on the screen while he spoke.

“It’s funny, looking at Thor, you wouldn’t think he was that flexible…” Natasha said, tipping her head to the side. 

“That’s the big guy for you, always full of surprises.”

“So true. You think they have yoga, or something like it, on Asgard?”

“If they do, it’s probably bigger and hairier than anything we’re used to,” Clint offered, holding his hand out for the popcorn bowl. 

“On that note, do you think Loki removes all of his body hair, or just doesn’t grow any?”

“I have a theory…” Bruce started.

Steve got up. He couldn’t take anymore. The world had clearly gone insane! He needed to find some aspirin, take a long cold shower and then bury himself alive so he’d never have to look any of these people in the eye ever again. 

Tony turned around from where he’d finally found the aspirin only to see the space Steve had previously occupied empty. He sighed. And things had been going so well…


	15. Tidings of Great Joy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Thor and Loki make a surprise announcement nobody is really surprised about, Tony calls some friends in high places, Steve finally snaps, and Natasha and Pepper discover the careers they new knew they had…

“Well…what does it say?”

Loki paced alongside the bed, tugging at his sleeves as he walked back and forth past Thor. His husband sat on the edge of the tub in the bathroom, holding another of Banner’s pregnancy tests in his large hand. 

“It doesn’t say anything yet dear one, the instructions say it can take up to five minutes for the results to appear.”

“Ugh, it has been _at least_ twice that long!”

“It has been thirty seconds. Now seat yourself or you will wear a hole in Stark’s floor…you are making me nauseous.”

With a grunt Loki plopped himself down on the bed, crossing one leg over the other and glowering at Thor, arms folded. 

They waited. Thor stared at the test, Loki fidgeting and periodically giving a dramatic sigh.

After what Loki had determined was a significant length of time (torture, more like) he stalked into the bathroom to hover over Thor’s shoulder. 

“It must show something by now!”

Thor hushed him, wrapping an arm around Loki’s hips and pulling him close to his side, “Something is appearing now…”

Loki’s courage failed him; he covered his eyes with his hand. Please, by the Ancients, let him be pregnant this time. They had tried so hard, his people had waited so long for the Casket to be returned…

“Darling…”

Loki peeped out from between his fingers, Thor holding the slim plastic stick in front of his face. 

“Two stripes, my love.”

For just a moment, Loki didn’t believe him, or the test. It couldn’t be real; it was a mistake, a trick of the light, a lie. But then Thor pressed the test into Loki’s hands, the plastic warm from being held so tight, and Loki saw clearly the two small pink lines, bright and clear in the little transparent window. 

He reached over to the sink, picking up the test box and checking the back, even though he practically had it memorised by now. There it was, as clear as day: two lines equals pregnant. 

He was pregnant…

Thor’s arm squeezed around his hips, his voice soft, “Are you well, wife?”

Loki sat down on the edge of the tub. He suddenly felt a little light headed. 

“Yes…yes I am very well.”

…Then, after a moment, a smile starting to pull at his lips: “Thor…we are going to have a child…”

Thor smiled back, leaning his forehead against Loki’s and wrapping his arms around him, pulling him close.

“Aye, my love. I know.”

~*~*~

“Captain Rogers…”

Steve pulled the blankets over his head and stayed very still. If he didn’t move for long enough perhaps JARVIS’ motion sensors would think he wasn’t there and he’d be left alone. 

“Captain Rogers, everyone has gathered in the lounge.”

Steve still didn’t respond. Nope. Not quite at the place where he could face the whole team together, including Tony ( _especially_ Tony), after being sex spored, thank you very much. 

“Captain Rogers, Mr Odinson has specifically requested your presence and informs me he will bring you to the lounge himself if he has to.”

With a pained groan Steve threw off the covers. Couldn’t he just be left in peace? Apparently not since Thor had some big announcement to make. He was pretty sure he knew what it was anyway, there was no way Loki _couldn’t_ be pregnant after the last couple of weeks. 

“Can I advise Mr Odinson that you’re on your way, Captain?”

“Yeah, I’m coming JARVIS. Tell them I’ll be up in a minute.”

“Thank you Captain.”

Steve got up and hopped in the shower, quickly washing and shaving before pulling on a clean pair of sweat pants and a shirt. He felt a little better afterwards, at least a little more prepared to deal with other people. 

Steve had become pretty adept at avoiding the other Avengers since his unfortunate sporing. Sure, he’d run into the others, shared the odd meal, enough to stop them from getting too suspicious, he’d even had one amazingly awkward conversation with Tony, but by and large, he’d kept to himself. It was just too embarrassing. 

“Captain…if I may…” JARVIS almost sounded tentative, if it was possible for a talking house to sound like anything. 

“Yes JARVIS?”

“Mr Stark misses you.”

Steve sighed, closing his eyes, perhaps he wasn’t as good as he thought he was, “Yeah…thanks JARVIS.”

Steve joined the others in the lounge of the penthouse, Bruce shifting over to give him space to sit on one of the couches. 

“Ah, Steven you are here!” Thor clapped a hand down on Steve’s shoulder as he walked past, an infectious smile plastered on his face, “We can begin.”

“My friends!” Thor addressed the six other people in the room as if he were holding court, “I bring tidings of great joy, and I wished for you all to be the first to know before I make the formal announcement on the Book of Faces, as I understand is your custom…”

He paused for effect, taking Loki’s hand and smiling at him, “Loki and I are expecting our first child.”

Clint gave a high pitched squeal, flapping his hands, “Oh my Gooooooood!”

“This is so unexpected!” Natasha said, her face painted with almost mock surpise. 

Steve caught Tony rolling his eyes from the corner of his vision. He hid a smile. Super spies his 93 year old ass. 

Then everyone was standing and there were hugs and hand shaking and then even more hugging, Thor’s obvious joy infecting everyone in the room. Tony clapped his hands together, announcing that the prevention of universal war is as good a reason as any to celebrate and went to crack open some of the good champagne. 

Loki held his hand out expectantly for a glass as they were passed around, giving an annoyed click as Tony pulled the flute of champagne back from him. 

“Nuh-uh, none for you baby mama. Someone get him some milk or something…”

Clint appeared with a glass of milk (“Organic, full fat, very important you keep your calcium intake up!”), Loki looked distinctly displeased. How bizarre, a taboo on drinking while pregnant. The alcohol here could barely be described as intoxicating in the first place…

Thor wandered over to where Steve was hanging towards the back of the room, planning a subtle exit. He hadn’t seen much of Steve in the past few weeks and that upset him, perhaps sensing in some corner of his mind that this had something to do with him. 

“Friend Steve, are you well?” Thor threw an arm around Steve’s shoulder, holding him in place. 

“Yeah, I’m good thanks Thor. What about you?”

“There can be no one happier than I in the whole Nine Realms, friend!”

Steve chuckled. He couldn’t be angry at Thor or Loki about the sex pollen incident. It wasn’t as if they were in control of themselves at the time, and it didn’t seem like they had much memory of it anyway. After they’d emerged from their room, a full week after Steve’s exposure, Bruce had tried to interview both of them only to find their recollection of the past 10 days fuzzy at best. When Bruce had pushed, pointing out with a calendar how much time had passed since they’d last spoken, not to mention Loki’s impressive case of beard rash, the most he’d gotten was an admission from Loki that he had ‘felt tired’ and ‘needed to lie down.’

“Well, then I’m happy for you. When is Loki due?”

“In truth we are not sure friend. A Jotun pregnancy lasts roughly a year and a half, an Asgardian one only a year. Loki is small for his people as well, it may affect how long he carries the child…”

“So there aren’t that many…uh…mixed children then?”

“There has not been any that I am aware of for many years, certainly not living in Asgard. It would not surprise me though to find there were some living on Jotunheim, the products of brief passions between our warriors and theirs during the war. Mixing between our peoples was not so uncommon millennia ago, my own grandmother was part Jotun.”

“Oh, really?”

Thor nodded sagely, “Indeed. A most formidable woman, Grandmama Bestla…”

“I can imagine…”

“Enough about me friend, how fares yourself?”

Steve shifted uncomfortably, “Oh…you know…the usual.”

“And with Tony? Ah, do not blush my friend, it is plain to see your feelings for each other.”

He was just not going to catch a break today, was he? Steve sighed, “Ugh…I don’t know Thor. It’s complicated…” 

“Ahh…I understand. Love rarely runs a simple course, friend. I do seem to recall though, someone very wise telling me that communication is the key in matters such as these…”

Oh right, so Loki’s in the family way and now Thor’s an expert on relationships is he? And using Steve's own advice against him, as well?

Steve forced himself to smile, “Ha haaa, yeah. Something to think about…”

Thor gave a warm smile, regarding Steve for a while longer before pulling him into another hug. 

“I only wish for you to know our happiness…for all of you to.”

Anyone else saying the same thing would come off as contrived, but Thor made it genuine, like it was his one heartfelt wish. It occurred to Steve that it probably actually was…

“Thor! Make Stark give me something to drink! I don’t want any more milk!”

“Stark, come now, let Loki have a little champagne, drink can do little to harm him or the child. My own mother drank heartily every day she was carrying me and I turned out fine!”

Steve took Thor’s distraction as a perfect opportunity to escape, slipping out of the room as Thor seated himself behind Loki on the couch, hugging his wife around the waist and picking up his hand to kiss. Tony put up his hands in defeat and poured Loki a (small) glass of champagne. 

Tony went to grab another bottle from the fridge and saw the lift doors closing with Steve inside. Dammit! How long was Steve’s little self imposed exile going to last? Tony felt like his balls were going to shrivel up and drop off if this went on much longer. 

Ever since the sex pollen incident Tony’s feelings for Steve had graduated from ‘flirty crush’ to ‘holy crap, I want you to fuck me through the floor.’ A rather large percentage of Tony’s fantasies now involved Steve pushing him against things and having his wicked way with him. Just thinking about it made a shiver run up Tony’s spine. And there he was thinking he’d worked though his sub phase about 10 years ago… 

Tony rubbed a hand over his neck, the place where Steve had bitten him, as he watched the elevator lights count down to Steve’s floor. The bruise had lasted for weeks, a constant reminder of Steve’s mouth on him. He wanted Steve to bite him again, anywhere he wanted, push him around, lick that place just above the reactor like he had…

Ok. Enough bullshit. It was time for Tony Stark to take the direct route. 

~*~*~

“I’m just saying, this place is a death trap,” Clint picked up an open bottle of hydrochloric acid which had been ‘put away’ on the bottom shelf of a book shelf and held it up to Steve, “If Loki’s going to have the baby here we’re going to have to make some serious changes.”

“I don’t think he’s planning on staying on Earth for the pregnancy. Thor got another letter from home yesterday, apparently his Father’s planning to hibernate or something…I don’t know, but they want Thor and Loki back for it. Loki’s already packing.”

“Well, what about when the baby comes and they decide to visit? I just think we should be ready, that’s all.”

“It never hurts to be prepared, I guess,” Steve shrugged, eyes fixed on the starkPad Tony had given him; the Gen 5’s had just come out and Tony had celebrated by handing one out to each Avenger. He had just gotten the hang of it, enough to get onto Facebook at any rate, and was trying to figure out how to make the keyboard pop up so he could update. 

“So that’s why I’ve ordered a crate of those cupboard door locks. It’s a big tower there’s a lot of cupboards. And we’re going to need those toilet seat locks as well. JARVIS, how many toilets are there in the tower?”

“Four hundred and thirty-two toilets in total, sir, including those in the private residential floors.”

“Hmm, I’m going to have to order more…” Clint hummed to himself, almost taking a sip of the acid he was holding before stopping himself, “Jesus, why is this even here?”

Steve chuckled, looking back down at his tablet and shaking his head as Clint left with the bottle of acid. The notification icon at the top of Steve’s facebook page lit up, one new notification pending.

He tapped the screen, bringing it up…

_Tony Stark has changed your relationship status to ‘It’s complicated (because of sex pollen).’ Twenty-seven people like this._

Steve’s eyes bugged out. No…no he wouldn’t…he couldn’t! ‘It’s complicated (because of sex pollen)’ wasn’t even a real relationship status…he hoped… 

_Tony Stark likes ‘Alien Sex Spores’ and thinks you would too. Add ‘Alien Sex Spores’ to your interests?_

Jesus Christ, no!

And then more notifications started popping up. People were commenting on the relationship status like wildfire, in a blink there were over a thousand likes for ‘Alien Sex Spores’ (a page which had, conveniently been set up by _someone_ just 10 minutes ago), his inbox started lighting up with new messages, a conversation window popped up from Thor in the corner of his screen (and Jesus Christ Thor, you’re only two rooms away!):

_“What ho, Steven? Have you and Stark finally ceased your lover’s dance and found comfort in each other’s embrace? :D :D”_

Steve threw the tablet to the other corner of the couch, holding a pillow over it as if he could smother the offending gadget. 

That bastard! That absolute bastard! Tony Stark was going to wish he’d never been born!

~*~*~

“So how did you get facebook to create a whole new relationship status again?”

“When Tony Stark calls, people tend to pick up Brucey, you should know that by now.”

Bruce looked up at Tony from the computer screen, “This is a really terrible idea, you know that right?”

“What else was I supposed to do? I might be going out on a limb here but don’t think they really had to deal with sex pollen in the 40’s, he was avoiding me, not to mention everyone else. It was time to take the bull by the horns!”

“Somehow I doubt this is going to make him leap into your arms, call me crazy…”

Tony didn’t have a chance to answer, a shadow fell over both scientists from the door, a Steve Rogers shaped shadow. Bruce heard Tony swallow. 

“Dr Banner, can I have a moment with Tony…alone?”

Steve’s voice sounded strained, like he was speaking through his teeth. Bruce picked up his mug and mumbled something about getting some tea as he slipped past Steve. 

Tony’s eyes were very round as Steve stalked over to him. 

“Change. It. Back.” Steve said, his voice now what Tony would describe as ‘scary calm.’

“Change what back, Cap?” Tony backed up a little, towards the corner of the lab.

“You know what I mean,” Steve advanced as Tony retreated, “Change our relationship back, right now, and get rid of that awful sex pollen fan page, before anyone else sees it.”

“Umm, we’re a little bit late there Cap. See, what with the internet being instantaneous and all that and me having over 2 million Facebook views a day, I’m pretty sure everyone who’s going to see it has already seen it. Look, Fury even liked our status.”

Steve clenched his fists, looking even more pissed, if that was possible. Ok, perhaps this wasn’t going exactly how Tony had planned. Alright, time to take the super direct route. 

“And baby,” he started, trying to sound as sexy as possible, “If you want to change our relationship in any way, you just have to ask…”

Looking back, Steve isn’t sure what happened. He’d tell himself after that fact that maybe some of Loki’s residual pheromones or spores or whatever, had been hanging around in the air vents and he and Tony had just been unlucky enough to be hit with some of them at that exact moment. Or maybe it was some weird, before then unknown, quirk of the serum which had made him do it. Most likely it was six months of sexual tension finally breaking through the last tiny shred of his self control. 

Whatever it was, Steve found himself pushing Tony against the wall again, Tony groaning out a “fuck yessss” as Steve grabbed his ass through his pants and ground against him pinned against the wall. He kissed him hard, Tony forcing his tongue into Steve’s mouth and grinding back shamelessly. 

“Bite me! Oh my fucking God Steve, fucking bite me!”

“That’s what you want?”

“So much…fuuuck,” Tony groaned out as Steve’s mouth latched onto his neck. He heard Steve make a noise which could have been a growl (oh God, please let it be a growl, yes, yes, yes!) and shivered as Steve pulled away from him. 

“You’ve got a filthy mouth, Mr Stark…”

“…we’re going to have to do something about that.”

~*~*~

Thor and Steve placed the last piece of Loki’s luggage on the Bifrost opening site, Loki checking to make sure the doors and lids of all of his cases were securely closed. He patted at his hair, tucking a loose strand back into place as he busied himself with clasps and locks. 

Loki was back in one of his most ornate robes, back in the higher necklines and swinging sleeves. His hair was done as well, the simple plait he had taken to wearing on Midgard long gone. The majority of its bulk was pulled up in coiling braids at the back of his head and decorated with jeweled combs, two long knotted strands pulled loose in front of his ears. Thor was in his full armor, cape freshly dry cleaned and metal glinting in the morning light. No more slumming it on Midgard for them, it was time to go home.

Tony crossed his arms over the turtleneck jumper he was wearing (he had taken to wearing them an awful lot these days, not that anyone would think to mention it), “Well, I think that’s about everything. You lovebirds excited to be heading back to Candyland?”

“I am looking forward to having my full wardrobe again, and a long milk bath, certainly,” Loki said with a nod of his head and a small smile, wandering over to where Natasha and Pepper were standing a little further back from the Bifrost site.

“How long do you think you’ll be home for?” Steve asked, shading his eyes from the sun and moving back to stand beside Tony. 

Thor shifted, “I am not sure friends. I wish to be by Loki’s side for the progress of the pregnancy, and yet I worry for Midgard’s safety while I am away…”

“Hey, don’t worry about it. We’re pretty good at handling things on our own, big guy. But, in case we do need your input…here…”

Tony held out a Stark Phone to Thor, a little larger than the normal ones with a tiny satellite dish poking out of the top, “I’ve modified this to pick up signals through the Bifrost wormhole…I think. Text me when you get back home and we’ll find out if it works. You’ll have to leave it at the Bifrost site on your side, but we should be able to contact each other. You can send us obnoxious pictures of Loki’s baby bump!”

Thor smiled widely, holding the phone out in front of him, “How miraculous! A million thanks, friends. Heimdall will of course keep careful watch over the phone at the Bifrost and if you have need of my help you need only send word.”

“Will do.”

Natasha sipped her coffee, still in her dressing gown. She had admit she was going to miss having Loki around, not just because Fury would probably be sending her back into the field now that Operation: Thurder Child was officially inactive, you couldn’t play that many games of Mario Kart with someone and not have them become your friend…well, as much of a friend as Natasha was capable of having. 

“I will miss our Starbucks dates, Lady Natasha,” Loki said, smoothing one of the long locks of hair which hung in front of his ears. 

“Yeah, me too. You’re always welcome to pop down and visit, we’re only a Bifrost away.”

“Mmm, perhaps after the child is born. We Jotuns tend to become very sedentary when pregnant, especially in the later months.”

They were silent for a while then, all three looking at each other, goodbyes were always so awkward. 

“Ah! I almost forgot!” Loki reached inside his left sleeve, pulling out two small packages wrapped in soft red silk, “I wished to give you both a small something, as thanks for your service to me.”

“Our service?” Natasha raised an eyebrow, unfolding the silk on her present at the same time as Pepper to reveal a matching set of jeweled hair combs, the tops of which both had a stylized dragon curling around on itself in something like an infinity symbol. 

“Indeed. You have both proven yourself to be fine ladies in waiting, despite your lack of formal training in the art. I would have found Midgard much more challenging without your assistance. Wear these often, with someone you love.”

Pepper gave a slightly forced laugh and waved at Loki as he rejoined Thor on at the Bifrost site, “Did he really just say we were his ladies in waiting?”

“Yup, he really did,” Natasha waved as well, looking down at her comb. Hair combs weren’t really her style, her hair was a bit too short for them at the moment (and she was considering cutting it shorter), so she couldn’t see herself wearing it much. Still, it’d look nice in her jewelry box. 

Pepper on the other hand, was much more taken with the comb. She could already imagine it tucked into the side of a French twist when she went out with Happy tonight, maybe with the black Lanvin number and some red shoes to contrast with the emeralds which studded the dragon’s eyes…

Loki took his place at the center of his luggage, waiting for Thor to join him. He smiled fondly at his husband as he embraced his friends good bye and placed a hand on his still flat belly. In the last week he had felt the first tiny flutters of the babe inside him as it came to life. Thor joined him on the pad and Loki impulsively lent in to kiss him. 

They would both be returning to Asgard triumphant, no more sad and almost pitying looks from the other Court ladies, no more long sighs from the Allfather whenever his eyes rested on Loki’s belly, no more whisperings of Loki’s reputed frigidity, Hellblindi may even cease his letters (unlikely, but Loki allowed himself to dream)…

He saw Pepper slide the comb he had given her into her hair, twisting around to let Natasha look at it. Clint joined the two women and wrapped an arm around Natasha’s waist, picking up the comb to try and fix it to Natasha’s bright red hair. Loki smiled again. The amount of fertility runes he’d etched into those combs, both of them would soon know the bounty and joy of motherhood as well as he did. Perhaps their children could play together once they were born…

This was the thought still in his mind when Thor took his hand and Midgard started to shimmer around them, the Bifrost opening and pulling them up through space, back to Asgard. Back to their home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end my friends! Thanks for sticking with me through it and I hoped you enjoyed reading as much as I did writing.

**Author's Note:**

> The title for this fic comes from one of my favorite poems, "To His Coy Mistress" by Andrew Marvel.


End file.
